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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh's holiday antics AIBU?

95 replies

mommy2anangel · 10/07/2017 18:05

Posting on here as DH says I'm always unreasonable over his drinking (he's nasty even after one drink, so I don't like him drinking and "go moody" about it)

History: I told him he drinks too much and he did cut down, as he all of a sudden started going out on the lash getting wasted at weekends which affected his mood and behaviour and started drinking a lot more at home and family meals. He cut right down but it's still an issue between us.

Anyway here we are on our second ever foreign holiday (first in 3 years as we couldn't afford it). It's hard work as we have a 2yo and 7yo, the 7yo is incredibly difficult.

I have done every nappy, bath etc. Just like at home (I'm SAHM he works) except also doing all childcare while DH relaxes and occasionally plays with them for 5 mins.

Don't mind that as such but the first day we came here he got drunk (we're all inclusive, big mistake), said he wasn't drunk but was really nasty and couldn't remember it all the next day. He had a sober day as we had a car. Every day since he's been either tipsy or quite drunk but insisted he's fine.

He refused to eat today blaming his weight but in reality he just didn't want to sober up. It's 5pm and he's throwing up non stop from all the booze. I've been up all night with both kids and he knows how tired I am. Literally half hour before he started throwing up he told me he's fine to watch 2yo if I want a glass of wine!!!

I've had the kids up all night every night and had them all day, I'm fuming at him because I haven't had a single minute to even go toilet alone!

Oh and he buys a cocktail and tries to get 2yo to have a sip, I keep saying no but he finds it hilarious! Thankfully she didn't have any but the 7yo did As he told her it was orange! Thankfully she only had a sip!! He's done this so many times and I just don't find it funny at all!!! Then he keeps bringing me glasses of wine trying to force me to drink and rolling his eyes wh

I've taken the kids out for a bit and dd2 fell asleep meaning she probably won't sleep all night, fed up now. I'm exhausted and fed up, we've got 2 days left.

AIBU to expect him to be sober?

OP posts:
pilates · 10/07/2017 18:28

YANBU
Jeez sounds horrendous. He needs to get some help away from you and the girls. Why are your girls up all night btw?

Tofutti · 10/07/2017 18:28

Any tips on how to manage the last couple of days without arguments?

I would be asking for tips on how to leave him. He is no kind of father or husband.

Why do you think you're worth so little? You deserve better than him.

DownstairsMixUp · 10/07/2017 18:29

I agree with all the other posters, leave this twat before he makes you want to drink to numb out the shitty feeling of being stuck with him!

SabineUndine · 10/07/2017 18:31

I would also warn you that if he's not sober, they won't let him on the flight back. A friend of mine went away with a bloke a few years ago. She knew he'd had a drink problem in the past, but thought it was over. He started drinking on holiday, wouldn't stop all week, she ended up stranded with him for 3 extra days while he sobered up. Make sure that doesn't happen to you.

Betaday · 10/07/2017 18:33

' the 7yo is incredibly difficult' - is she picking up on the issues with dh? It's not just about you trying to manage arguments, it's about the impact on your kids. This is where you need to draw a line imo

OuchBollocks · 10/07/2017 18:34

Would that be so bad? The OP leaving him behind for a few days? It would give her time to photocopy important documents and talk to a solicitor...

cottagecheesequeen · 10/07/2017 18:35

Is there a holiday club for the kids so you can have a bit of sunbed time?

Tofutti · 10/07/2017 18:35

Yes, leave him behind if he's not allowed on the flight back. don't get stranded with him. Actually, leave him for good.

Madwoman5 · 10/07/2017 18:38

Since when did you agree to take on three children? The big one needs to sober up NOW. You have got to be firm on this one. His issue is that he doesn't seem to know how to have fun without a belly full of booze. You are already alone in this relationship so him being away from you is going to have little impact, in fact, it may make life easier. Sorry to say this but time for a decision or ultimatum; sober up or ship out.

MagicMoneyTree · 10/07/2017 18:38

Actually I think in your shoes I really would find a way to leave him stranded while you and the kids get home. Would give you time to sort out paperwork, make some phone calls and make a plan and give him chance to either sober up or carry on his bender alone.

Bunlicker · 10/07/2017 18:39

she ended up stranded with him for 3 extra days while he sobered up. Make sure that doesn't happen to you.

She stayed behind!! Shock

MadMags · 10/07/2017 18:40

YABU because you are living with a nasty alcoholic so shouldn't really expect anything else.

YWNBU to leave the bastard the second you set foot home.

As for what you can do for the rest of the holiday? Fuck all, to be honest. Because he won't stop drinking and you can't make him.

What you CAN do is try to enjoy yourself with your dc; beach, pool etc and if they're not sleeping at night, maybe you could all try to catch a nap here and there so you get some shut eye.

I'd be ignoring him for the duration.

Josieannathe2nd · 10/07/2017 18:42

That sounds awful. Imagine you are on holiday without him and give your kids an amazing time, swimming sightseeing, whatever there is to do & make plans to leave him. Worse than not helping- he's making the holiday worse, he sounds disgusting.

Are there any kids clubs? Then you could put one both children in one day and have a break then the last day have some one to one time with the 7 year old (which is really what your husband should be doing or facilitating)

PoorYorick · 10/07/2017 18:43

I might have to quit Mumsnet. If I see one more thread from a woman run ragged by a useless, selfish twat asking us if she's in the wrong and looking for ways to appease him rather than DTMFA, I'm going to start screaming.

