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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh's holiday antics AIBU?

95 replies

mommy2anangel · 10/07/2017 18:05

Posting on here as DH says I'm always unreasonable over his drinking (he's nasty even after one drink, so I don't like him drinking and "go moody" about it)

History: I told him he drinks too much and he did cut down, as he all of a sudden started going out on the lash getting wasted at weekends which affected his mood and behaviour and started drinking a lot more at home and family meals. He cut right down but it's still an issue between us.

Anyway here we are on our second ever foreign holiday (first in 3 years as we couldn't afford it). It's hard work as we have a 2yo and 7yo, the 7yo is incredibly difficult.

I have done every nappy, bath etc. Just like at home (I'm SAHM he works) except also doing all childcare while DH relaxes and occasionally plays with them for 5 mins.

Don't mind that as such but the first day we came here he got drunk (we're all inclusive, big mistake), said he wasn't drunk but was really nasty and couldn't remember it all the next day. He had a sober day as we had a car. Every day since he's been either tipsy or quite drunk but insisted he's fine.

He refused to eat today blaming his weight but in reality he just didn't want to sober up. It's 5pm and he's throwing up non stop from all the booze. I've been up all night with both kids and he knows how tired I am. Literally half hour before he started throwing up he told me he's fine to watch 2yo if I want a glass of wine!!!

I've had the kids up all night every night and had them all day, I'm fuming at him because I haven't had a single minute to even go toilet alone!

Oh and he buys a cocktail and tries to get 2yo to have a sip, I keep saying no but he finds it hilarious! Thankfully she didn't have any but the 7yo did As he told her it was orange! Thankfully she only had a sip!! He's done this so many times and I just don't find it funny at all!!! Then he keeps bringing me glasses of wine trying to force me to drink and rolling his eyes wh

I've taken the kids out for a bit and dd2 fell asleep meaning she probably won't sleep all night, fed up now. I'm exhausted and fed up, we've got 2 days left.

AIBU to expect him to be sober?

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/07/2017 19:44

Remember he doesn't actually enjoy parenting the children.

By the time you end up in court, several months down the line, you will have masses of evidence.

Here's my prediction. You kick him out. He says all that shit. He says he's having the kids 50:50 instead of paying child maintenance. But he can't until he's got his own place. Until then he will come to see them back at yours. He will come round, expect you to give him his dinner, mostly ignore the children and spend all the time hassling you. He will give up on that pretty soon or you will force it through being sick of him. You'll make him pick them up on the doorstep and take them out somewhere else. He will hate that because he doesn't want to look after his children. So the excuses will start and he won't come round much any more.

When he gets his own place he won't have the children anything like 50:50 there will be excuse after excuse. Every other weekend at best and you bet he will cancel a lot if he's an alcoholic.

Smile, nod, say "Yes dear, I'm so happy you want to have the children 50:50 and build a solid long term relationship with them. Give me your proposed contact schedule for the next 6 months and I'll consider it." Then leave him to be himself.

He will give you all the proof you need long long before you would ever have a court date.

yourcarisnotadiscovery · 10/07/2017 19:45

For the next few days as PPs have said, try to stay out of his way during the day (he's going to drink anyway) and try to keep calm in the evenings but hopefully he will be sleeping and you can plan your escape when you are hope. No hope, please leave as soon as you get home and make your plan now. as User above just said (and others). Good luck OP but please please don't stay with him. (also just seen a quick post above about recording him, yes do this too).

YouTheCat · 10/07/2017 19:50

Once he sees how much it is to go to court for residency I don't think he'll bother, even to try and piss you off and I don't think a court would award him more than eow access. So let him try. He won't get far.

Endure the next couple of days and then pack his bags when you get home. If he's drinking at lunchtimes he'll probably end up sacked anyway. My alcoholic exh was.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 10/07/2017 19:57

The camera and video functions on your camera are your friend. They provide evidence of his behaviour which you can use to show him what an arsehole he is and how often he's drunk, and to support your case in a divorce (I don't think it would be admissible evidence, but you could show your solicitor to give him/her material to work with). Keep a detailed (secret) diary too, with days, dates and times of incidents. Get your ducks in a row.

And I don't say LTB very often, but this time I will. You're tormenting yourself with what he might try, but as long as you have evidence the system will see through him. You'll be fine.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2017 19:58

Get up early and get gone, get home as late as you can.

Stock in plenty of booze for the day and night before you fly home. With any luck he'll get shit blind drunk and oversleep. Pack quietly, call a taxi, and sneak out.

When you get to your home airport, pick up your and the kids' bags and order a separate taxi. Go somewhere else and take it from there. See a solicitor asap and when the arsehole goes to work, change the locks on your place.

Kittychatcat · 10/07/2017 20:00

Keep a diary of every time he is drunk or nasty towards you including during this holiday. Use it as evidence of unreasonable behaviour to get a divorce.

yourcarisnotadiscovery · 10/07/2017 20:01

kittychatcat good advice. Keep a record of everything. Be strong it is there within you

CheshireChat · 10/07/2017 20:02

So record him doing shit! Take pictures if it applies. Record him when he's being a cunt because he can is drunk.

My dad was an alcoholic, I spent the last years of his life hoping he'll just die already. And pretty much the only thing I blame my mum for is not getting rid of him much, much sooner.

Keep him around and lose your kids or actually do something for their sake if not yours. He won't actually go for residency, the money to take you to court can be used on alcohol so he can drown his sorrows away...

ChicRock · 10/07/2017 20:03

In all seriousness here's what I'd do...

Go for a walk and throw his passport in a bin somewhere.

On the day you go home and he's looking for it, tell him he had it out the other day when he was shitfaced and he took it off to the bar with him.

