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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at partner taking my daughter on holiday.

75 replies

charley30 · 10/07/2017 18:00

I have been in a relationship for 16 years . It hasn't been easy but I had my beautiful daughter now 11 . We are not connected emotionally any more I shut down and stopped trying about 2 years ago when I went through a health crises and had no support from partner . I realised then his interests are in the house we share and our daughter that I have brought up and provided for while he has done nothing . When I got sick he took a bit. Of control re my daughter and started to take her to clubs etc now he thinks he's super dad . I'm so angry as I am now agoraphobic . But getting slightly better . My point being if I had had support and shown the love and companionship I should hav I may not be left in this position . I can cope on my own but he won't leave . Instead he lives a separate life but this one thing I can t do ( travel ) he has a hold over me for . He has now taken my daughter away for a 2 night break ending up in a much longer one as he has invited his friend and his kids down for the night out for dinner and having a great old time . Now he's invited his other daughter by his ex wife' her partner and their 2 children down to stay tonight . My daughter is having a great time and I am happy about that but I am missing out plus he us quite happy about that . He has t said but I can see right through him . I know he doesn't care about me otherwise he would have Even tried to coax me to go but I do not feel confident that he would ve patient with me as he has let me down in the past . I feel angry at him angry at myself that I cannot drive and get up and go and angry that I am not getting yo make memories with my daughter . He has stolen this from me and I'm upset !! He has not rang me once since going away 4 days ago he doesn't care and I have had to ring my daughter as she is having so much fun she's forgotten about me . I am such a good mum iv done everything to give my daughter the best start in life even when I was sick but I am stuck as I don't want to upset her and tell him to go but it is hurting me too much the way her disrespects me I have wasted my life on an emotional,y unavailable man who would be quite happy to live separate lives in the same house for the rest of his life . He is so selfish . He promised to look after me when I got sick and I stupidly believed him as I was too ill and wanted to be sure that he was there for our daughter but now I'm left so unhappy and lonely . And so bloody agoraphobic I don't know how to get past this . And he's quite happy to leave me like this . Please be nice I'm so upset they're all having a great time and I'm left behind x

OP posts:

WillRikersExtraNipple · 10/07/2017 18:03

He has taken HIS daughter on holiday. She isn't just yours. I'm sorry that you're ill but since you are unable to take her anywhere at all why would you want to stop her going somewhere with her dad?
He hasn't stolen it from you if you can't do it anyway. You seem to be blaming him for all of your issues, it's all his fault. That's unfair to both of them.

BeepBeepMOVE · 10/07/2017 18:04

You sound jealous and bitter, I can understand why, it must be hard being stuck at home but that doesn't mean that him and your daughter should also stay in.

You should be happy your daughter is having a fun trip. Why should he cal you when you admit you gave up on the relationship? You can;t blame him for your mental health problems.

Wolfiefan · 10/07/2017 18:05

So your daughter shouldn't get to have a holiday because of your agoraphobia?
Have you sought help for this?
If the relationship has broken down you shouldn't be living under the same roof. It's not fair or healthy.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 10/07/2017 18:08

YABU, but I do get that it's hard for you

If I were you I'd focus on trying to get treatment for the agoraphobia rather than blaming your DP for taking your DD on a nice holiday. It's really unfair that he and she should miss out on going away because you're unable to go.

Sirzy · 10/07/2017 18:09

I agree with others. He is giving his daughter experiences that at the moment you aren't in a position to do so. You need to see that as a positive.

If you don't want to live together anymore and won't leave then can you put things in place to leave?

Are you getting support for your mental health?

Minniemagoo · 10/07/2017 18:11

It does sound like your partner has disconnected from the relationship (not ringing etc) which must be hard but you do seem to be blaming him for everything and taking all his activities as a personal attack. I am sure he didnt invite his eldest daughter and her children (his GC) to spite you which is how your post comes accross.
Your Dd is having a ball but she wont forget you so you dont need to be ringing to remind her of you.
Take this time to concentrate on getting better. Do you have a medical professional or other family member who could be with you right now to take some positive steps towards getting better.

NellieFiveBellies · 10/07/2017 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

corythatwas · 10/07/2017 18:13

It must be very hard to be in an unhappy relationship and be ill too.

But do you really want your dd to pay the price for this? Do you want her to live the life of agoraphobia too, because that is your life?

Remember how many years you had of life before agoraphobia. Do you want her to miss out on those?

As AHedgehog said, you need to focus everything you have on getting treatment. For your own sake first and foremost, but also for the sake of your dd.

ArchieStar · 10/07/2017 18:13

You need to seek help I'm afraid. You know YABU but it's understandable. All the best to you

Tofutti · 10/07/2017 18:14

Get treatment for agoraphobia and leave your partner. I sympathise, but you have to take action and not be passive.

It does sound like your life revolves around your daughter, which is very unhealthy.

I have had to ring my daughter as she is having so much fun she's forgotten about me .

Please don't make your daughter feel guilty for enjoying herself. She hasn't forgotten you. She shouldn't suffer because her parents don't get on.

Fairylea · 10/07/2017 18:16

You need help for your anxiety and agoraphobia. My gran had severe agoraphobia and didn't leave the house for the last 25 years of her life. At all, ever. My mum and I became her carers. Please don't let that happen to you, there is help you can get. If you can conquer your problems you can take your daughter away yourself and I'm sure she would absolutely love that.