Cirandeira · 10/07/2017 18:46

I remain agog that people ask if 'they're being unreasonable' getting a 'teeny weeny bit upset' at 'this little kerfuffle my partner did' and then go on to describe something about 4000% more serious than anything I could ever fathom a man I have ever been with doing.

Like, I had an ex who was a bit messy once. Sweet lad, messy kitchen. And my DH hoards a bit of junk.

That is literally the sum of my 'bad men experiences'.

What fucking planet do people live on that an aggressive, nasty, perpetually vomiting drunk who's trying to force liquor down a baby's throat is "being a bit of a silly boy tee hee what should I do?"

Look at the road that led you to this place, for a start. You're married to the sort of man I would cross the road to avoid.

Original poster
mommy2anangel · 10/07/2017 18:47

Thanks everyone. I think this is the final nail the coffin tbh. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong? Doesn't think he's been drunk at all other than today etc!!!

The 7yo is incredibly difficult all the time and has been up all night every night with various complaints, I think she has insomnia but the problem is she doesn't let me leave her and whines if I stay! This wakes up 2yo who has been up all night from accidentally napping at 5pm each day.

DH constantly makes me doubt myself. He tells me I'm mental and paranoid because he doesn't drink every day. He doesn't see that 2 years ago he had the odd pint maybe once a month, never got drunk. Then spent a good year getting wasted with his mate and then drinking lots at home. He only cut down cos I left, wish I hadn't have come back tbh!

He thinks he hardly drinks but its not just how often, it's that even one drink makes him nasty! And he doesn't know when to stop! But telling me he's fine to watch the kids when he's clearly tipsy, still drinking and trying to give them alcohol, then gets more and more drunk til he's sick? No way am I the mental one!!

He won't drink the last day as weee getting a car so no chance of him missing the flight sadly!

I want to throw him out but he will play dirty and try to get the kids taken from me out or spite. Or worse, make something up to try to get me taken from them!

OP posts:
yorkshapudding · 10/07/2017 18:49

He's clearly an alcoholic. That means he's not going to change his behavior unless he stops drinking. "Cutting down" isn't going to work for him, it won't be sustainable long term. Unfortunately, you can't make him stop. He won't be able to until he's ready to admit he has a problem and commit to doing something about it. From the info in your OP it doesn't sound like he's there yet. Some people never get there unfortunately.

You sound like a very loving and attentive Mum who is trying very hard to minimise the impact on her kids but you can't shield them from their Dad's drinking forever. Honestly, in your shoes I would be planning my exit strategy.

ConstanceCraving · 10/07/2017 18:50

Don't make excuses for not leaving him. He can threaten you all he likes that he will try and get the children but that's all that they are.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being treated like this?

Go and see a solicitor. Be strong. Make that change.

CowPatRoberts · 10/07/2017 18:50

If I were you I'd take a (subversive) snap of him every time he gets a drink, then when he claims you've made it up you have time stamped proof.

TwoBusyCnuts · 10/07/2017 18:51

well, if you choose to continue in this marriage, then more power to you.
expect a life of misery and indigence.
kids copy what they see at home, so you're setting them up to turn into alcohol abusers in their future too.
that what you want?
thought not.

Ltb.

mumonashoestring · 10/07/2017 18:53

There's no way in hell he'd get custody but you need to start carefully preparing so you've got everything lined up when you're ready to leave. Maybe ask for this to be moved to relationships?

And definitely record him when he's drunk and nasty, if nothing else to give you the reassurance that you're not mad and he is that person when he's drinking. Alcoholism takes many forms and he needs to realise that you can be dependent on alcohol without drinking every day. It's not your job to get him there though - you can't fix him.

happypoobum · 10/07/2017 18:53

He will threaten you that he will try to take the DC in order to make you stay.

Think about it - would he really want them, all day every day? Nope.

They all say it and very few of them mean it. Why on earth would a court take the DC from you and give them to this nasty alcoholic?

You may find that the shock of you actually leaving enables him to sharpen up and seek help so that he is fit to be able to supervise them on occasion once you have split.

Good luck.

Whocansay · 10/07/2017 18:53

OP. Your husband is an alcoholic. You cannot help him. He has to want to change.

He is a bad parent now. If you split, I'm sure he would make noises about taking the children. But he wouldn't. He's too lazy. Plus looking after kids would impede his drinking. If you want to LTB, that shouldn't stop you.

user1476869312 · 10/07/2017 18:54

Your DD will be much better once you have got rid of this man. Poor kid is desperately anxious and scared of her abusive, alcoholic, selfish asshole of a father.
When you get home, get on to Women's Aid for advice. This man is potentially dangerous and you will be able to get a lot of support (including from police and social services) to get him out of the house, and supervised contact only. An aggressive alcoholic who tries to give alcohol to a baby is never going to be able to take DC away from you. You will also be able to insist that he arrives sober to see DC and stop custody if he drinks while he is looking after them.

Tofutti · 10/07/2017 18:54

I want to throw him out but he will play dirty and try to get the kids taken from me out or spite. Or worse, make something up to try to get me taken from them!

Don't hide behind this, OP, this won't happen. He isn't that clever and he won't fool a court. I doubt he would even fight for access.