To be annoyed at partner taking my daughter on holiday.

[charley30]

I have been in a relationship for 16 years . It hasn't been easy but I had my beautiful daughter now 11 . We are not connected emotionally any more I shut down and stopped trying about 2 years ago when I went through a health crises and had no support from partner . I realised then his interests are in the house we share and our daughter that I have brought up and provided for while he has done nothing . When I got sick he took a bit. Of control re my daughter and started to take her to clubs etc now he thinks he's super dad . I'm so angry as I am now agoraphobic . But getting slightly better . My point being if I had had support and shown the love and companionship I should hav I may not be left in this position . I can cope on my own but he won't leave . Instead he lives a separate life but this one thing I can t do ( travel ) he has a hold over me for . He has now taken my daughter away for a 2 night break ending up in a much longer one as he has invited his friend and his kids down for the night out for dinner and having a great old time . Now he's invited his other daughter by his ex wife' her partner and their 2 children down to stay tonight . My daughter is having a great time and I am happy about that but I am missing out plus he us quite happy about that . He has t said but I can see right through him . I know he doesn't care about me otherwise he would have Even tried to coax me to go but I do not feel confident that he would ve patient with me as he has let me down in the past . I feel angry at him angry at myself that I cannot drive and get up and go and angry that I am not getting yo make memories with my daughter . He has stolen this from me and I'm upset !! He has not rang me once since going away 4 days ago he doesn't care and I have had to ring my daughter as she is having so much fun she's forgotten about me . I am such a good mum iv done everything to give my daughter the best start in life even when I was sick but I am stuck as I don't want to upset her and tell him to go but it is hurting me too much the way her disrespects me I have wasted my life on an emotional,y unavailable man who would be quite happy to live separate lives in the same house for the rest of his life . He is so selfish . He promised to look after me when I got sick and I stupidly believed him as I was too ill and wanted to be sure that he was there for our daughter but now I'm left so unhappy and lonely . And so bloody agoraphobic I don't know how to get past this . And he's quite happy to leave me like this . Please be nice I'm so upset they're all having a great time and I'm left behind x

Something...just do something..you can't continue you like this...make small changes that benefit you one step at a time...I know it might sound wishy washy, but maybe reading a self help book, or doing an online mindfulness course might help...engage with friends, tell them openly and honestly how you feel...don't feel sorry for yourself...reach out for help, it is there in some shape or form x

Thank you yes I am bitter but not beat yet I want to get well I realise how awful my post sounds . I just feel anger as he does not make my situation easier but only adds to it . He is of no good to me but all the years of trying to get him to be a good father he may have finally realised . I am happy she is enjoying herself . I do not rely on her emotionally . She has a great time with great friends and lots of fun it's just me that needs to have some of that . Thank you I will try and get the help I need and I know I will be happier without him .

Have you spoken to your GP?

In process of changing gp as they aren't v understanding I will have to pay privately I'm not sure which is best . But I am willing to pay for the help I need X

I'm sorry you feel like shit but if you
Speak to your partner like you posted on here no wonder he has backed away. He is doing his utmost to make happy memories for his daughter. She is equally his daughter. He sounds like he has withdrawn from the relationship but he needs to be there for his daughter as presumably if you needed to
Leave the house for anything for her you couldn't. If you leave I suspect he would fight for residency. You need to stop blaming your partner for everything and seek help

Obviously this is not a healthy relationship and is one you're better out of but you don't sound capable of getting yourself out of it right now. Make getting the GP to your house top priority, if you can't leave your house then that's your top priority.
My Father in law is agrophobic, he refuses to get help, he won't let my mother in law leave the house either and everyone in that house is utterly utterly miserable. They hate each other now because they're locked in a house together neither will be at all proactive about making the situation better.
Please forget about the holiday, even if he's done it just to wind you up your daughter is having a great time and you are having a break from him. Try to concentrate on your daughter and your health, he's either winding you up or you're being paranoid. Either way getting healthy helps you sort either of those out.

Set yourself a goal OP, something small that is out of your comfort zone..don't think too much about it, just do it...let us know how you go. It could be just making a phone call or something x

You seem intent on blaming this all on him but it's not his fault you are sick and your daughter didn't ask you to give up your life for her.

You should be glad he's stepped up as a father or your daughter wouldn't get to do much or go anywhere.

