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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at partner taking my daughter on holiday.

75 replies

charley30 · 10/07/2017 18:00

I have been in a relationship for 16 years . It hasn't been easy but I had my beautiful daughter now 11 . We are not connected emotionally any more I shut down and stopped trying about 2 years ago when I went through a health crises and had no support from partner . I realised then his interests are in the house we share and our daughter that I have brought up and provided for while he has done nothing . When I got sick he took a bit. Of control re my daughter and started to take her to clubs etc now he thinks he's super dad . I'm so angry as I am now agoraphobic . But getting slightly better . My point being if I had had support and shown the love and companionship I should hav I may not be left in this position . I can cope on my own but he won't leave . Instead he lives a separate life but this one thing I can t do ( travel ) he has a hold over me for . He has now taken my daughter away for a 2 night break ending up in a much longer one as he has invited his friend and his kids down for the night out for dinner and having a great old time . Now he's invited his other daughter by his ex wife' her partner and their 2 children down to stay tonight . My daughter is having a great time and I am happy about that but I am missing out plus he us quite happy about that . He has t said but I can see right through him . I know he doesn't care about me otherwise he would have Even tried to coax me to go but I do not feel confident that he would ve patient with me as he has let me down in the past . I feel angry at him angry at myself that I cannot drive and get up and go and angry that I am not getting yo make memories with my daughter . He has stolen this from me and I'm upset !! He has not rang me once since going away 4 days ago he doesn't care and I have had to ring my daughter as she is having so much fun she's forgotten about me . I am such a good mum iv done everything to give my daughter the best start in life even when I was sick but I am stuck as I don't want to upset her and tell him to go but it is hurting me too much the way her disrespects me I have wasted my life on an emotional,y unavailable man who would be quite happy to live separate lives in the same house for the rest of his life . He is so selfish . He promised to look after me when I got sick and I stupidly believed him as I was too ill and wanted to be sure that he was there for our daughter but now I'm left so unhappy and lonely . And so bloody agoraphobic I don't know how to get past this . And he's quite happy to leave me like this . Please be nice I'm so upset they're all having a great time and I'm left behind x

OP posts:
kali110 · 10/07/2017 18:41

Please seek help op, i know how hard it is.
Don't look back years from now wishing you'd done it sooner.

LanaDReye · 10/07/2017 18:43

Would you prefer that his daughter stay at home with you to keep you company?

Should he have given all his support to you and not given his daughter normality?

She is equally his daughter.

Crumbs1 · 10/07/2017 18:54

I'm getting the feeling that if he 'coaxed you' you would go - which suggests you are perhaps not quite as agrophobic as you say.
Have you had any treatment to try and normalise your behaviour? CBT?
You're not making yourself sound like an ideal companion, to be honest. Perhaps if you take back some responsibility both your husband and daughter might be more respectful and willing to engage with you.

user1476869312 · 10/07/2017 19:01

You need to get treatment for your MH issues. But you come across as someone who would prefer not to get treatment but play the martyr and have everyone else running around 'looking after' you.
If you have severe agorophobia and anxiety, there is help available, but you need to take steps towards getting it rather than sit there whining. |Your DD and her dad do not have to sacrifice their lives to coddling you - they probably really needed a break.

MadMags · 10/07/2017 19:02

Honestly, maybe he just wanted a holiday with his dd where he didn't want to have to coax and mind you.

When you say you got sick, do you mean with your agoraphobia?

I'm not saying he shouldn't be supportive, of course he should. But it's so very hard living with someone with MH issues and he might need a break and some "normality". And your dd certainly does. Please don't make her feel guilty for forgetting to ring you! She's a child surrounded by people and having fun. That's a really, really good thing.

I don't know what your dh is like, of course. But he sounds quite generous and kind, inviting his ex wife and her partner on holidays etc.

Please get help. You are entitled to enjoy your life. But so is he!

lmer · 10/07/2017 19:04

And if he does leave- what happens to your daughter? Is she supposed to hide away with you? He's taken His daughter on holiday, he has the right, she's not just yours. You need help and while that happens you can't expect everyone else's life to stop

Saiman · 10/07/2017 19:07

Op i have to say i agree with everyone else. You cant blame your mental health problems solely on your partner and not giving enough support.

Given the rest of your post i suspect he has supported you, but not in a way you found acceptable.

You cant be coaxed out. You cant hold your dd back.

OnlyAQuickNC · 10/07/2017 19:19

YABU and I hope you really listen to and take the advicr posted here - get yourself some help and stop blaming your daughters father.