Leave him behind to sort that out, fly home with the children, bag his shit up and drop it off at his parents/friends/workplace.

Change the locks and file for divorce.

Ceto · 10/07/2017 20:06

Challenge him to prove he can prioritise his family over the booze by not drinking at all for the rest of the holiday, and make it clear that if he doesn't it's a deal-breaker. Then have a very serious conversation with him when you get back, prefacing said conversation with the statement that he has to listen to you and not deny what he knows perfectly well to be the truth, or again it's marriage over.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/07/2017 20:07

I bet your 7yo becomes a lot more stable when he doesn't live with an alcoholic any more.

RortyCrankle · 10/07/2017 20:18

Ceto
Challenge him to prove he can prioritise his family over the booze by not drinking at all for the rest of the holiday, and make it clear that if he doesn't it's a deal-breaker. Then have a very serious conversation with him when you get back, prefacing said conversation with the statement that he has to listen to you and not deny what he knows perfectly well to be the truth, or again it's marriage over.

Frankly I wouldn't waste your time. Kick him out when you get home. His behaviour is intolerable and it's terrible for your children to witness it.

chicaguapa · 10/07/2017 20:19

What kind of holiday does he think you're having?

CheshireChat · 10/07/2017 20:25

Ceto I get this wasn't your intention, but it shouldn't be the OP's responsibility for him to stay sober, only he can do that. I'm sure it's one of the AA's mottos as well, though I can't remember their phrasing.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2017 20:36

I'm sure it's one of the AA's mottos as well, though I can't remember their phrasing.

For the families of addicts:

You didn't cause this.
You can't control this.
You can't cure this.

I went through a battle against alcohol with my alcoholic brother. It wasn't until I sought counseling and was told to give up the fight as I was enabling him. I told him I would no longer come to his 'rescue' and that I didn't want to speak to or see him again until he was sober. He hit rock bottom really HARD and it nearly broke my heart to say 'no' to him. But it forced him to deal with himself. He's been sober over 2 years after having been an alcoholic for nearly 40.

Leave. You can't change him. You can only save yourself and your children.

liquidrevolution · 10/07/2017 20:42

I dont often wade in with a LTB but I an saying this. As a daughter of an alcoholic it has greatly had a negative affect on my life so much so that I married a teetotaller in order to prevent any offspring suffering the same fate.

When you go home throw his stuff out and see a solicitor. This is no life for your children. He is an utter fuckwit and will never change.

becotide · 10/07/2017 20:49

You know that you would be having a much nicer time if he wasn't there, don't you? Even with the 2 year old, the 7 year old, and all the bums and nappies - life is much easier without an aggressive alcoholic in it.
Your whole life can be like that. So here's what I'd do, starting now.

Mentally write him off as a parent. Kip in with your kids, do everything for them, and keep them as happy as possible. be cheerful with him, but don't engage. Smile smile, nod and smile. Make sure he has a good supply of beer to keep him drunk. He WILL question this, just tell him you've relaxed and are having a nice time. If he queries why you're in the kid's room, tell him the two year old woke up and needed you.

So keep that up until you get back, and then, with a mobile phone in your hand with two 9s dialled, tell him to leave.

He will threaten to take the children, yell "Not without my fucking kids!", he will call you a bitch, threaten to tell everyone you're mental (are you on antidepressants? Most people who live with alcoholics are.) etc etc. If he is screaming at you, that is threatening behaviour, call the police, have him removed, change the locks.

Bam.

What happens to him next isn't your problem.

IStoleDipsysHat · 10/07/2017 21:00

Try looking at this another way. You are on/remain on anti depressants because of the stress of his behaviour. He has actively worsened your mental health and wants to use it as a tool to get the kids taken away from you. Nope, he has contributed to your poor mental health instead of helping you get better. How is that a good parent in the eyes of a court? A person who actively hobbles the main care giver with their actions. Actions which are damaging your children (introducing them to alcohol and his vileness when he has had a drink). A person who thinks that when they are at the point of throwing up drunk they are still fine to supervise them.
No the courts will look at his statement and yours and say this is a person who puts alcohol before his children and deny his application.
As far as proving it goes. Keep a diary of events. Then you will see how bad it is daily and if he ever does take it to court, when presented with it he will be in total denial over each incident which won't look favourably for him. However his solicitor will tell him that long before he gets to court.
You have already established a pattern of his behaviour by leaving him once. Tell him to leave, once you have had legal advice and have your ducks in a row there and are prepared for his vile parting shot of taking the kids threat for however far down that road he wants to take it. He will think it's a cunning master stroke and will keep you in your place, while the reality is, you have prepared for it and can counter any action he may wish to take.
The truth is as soon as all of this starts getting in the way of his beloved drink, he'll forget about it. He'll still spit bile at you but the threats will be empty (as they are now), the difference is that now you know it too and will be prepared should he suddenly get brave for a second.

withouttea · 10/07/2017 21:08

I'm the child of two alcoholics. No point reasoning with him, he won't change for you or the kids. Don't let your kids suffer like so many of the people on here have done.

Yes, he'll threaten you with all manner of unpleasant rubbish. He won't follow through his threats though - it's too distracting from his drinking (or NOT drinking, which will be taking every ounce of available energy, just to prove he's NOT an alcoholic.)

Acrossthepond quoted the 3C's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it (his alcoholism). Make this your new mantra!

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 10/07/2017 21:44

Alcohol has ruined my relationship with my parents. My brother took his desire to get away to extremes and emigrated.

It's not a problem you can solve, OP. He is gas lighting you with his ridiculous claims of you being mental etc. Have you asked him if that's the case, then why is he still with you?

You re fortunate that he's not on the tenancy. Show him the door. Save your kids from a miserable childhood.

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