Dh's holiday antics AIBU?

[mommy2anangel]

Posting on here as DH says I'm always unreasonable over his drinking (he's nasty even after one drink, so I don't like him drinking and "go moody" about it)

History: I told him he drinks too much and he did cut down, as he all of a sudden started going out on the lash getting wasted at weekends which affected his mood and behaviour and started drinking a lot more at home and family meals. He cut right down but it's still an issue between us.

Anyway here we are on our second ever foreign holiday (first in 3 years as we couldn't afford it). It's hard work as we have a 2yo and 7yo, the 7yo is incredibly difficult.

I have done every nappy, bath etc. Just like at home (I'm SAHM he works) except also doing all childcare while DH relaxes and occasionally plays with them for 5 mins.

Don't mind that as such but the first day we came here he got drunk (we're all inclusive, big mistake), said he wasn't drunk but was really nasty and couldn't remember it all the next day. He had a sober day as we had a car. Every day since he's been either tipsy or quite drunk but insisted he's fine.

He refused to eat today blaming his weight but in reality he just didn't want to sober up. It's 5pm and he's throwing up non stop from all the booze. I've been up all night with both kids and he knows how tired I am. Literally half hour before he started throwing up he told me he's fine to watch 2yo if I want a glass of wine!!!

I've had the kids up all night every night and had them all day, I'm fuming at him because I haven't had a single minute to even go toilet alone!

Oh and he buys a cocktail and tries to get 2yo to have a sip, I keep saying no but he finds it hilarious! Thankfully she didn't have any but the 7yo did As he told her it was orange! Thankfully she only had a sip!! He's done this so many times and I just don't find it funny at all!!! Then he keeps bringing me glasses of wine trying to force me to drink and rolling his eyes wh

I've taken the kids out for a bit and dd2 fell asleep meaning she probably won't sleep all night, fed up now. I'm exhausted and fed up, we've got 2 days left.

AIBU to expect him to be sober?

I want to throw him out but he will play dirty and try to get the kids taken from me out or spite.

He won't. He clearly has no interest or ability to deal with them. He won't lumber himself with that burden.

He will threaten it though. Ignore him.

If this was me, I would get up early (when he was most likely to be sober and fuck off for the whole day, and I mean the whole day, coming back at about midnight or later and probably pretending to be pissed.

Welcome to my world DH, and if it doesn't stop I'm gone. Adios.

He won't get the kids even if he tried. He's a useless father and a pointless husband. It's the The Script. He's saying it to control you to not leave him. Don't give him what he wants.

Ask him to specify what he is finding hard and how he is dealing with the dc. Don't make it so easy for him.

OP this sounds awful for you. If I were you, and you can't go home earlier, I would just try to get through these next couple of days, just do what you need to to keep going and try and avoid being drawn into arguments etc with him, and leave as soon as you get home. He's never going to get better, and you and your kids deserve better.

I want to throw him out but he will play dirty and try to get the kids taken from me out or spite.

Please tell me when that happens, OP, so I can bring the popcorn.

Let's ignore the fact that no court on the planet will award resident parent status to a drunken sot who attempts to drop alcohol down a toddler's throat. Let's bypass that to the even more tired part of the tale....

These shitheads ALWAYS threaten to take the kids. Can't ignore them fast enough when they're with them, never change a nappy or do a night waking or any actual parenting, then suddenly decide they're going to be resident parent when you split. Bollocks they are. They don't want the kids, they just want to try to hurt and scare you. They hate you more than they love their own children. Let that sink in for a moment.

I'm slightly concerned that he is driving

Why do think the court would award him the children rather than you?

He absolutely should not be driving!

And there's no way he'd be able to get the kids taken from you, unless there's some reason you haven't divulged!

There is something weird about our culture that tends to celebrate getting smashed like it was some aspirational thing. I've never been the sort of person who was watching the clock until I could open a bottle of wine and I never drink during the week. Occasional drink on a Friday or Saturday night. Yet some people really struggle to believe that you can enjoy yourself without drinking. I personally don't like being round drunk people probably because I have had to deal with many smashed people through the course of my work ( you know the sort that piss themselves). Your DH clearly thinks he's just enjoying himself and you refusing to drink with him makes him feel uncomfortable so he gets aggressive in response. You're not going to make him an attentive dad because he doesn't see the childcare as his responsibility ( he's the wage earner and he deserves a holiday blah blah ). I don't know if he's an alcoholic because you don't say ( or I missed) what his current pattern of drinking is but he certainly is a problem drinker. I would try and make the most of the next 2 days, leave him behind if necessary and then explore your options for separating whenever you get home.

In response to how to manage the last couple of days on the holiday your only option is to disengage.

Pretend he's not there.

He doesn't exist.

He's eliminated himself from family fun plans by taking no part in family time at all.

Let him run wild. Let him do as he sees fit.

And when you get home get all your ducks in a row and prepare to terminate your marriage as he sounds like a vile drunken sot.

Tangent: I was married to the adult child of an alcoholic. He was a fucking basket case because of a dad who basically acted in the way your DH is; selfish drinking without care for is impact upon others and trying to make it all jolly by getting the kids to "join in" with getting drunk.