Original poster
charley30 · 10/07/2017 20:15

Well this was the wrong thing to do but then you don't know my situation . I am not moaning not playing a victim and have given up a great part of my life to be the best mother I can be . He has knocked the heart out of me as half the time iv been with him he's been a drunk then when he stopped drinking te stopped sleeping with me nd took up residence in the spare room . If you think that gives me no tpright to be angry then thanks for the support not . My illness is physical the agoraphobia started when I got sick so yes I need help with that and if he and I were a normal couple would a living partner not try to give support to their partner . So by telling you he is emotionally unavailable is his problem but in my book not normal . He works and never communicates with me . He expects dinner on the table and clothes washed . He does nothing for me he has never got up in the night to feed my daughter look after her when she was sick or take her to school even when I got sick I did this all on my own even if I was crawling on the floor . Is this the way a partner is . Is partnership not a loving caring relationship were 2 people parent equally and communicate regularly . I have no friends or family and he has taken my daughter away of course I me her . He will not even ring to check in me to see if I'm ok . So to me that is unacceptable . No he can go away all he wants for as long as he wants but he is not doing it for my daughter he is doing it for me . How judgemental of you all to think that he needs a break from looking after me he does nothing zero zilch for me I have had to do it all myself . If we were not together I would not care but I am hurt that he stays when he knows how much damage he is doing . My daughter is fine and has just got back from being away with her aunt also . I do not begrudge her that it is him and his dysfunctional family .

OP posts:
Original poster
charley30 · 10/07/2017 20:19

He has never given my daughter normality I have if by normal means not respecting the mother of your child then he dies that ten fold he ignores me doesn't talk to me doesn't show affection I have tried to shield my daughter from the hurt he has caused me but you are right about this he has every right to enjoy his life but so have I and I am not by being with him x

OP posts:
Sushi123 · 10/07/2017 20:24

OP, it sounds like you need help. Could you speak to your GP about a referral for psychological help? I'm sorry you haven't received the responses you may have expected, but you can't expect other people's lives to stand still because yours has. What is your physical illness? Perhaps there's a related charity who may be able to help you?

Writerwannabe83 · 10/07/2017 20:25

You're NBU to feel angry and resentment towards him at all, however you can't be angry at him for taking your daughter away when you yourself can't.

My DH and DS go abroad about twice a year without me as he can get time off that I can't and I hate it onnone hand because I'm upset they're making memories without me there but at the same time I'm happy for DS because he always has such a fantastic time and I would never deny him happiness just because I'm not the one giving it to him.

I do understand how you feel though Flowers

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/07/2017 20:27

Even if you split up he will still get to take your DD on holiday without you.

Badhairday1001 · 10/07/2017 20:31

You are obviously having a really hard time, have you sought help for your agoraphobia? My Nan suffered from it and like you it started when a medical condition made it difficult for her to leave the house. She never got help and it became so bad she was unable to attend my wedding even though we were very close, she was trapped in her own home.
Your daughter is growing up and will become more independent. She is not just your daughter, her Dad has just as much right to take her on holiday as you do. I think it is going to be very damaging if you rely on her for your emotional support. It must be hard but your daughter needs to go out and enjoy being a kid and not be worrying about you and how you're coping.

Original poster
charley30 · 10/07/2017 20:36

I am so happy she is having fun . I didn't mean it to come across that way . I have always made sure her life is as nor a, as possible and put my own feelings aside . I'm jealous and angry as he has never been helpful or supportive . He has been an armchair parent while I did all the running about . I want to get to do these things again . What professional is best to help me X

OP posts:
EastMidsMumOf1 · 10/07/2017 20:37

Sorry you're having a hard time love but you cannot blame you dds dad for giving her experiences that you are unable to. I dont mean to sound insensitive as I also struggle leaving the house but how else would your dd get to enjoy holidays and time away from home? I highly doubt there is any malice in what hes done. He knows your struggling and doesnt want dd to suffer because of your illness. I really hope you have sought help thoughFlowers

HipsterHunter · 10/07/2017 20:39

YABU and your mental illness may be clouding your judgement.

He has taken his daughter on holiday. You think she should miss out cos you can't?

Original poster
charley30 · 10/07/2017 20:41

Sorry not emotionally shut off from my daughter but from my partner . So what do I do . I have always made sure I do not rely on my daughter to fulfil my emotional needs . Just need to get some kind of life back for myself . If we were split up he would be taking daughter away . It is hard but being in the relationship is harder as I feel so alone . It is not what I wanted for us all . I feel he could have tried harder and we all deserve happiness X

OP posts:
hippyhippyshake · 10/07/2017 20:42

You would be better separated. Why are you still doing his cooking and washing if you have both checked out of the relationship?

Original poster
charley30 · 10/07/2017 20:42

What do you do to help yourself X

OP posts:
Original poster
charley30 · 10/07/2017 20:43

I think iv been afraid of hurting my daughter and he will not leave . He is quite happy with the relationship . It is all a farce

OP posts:
hippyhippyshake · 10/07/2017 20:44

Why would he take her away? Is this what he has threatened?

Sirzy · 10/07/2017 20:45

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

Badhairday1001 · 10/07/2017 20:45

It's not your fault that you are feeling this way, it's a horrible illness that makes people feel out of control. Get your mental health well, it's just as important as your physical health. Go to the doctors and ask about CBT, get well and leave your unsupportive partner if that's still what you want to do. You need to get well so that you have choices and you can build a new life for you and your daughter. Flowers

Original poster
charley30 · 10/07/2017 20:46

No I meant he would be taking her away on holiday if we were split up . But yes I do fear he will make things hard for me if we split up as he has done this with his past relationship .

OP posts:
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