To be upset that best friend of 12 years is ignoring me?

[nicetoseeyoutoseeyounice]

Since my best friend got married just over a year ago she's gotten more and more distant with me and I can't figure out why.

She's always been a bit crap at replying to my messages or returning my calls but last few months she takes almost a week to reply to me or doesn't bother at all. Her husband is lovely, and they absolutely adore each other so I don't think he's the reason. She is out socialising all the time with other friends nearby (I moved about 4 years ago, only 40 miles away but has never been an issue before).

I know she's trying for a baby at the moment so maybe she doesn't want to be around me because I have kids and it upsets her? I am really confused. We have always had the kind of relationship where we can tell each other if we have done something to piss each other off and move past it. But she flat out ignoring me. She's the only close friend I have so i really don't want to end such a long friendship. This has really upset me. I txt her a few days ago basically saying she's been a bit rubbish at keeping in touch lately and guess what? She's ignored me, again. Should I just leave her to it and wait for her to get in touch? Aibu to be upset by this or should I get my big girl pants on and accept she's just not worth the hassle?

I don;t understand why you told her she was rubbish and a shit friend, were you trying to make her feel bad? Surely you can understand that's not very constructive?!

I'd have zero time for that pressure from a friend, to be honest.

Really, you would ghost your best friend of 12 years because they called you out on your behaviour? I'm not imagining it, she has been a shit friend. In the past she would be like ah sorry, didn't realise. But this is deliberate and she's made that clear by trying to turn it back around on me.

This is the whole reason I hate social media etc, you shouldn't be able to see that she has been online for two hours! I hate this sort of monitoring of other people.

Exactly.

I absolutely hate these demands for attention by grown adults. Like friends who call, you see the missed call a while later and text back 'Can't talk right now but will call later'. and they immediately call again'.

OP, she was going to come to your BBQ. How is that 'ghosting' you??

Like friends who call, you see the missed call a while later and text back 'Can't talk right now but will call later'. and they immediately call again'

Omg yes!! Then they complain saying that the person was on their phone so why can't they answer? The person receiving the calls gets pissed off becuase of the lack of understanding and is then said to be ghosting the caller. God I can be arsed with it!

Tbh I have probably ghosted and been ghosted but I probably didn't notice. I think it's a shit term for friendships that just sort of fade out. It makes someone the bad guy and the victim when it's probably just that the friendship has run its course.

Dear OP,

Just a different perspective, I think I've behaved in a similar way as your friend to a few good friends.

I was also recently-ish married. A few stressful things happened in quick succession shortly after getting married and I didn't know how to cope or talk about them. I ended up becoming really really down and shut the whole world including all my friends out.

I know a lot of my friends found it very hurtful and thought that I'd dumped them now that I was married, which couldn't have been further from the truth. I was just in a bad place and I couldn't see a way out. My sister didn't understand and repeatedly had a go/didn't speak to me for a bit and it just exacerbated those feelings of guilt and despair. In some ways, the closer I had been to someone, the harder I found talking/being with them as I knew they would be able to see through my flimsy veneer of being alright and so the more I shut them out. I didn't feel able to talk about it.

Things are a lot better now and I'm reconnecting again with old friends. I've apologised and luckily the majority people have been understanding.

This might not be what's going with your friend. However, I am really grateful to those mates who were able to look beyond me being a bit of a shitty friend for over a year and patiently waited for me to get back in touch when I was able to.