My XH at his very core was a good man, ruined by his selfish alky dad giving him a shitload of health anxiety, obsessive compulsive behaviour and an absolutely warped view on drinking.

Think hard OP.

One thought (you've had all the right advice from pp etc). Are you sure that he has cut down in the last year or so? It seems possible to me that his drinking is now done in secret for him to have to carry on this level of drinking on holiday.
Really hope you can get your ducks in a row and leave, this time for good.

He's an unreliable alcoholic. There's no way he'd be able to take the kids off you.

WTF he encouraged your 2 year old and 7 year old to sip alcoholic drinks whilst lying to them about what they were?? Just a sip isnt going to do anything but I am at that, without even starting on anything else

I think you might want to start keeping a log, somewhere he can't find it, of his drinking and behaviour. You can show it to the solicitor you need to see.

Things men say to make you stay:

• you are mental and need to be sectioned
• you are a bad mother
• You had pnd so the courts will give me the kids.
• you made me drink/beat you/take drugs so court will let me have the kids as I'm a victim of you.
• you are abusive (if you don't do as you are told)

My ex said all those things and more. He left over 7 years ago now. The never fought for custody and in fact wont even have the kids overnight at his. He refuses to babysit unless he is paid for it and the kids wont spend time with him now they are older teens. Kids and courts see through the bullshit.
Op don't stay just because you are afraid. There is support out there for you.

I can't prove anything though can I? Like how he tried to give the kids alcohol. That's the problem. I really don't think he'd want the kids full time, he wouldn't have a clue but he'd do it out of spite.

I privately rent and removed him from tenancy in January (I kicked him out for a few weeks due to drink) so technically could just pack his bags!

His drinking varies. He no longer goes out and gets wasted. I have no idea what he drinks at work as his friend is also a heavy drinker, they used to go to the pub at lunch or after work, not sure how often that is these days but I'd guess 1-2x a week at least end they'd have 2-3 drinks. He then drinks 1-3 bottles of beer most nights, more at weekends but rarely gets very drunk

The way I describe it to him is this. A few years ago he rarely drank at all, he'd have a pint at a family meal occasionally but not often, maybe a pint once a month or less. Not really at all at home. Now, he always has beer at family meals and it's 2-3 pints plus drinking at home several times a week, there are days he doesn't drink of course but imo he drinks too much and too often. In his opinion I'm a mardy mental bitch and he doesn't drink much.

He won't drive Wednesday if he's had a drink as ill refuse. That's the only reason he's had a sober day at all so far?!

I'm a much better parent without him around and that breaks my heart. I want to throw him out I'm just scared as he is such a good actor. Everything on that list littlemissangrypants wrote he has said!!! He says I'm abusing him and controlling, bad mum, bully, mentally unstable etc! Makes me question my own sanity!

And another one...

You are on anti-depressants. That proves you are mental so the courts will give me the children. Social services will take them away.

Nice try. Nope.

He's emotionally abusing you. Do not fall for his lies. He is in the wrong.
Get home and either leave or throw him out. Be sneaky if you have to. Just get him out of your life.

He sounds beyond vile. I'm no expert but I can't see how he has a chance in hell of taking your children from you. If you and the children can't fly back alone early, I would do what others have suggested - get up early and out - leaving him in his drunken stupor.

The will to stop drinking has to come from him and he is obviously nowhere near making that decision. I would get home and kick him out the door.

I'm very sorry and wish you the strength to get through this.

PoorYorick
I might have to quit Mumsnet. If I see one more thread from a woman run ragged by a useless, selfish twat asking us if she's in the wrong and looking for ways to appease him rather than DTMFA, I'm going to start screaming.

I'm with you.

Pack his bags! Stop worrying about what you can prove!

This is a very easy comment for me to make but as long as you can articulate clear examples of his drinking and back up with (approximate) dates, times etc and fundamentally believe that you will be taken seriously then that's half the battle.

You should also consider visiting a few solicitors to "shop" round for representation as I suspect if he plays as nastily as you fear you'll need it. It's also worth doing it just to bounce your thoughts off the professionals and see what they suggest.

You won't be the first person to divorce an ineffectual ally bellend and you won't be the last.

Plus the courts will have seen cases like this a hundred times before. They'll spot a bullshitter a mile off.

Have faith in yourself.

*alky bellend

(not ally)

My dad was an alcoholic. It made for a miserable childhood, let down all the time by him, told there would be a day out only for him to come home hours late, pissed to the gills. He never thought he did anything wrong either, in fact other people thought he was a great guy, "would do anything for anyone". Yeah. Except his family, our life was shit. He also gave us drinks. I remember one Christmas, I was about 9/10 and I spent part of the afternoon lying on the floor because he gave me a can of special brew when my mum was cooking.

You need to record this, either on your phone or written down. He sees nothing wrong with his behaviour. Your children do not deserve this, and neither do you!

He can accuse you of whatever till the cows come home. Unless there is some serious concerns about you parenting then there is no way the children will be taken off you.

I seriously doubt he would go for custody...it would get in the way of him drinking.