If you are unhappy leave but he would likely go for residency as it would be in the best interests of his daughter.

""I will have to pay privately ""

I think when you change GP be honest about how bad things are and take what they offer.

The idea of support groups might be daunting, but your GP may signpost you to them, also.

I had a lot of bitterness towards my ex,he changed me as a person,through his abuse. I became Agoraphobic.I was then hospitalised because i'd ignored health problems, that gave me a wake-up-call.

I think that you need outside help to get to a place where you realise that you no longer need support from your Partner, or anyone else.

Getting over the bitterness and resentment, will be part of the first step. You have plenty of time to still build the life that you want for yourself.

But op he doesn't nor shouldnt have to call you.
Im sorry, but you're not a couple.
It would be nice, but you're not his priority anymore.
He can take her holiday, how is he doing it too you you?
If you are ill he knows you can't go ( plus he probably doesn't want to go with you as you're not a couple) so why not take his daughter?
Agree with others that it does sound like you need support.
If you're changing gps what about support groups?
If you're struggling to leave the house there are online groups too that can be very helpful.
Are you on facebook?
There are support groups on there depending on your illness.

Just to second that; be completely honest with your new gp.

He/she should be able to point you in the right direction.

Well, no he's not going to leave his daughter with someone who can't meet her social needs, who uses guilt trips and martyrdom to get her own way, and who demands to be 'coaxed' to do things she wants to do.

(that's you, OP)

He will do what he's already doing, mollifying you the majority of the time, and caring for his daughter.

You admit you checked out of the relationship - why should he coax and care for you? My ex doesn't coax and care for me. It's not normal.

Your daughter has gone on holiday with her dad. Be glad she is having fun and stop trying to piss on her cornflakes just because you can't eat yours.

I'm not sure that kicking the OP whilst she's down is really necessary. There are ways to say she's being unreasonable without launching a character assassination of someone who has disclosed that they are mentally unwell.

As someone who has been mentally unwell for 19 years, it is exactly no, in the middle of the everyone-blaming, self pitying whining, that people need a dose of reality about why things are happening the way they are and their own role in these events.

It is very easy to take your emotions as facts when you are mentally unwell. Sometimes you need someone to point out that they are just emotions, and the reality of the situatiion is different.

I get you have problems. but did u ever stop to think how hard it must have been for him. to run the hole house bring up his child and loose the woman he loves and married to a mental illness?. he IS super dad. he did step up. he could have walked away when it got to much. he stood by u and ur daughter. and now he's makin sure ur daughter is having the childhood she deserves. u want him to try to convince u even tho u both no u won't go because it'll make u feel.better. that's silly. have u called him in the last 4 days? have u asked him how he is or how he coping or how he's feeling? no. u checked out the the relationship but u still expect him to run rings round u. unfair op. be thankful he is an amazing dad and does these things for dd. alot of men and women wouldn't be strong enough.

OP, I think you are being given a very hard time by other posters. It might be what you need, a good luck up the bum can be very powerful sometimes but very damaging at other times.

You are unwell and feeling vunerable having had your relationship breakdown yet still have to share a house - in so many other posts just the second part would get sympathy never mind having to deal with it when sick. I am not saying you are blameless as the is clearly a lot of upset and anger from your side but i really feel for you here. So I'm giving you a hand hold and .

You sound like you do want to change but aren't sure how so maybe some of the things below will help. (You mention a GP so I am assuming you are in the UK but I not the advice should still be of use.

• sort out a GP you feel comfortable with.

• It sounds as though you have an illness and agoraphobia. Is that right? Do everything you can in terms of following a plan for your illness. Take meds on time, do any recommend actions such as physical therapy or better diet.

• As for the agoraphobia also talk to your gp about this and seek out a therapist. If you can afford to go private with it then do so. You can search for reputable therapists in your area here

• if that is taking a while it you aren't ready for therapy try some books and online resources. Amazon has loads of workbooks. I used one for my anxiety and it helped a lot.

• talk to your ex about the living arrangements. Try to do so I'm a calm way to get an understanding of what he sees the future options to be.

• what support is he getting for his drinking? Has he stopped entirely or does he still sometimes drink? could he go to AA meetings?