I have severe anxiety myself and I find citalopram and cbt therapy helpful.

You have to turn this on its head and be pleased your dd is having such a great time. My dd aged 14 spends half of the summer holidays every year with her dad in the USA (we split up when she was little and he moved there). She has an amazing time and it's a great opportunity for her.

If you can address your own issues then you will be in a better state to think about your relationship and whether it's something you want to continue with.

PNGirl · 10/07/2017 18:17

Just echoing not making your daughter feel bad. She's on holiday with her dad and you still live together so why would she have any inkling you are sitting at home seething like this?

DumbledoresApprentice · 10/07/2017 18:18

Even though you are being unreasonable I really feel for you. It's good that your daughter gets to travel a bit. I'm sure deep down you wouldn't really want her to miss out.

indigox · 10/07/2017 18:20

Should your daughter miss out on this because you can't do it? You're being incredibly selfish.

I have a MH condition which means I can't take DS to do a certain activity, so I pay a childminder to take him, let him go with his friends and their parents or let my friends/parents do it. I'm glad he gets the experience/fun I couldn't offer him and he's happy he got to do said activity. I don't sit and stew over a MH condition which was triggered by my ex whilst this is happening, and I'd never ever expect my son to miss out to placate me.

flounderer · 10/07/2017 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IloveBanff · 10/07/2017 18:22

It does sound like your partner has disconnected from the relationship (not ringing etc)

It was the OP who did disconnected from the relationship. She makes that clear. Her insistance that their daughter is her daughter is not good. He is holidaying with his daughter as you are agoraphobic. He sounds like a good father. You should be glad that he has taken your (plural!) daughter on holiday. YABVU. Get help for your agoraphobia.

niccyb · 10/07/2017 18:23

It sounds like you feel he is in control of he situation and you are probably right. On the other hand, he is trying to take your daughter away from the sulituation in order to try and give her some normality.
It will not help matters with him being in the house, you need to make a clean break Fromm him.
In order to get better to be able to do the things you want you need to access help, part of that process will be stepping out of the front door.
Don't become that person you are resenting. Take control of your life. The hardest part will be making a start and it won't be easy but you will get there.take one day at a time

ConstanceCraving · 10/07/2017 18:28

I'm sorry things are so bad OP. You must get further help with your agoraphobia, or else your relationship with your daughter will deteriorate. She's a little girl that needs to enjoy her life and I think that's what your ex is proving to you by taking her away.

BoomBoomsCousin · 10/07/2017 18:31

He sounds like a terrible husband but a good father (at least as it doesn't pertain to supporting his child's mother). I think you need to concentrate on getting better so you can leave and give you daughter what she needs. Being bitter or angry that your daughter is on holiday is doing nothing good for anyone. Angry at him for not supporting you when you needed it and look for ways to get the support you need to get better now.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 10/07/2017 18:31

OP, please seek help for your Mental Health.

Your daughter shouldn't miss out because of your illness. Your partner sounds as though he is being a good dad. The way your post reads, I was expecting you to say he's her step dad not her real dad.

Your GP should be able to refer you for therapy. Please do try and get this sorted as it's clearly affecting not only your life but also your daughter's and partner's.

PotteringAlong · 10/07/2017 18:32

So what do you want? For your daughter to never leave the house too? I'm afraid you need to get a grip here - her dad is giving her a normal childhood. Travel is not "holding it over you"'it's a fact of life. You simply can't expect nobody to leave the house ever.

ijustwannadance · 10/07/2017 18:33

You got sick and he stepped up to take control of parenting your DD because you couldn't, which strengthened their bond and gave her some normality/stability.

Did it occur to you that maybe they just needed a few days away. So what if he invited his friend and DD.

Your DD shouldn't have to miss out just because you can't do things. Be happy that she is enjoying herself.

Allthebestnamesareused · 10/07/2017 18:36

Your post is contradictory.

You say : I can cope on my own but he won't leave.

But then you say: He promised to look after me when I got sick and I stupidly believed him as I was too ill and wanted to be sure that he was there for our daughter

As far as I can see he is there for his daughter by virtue of the fact that he has stayed living with you when he could leave. He has taken HIS daughter away, with her half sister and family.

Is your daughter supposed to lock herself away with you?

I am sorry to be harsh but you need to get some form of treatment for your agoraphobia. You cannot expect a young girl to stay home with you.

The reason she hasn't called is that she is having some respite time.

Please see that YABU. Let DD know that it is okay for her to have fun (whether with her friends or her dad and family) and that her sole purpose is not just to be your carer!

WillRikersExtraNipple · 10/07/2017 18:39

Why should he leave? If he did, he would take his daughter with him no doubt.

kali110 · 10/07/2017 18:39

Im sorry i really do understand, but you are being so unreasonable.
Why should he ring you?
Why shouldn't he take his daughter on holiday?
WHy should he have to try to coax you to come ?
You're not a couple anymore, he doesn't have to do these things.
He hasn't stole anything from you, your illnesses have.
He's giving her the experiences you can't.
Why should he move out?
If you've emotionally shut down from your daughter, you need to try to bond with ger, but that isn't his fault either.
None of this is his fault.
You're angry, but you're angry at the wrong person.

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