To be upset that best friend of 12 years is ignoring me?

[nicetoseeyoutoseeyounice]

Since my best friend got married just over a year ago she's gotten more and more distant with me and I can't figure out why.

She's always been a bit crap at replying to my messages or returning my calls but last few months she takes almost a week to reply to me or doesn't bother at all. Her husband is lovely, and they absolutely adore each other so I don't think he's the reason. She is out socialising all the time with other friends nearby (I moved about 4 years ago, only 40 miles away but has never been an issue before).

I know she's trying for a baby at the moment so maybe she doesn't want to be around me because I have kids and it upsets her? I am really confused. We have always had the kind of relationship where we can tell each other if we have done something to piss each other off and move past it. But she flat out ignoring me. She's the only close friend I have so i really don't want to end such a long friendship. This has really upset me. I txt her a few days ago basically saying she's been a bit rubbish at keeping in touch lately and guess what? She's ignored me, again. Should I just leave her to it and wait for her to get in touch? Aibu to be upset by this or should I get my big girl pants on and accept she's just not worth the hassle?

well, the friend is working full time, trying for a baby with the husband she loves (TMI here!), socialising a lot and has always been crap at replying to message... doesn't sound like she has that much time for a friend pestering her and inviting/cancelling/blocking!

Would you bother?

Most friendships change and evolve, some end. Try and meet new people and take your focus off your old friend. You can't force someone to be your friend. Maybe just let go of this and move forward.

Hi I'm sorry you're feeling abandoned but as an infertile, I'd imagine you might have hit the nail on the head when you said she might be avoiding you because you have children. You don't say how old they are but if they were "easily" come by, it can be horrendous to be around if you are struggling month after month to get a BFP or recurrently miscarrying. It's not your fault and it's certainly not that you're boring but I've been that person to distance myself from people whose lives looked so much like the life I wanted. Her coping mechanism might be to focus on making new (childfree) friends with her husband, going out and trying new things etc.
If you really love and miss her, maybe write her a note (I'd get off social media personally) or at least a text or go and see her (without your kids) and say you miss her, you care about her, and if she needs some distance for a while for whatever reason, you'll be there for her when she's ready. And give her time - days, weeks, whatever - to respond. Sometimes people go through the hardest time of their lives and hide it. She might be crying herself to sleep every night but is too embarrassed/ashamed/depressed to tell anyone except her husband.
Don't give up on a 12 year friendship easily.

OP is being forced to be confrontational and dramatic by being ghosted.

That's sort of how I read it.

To those saying "why don't you call her?", the poster stated in her OP that friend hasn't been returning her texts or calls.

Sounds like she's ghosting you. She seems to be blaming the "break up" on you calling her a "crap friend" but this - rightly or wrongly - was in response to the lack of contact from her.

I would try to accept the friendship has run its course and focus on making new friends elsewhere.

I completely agree that it must have just run its course. And even an explanation from her wouldn't really do any good. Best to just accept it and move on. Urgh. Why are people such assholes to each other?

I love how some people are making the victime he cause of all the trouble TBH.

For a whole year, the OP hasn't been on her friends back. She has been understanding that she is busy/must have read the etc and then forgotten to reply etc... For the whole year.
After a year, she then wonders if she has actually done something so asks her.
But somehowts her fault for being too direct/on her back? Really?

Are you all saying that you should never ever ask someone WHY they aren't talking to you anymore? You are suppose to assume they are busy etc... and certainly not raise the fact that there is a point where they are just rude.

Interesting what avoiding confrontation can make you think.

I've pmed you OP X

I think the OP was right to invite her friend to a bbq. The friend accepted the invit a couple of hours later. So far, all reasonable.

What I don't get is the OP ranting against the friend daring not replying immediately! (she might have been in the middle of a chat with friends, asked her DH if they were free...since when is 2 hours a big deal!) and unfriending her.

too much drama. She hasn't been an asshole at all, the woman has a life! OP, calm down with your next friends, adults with jobs/families/a life don't have that much time to be replying instantly to everything.

But why is it all being done by FB and not by actual talking? I, for example, do not have FB messager on my phone. So I can be on FB for two hours but not see a message. I also sometimes take a week to reply to a message. It's not my way of communicating. People use FB differently.