• you could start to build up a network of your own. Hard while you have agoraphobia but you can start by reaching out to family and old friends. Also see if there are any online support groups for your illness. It will make you feel less alone. Meetups is a good site for finding like minded people.

Above all, aim to do one thing each day to improve your situation. It can be small but decide what it is in the morning then congratulate yourself in the evening after it is done.

Indogox - does this activity involve overnight stays? As you are using your own situation to make a comparison with the OP's situation and calling her selfish, better make sure they are the same.

Firstly OP you've been extremely gracious when you've returned to some pretty hefty (if constructive) criticism.

And secondly if you are after paid-for, private help - I would go to the BACP website and search for a psychotherapist who deals with agoraphobia by Skype. Make a bit of a shortlist and interview at least 2-3. Go with the one you can gel with.
Best wishes to you

Gosh, I'm not surprised he's gone away for a bit.
He's giving your daughter a nice time on holiday
you said yourself it's not a relationship any more so why would he 'phone you?
Why are you doing his washing etc?
Why are you so angry?
Would you really prefer for your dd to just stay in with you till she develops mental health issues of her own?
Stop being so bloody selfish

Thank you all for the response yes you are mostly right and I am being selfish . I am lonely and being selfish . I do want to make a life for myself away from my partner . He is emotional,y unavailable long before I became unwell . My expectations may have been high but I had good morals and core values . Which is probably why I am angry and bitter . Yes I have allowed a lot of this to happen and I want to take control . No his whole life is a break but I probably made mistakes and spoiled him and supported him but didn't get that in return . I will seek the help I need . My daughter is the most important thing to me but I know she is his daughter also . I have never stopped him from engaging her rather I have to encourage him too . I'm glad she is having fun . He doesn't care or need to about me you are all right . I am trying . And just needed a hand to hold . But looking back I sound like a moan . So time to change and help myself . Thank you

Thank you elizadontlittlexx

It's understandable that you are finding your current situation frustrating and annoying. One key thing which you need to come to terms with is that your partner is not going to give you the support you need. So where can you get your support from? Build yourself a support structure that allows you to live life in a way that makes you feel happier. Also save your energy, don't waste energy on doing things for him if you are getting nothing back in return. You only have limited resources (physically and emotionally from the sound of things) so don't waste them on him. Focus your efforts on yourself and your DD.
Good luck.

I'm sorry but you are YABU, but I do understand your MH issues are a major contributing factor to that.

You say yourself, that these issues you have do impede on your ability to live your life fully.
Surely as a parent you don't want the same life for your DD by extension?

You really do need to access help via your GP to address these problems, not only because you owe it to yourself and DD, but also because as you say you are now split from your partner.
I do think it's a blessing where you are concerned that he's still living at home. Because in all likelihood, if he left he'd take DD with him. I know I would.

It's probable that he is staying on at home mainly for her wellbeing, so that your MH issues don't impact on her right to live life fully, ie. having breaks, trips into town, picnics in the park etc. Just regular things that she has the reasonable expectation to as a child.

Please do strive to make getting help your priority.
Because if he does leave while your mental health hasn't improved, there's a very real possibility that Courts would award him residency, due to the fact that in a house alone, your MH problems would directly impede on your ability to offer her the childhood she deserves. Right now if he left, it would possibly be in DDs best interests to go with her Dad.

Unless XP purposely intended to set off negative emotions every time you left the house, he did not 'make you agoraphobic'. That is something that has spiralled in your own mind.

and wishing you strength and good luck with addressing your problems. I'm the child of someone who had chronic MH issues while I was growing up, and it was a very vulnerable place to be when she was having a particularly bad day. Remember, other people may trigger symptoms but nobody is responsible for your MH but you. If you continue to blame your XP for not being supportive enough then and that has 'made you worse now', then you are dwelling on looking backwards. If your head is focusing backwards you'll never look go forward. Focus on the future instead.
Good luck OP.

Maybe, just maybe it isn't his fault you're ill.

You need to find support elsewhere op.
You can't expect it to come from your exp, he's your ex, not your dp.
Life is hard for you right now, it's not unreasonable to want support, but it is to expect it from him.
When you get a new gp be honest, they're the ones who will help you.
In the mean time look for support groups, so atleast you will be able to talk to people in the same position.
Plus, there is always this place!
Things will get better op!