Why didn't you just phone her?

The tone of messages can come accross wrong over FB/text.

All seems a bit immature.

But why is it all being done by FB and not by actual talking?

How is she supposed to talk to her if the friend won't take/return her calls?

I think turning up at her door could be more confrontational than FBing.

If the failure to reply to a few FB messages was all that had passed between them, I'd agree that OP had totally overreacted. But it sounds as if friend has been ghosting her for quite some time.

You are the one who makes all the effort to keep this friendship going with very little input from her, therefore it's not the equal partnership it should be.

Maybe it's time to let go and find other friends with whom you are on an equal footing and who are more considerate.

It's not all done on fb. I was txting her. Would have called her but I knew she wouldn't pick up given her recent odd behaviour. I'm sorry it might sound really immature and clingy the way I explain it but you know when someone is suddenly behaving out of character. She is not like this. And I'm struggling to understand what's going on that's all. But anyway I shall let her get on with it. She doesn't want to be friends anymore for whatever reason and that's her own choice.

OP I think that perhaps you rely on this friendship a bit more than your friend does because you might be feeling lonely? You can't force someone to reply and reciprocate a friendship the way you'd like it to be. At this point it might be better to just let it be for now, give the friendship some breathing space and perhaps concentrate on yourself a little bit for the time being?

Don't make any decisions now that you're feeling hurt. Go ahead with the bbq and enjoy it with whoever might turn up; if your friend turns up, great; if she doesn't, try to not place too much weight on that.

Try and spend less time on facebook. It's unhealthy. I know it's hard when you have little ones and sometimes you don't have the energy to focus on anything in between running from one task to the next, but any activity you do weekly where you focus on just yourself will help you.

If she's a friend then sending her hostile messages on FB and defriending her is an extreme reaction. Maybe she is having a tough time TTC or having ties with her partner.

OP, you've made it all about you and your hurt feelings instead of asking if she's ok.

I will be honest -all this texting and FB sounds like something my DC do. You could have tried actually talking to her and if she didn't pick up the phone at least you tried. It is now time to move on.

Im sorry OP. You must be feeling so sad. Even adult friendships turn to infantile playground stuff when they are strained. I understand exactly why you have behaved as you have, despite previous posters saying you're being clingy etc. It hurts when a friend moves on. But the only people who are any value to you are people that value you back.

Do you have other people you can start building a friendship with? Someone at toddler group you can arrange acinema trip with or something?

Op I have been the ghoster and the ghostee and neither of them feel good.
It sounds as though your friendship has came to a natural end and no amount of chasing will change it.

I'm sorry you are feeling hurt OP but I agree that you sound about 12. Sending aggressive 'do you have a problem with me' type messages and then de-friending after a couple of hours. Perhaps she needed some time to work out what to say, perhaps she is really struggling with infertility, maybe she wants to see less of someone so emotional and draining. None of us know but you definitely overreacted. I might de-friend someone if they didn't reply over a long period - months/a year - but not a few hours. Grow up.

Like I said before, she's been phasing me out for the last year so I didn't unfriend her as a knee jerk reaction because she didn't reply to one message. She is very fb present. You know these fake fb/instagram people? She's one of those.

But Rhi, if you go distant on a friend and don't reply to messages, even if it's because you're having a hard time, then the friend will feel they personally have been "dumped" unless you tell them that it's not that you're annoyed with them.

So hard time or not, if she treats people like this and doesn't explain when the OP wonders why she's ignoring her, she'll lose friends and unfortunately, it her (the friend's) own fault.

You know these fake fb/instagram people? She's one of those.
So, she's putting on a facade & you're not worried why..?

You know these fake fb/instagram people? She's one of those.

You don't sound as if you actually like her much OP, so I'm wondering why you are bothering tbh?

Just leave it. If she's remotely interested in picking the friendship up again she can contact you, and if she doesn't then all you've lost is a load of hassle and heartache.

People DO drift apart..it's a fact if life.

Did you not ask her is something wrong rather than call her a shit friend? If a friend came out with something like that to me, before asking if something was up, I'd probably 'ghost' them too. At least she's saying what she thinks.