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Original poster

I want to trick my husband into having a baby.

86 replies

TippyTinkleTrousers · 10/07/2017 11:10

Please read first I am not going to do this.

I just to say it. I need help. I'm currently sat in the doctors with a big fat waiting line.

We have two children and I got pregnant again because we were careless with contraception. In that we didn't even use any.

DH wanted me to have an abortion but I couldn't do it. I struggled with the idea of being pregnant but after my scan at 13 weeks he was so perfect and cute I really started to come round to the idea.

Then last weekend 14, nearly 15 weeks my I found out that my baby's heart has stopped.
I was induced in hospital and he was a tiny bit perfect little boy.

I'm so depressed. I can't eat or talk or do anything. I just drink and cry.

I want another baby and DH says there's absolutely no way of it happening.

And my stupid fucking irrational brain actually considered somehow tricking him.

I wont please read that I wont.

But fucking hell I feel so fucking depressed and bad I don't even want to breath.

OP posts:
GivePeasAGo · 10/07/2017 17:22

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

I had a first trimester mmc and felt the same manic desperation. Counselling did help a bit but I also wrote a poem to my baby and spoke to the miscarriage association. Maybe worth calling them.

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk

GivePeasAGo · 10/07/2017 17:23

I felt like I had a dark hole in me. I was also desperately driven for others to acknowledge my baby and to remember myself. I didn't want to forget.

3luckystars · 10/07/2017 17:41

I agree with the earlier post by Brenna. Every single word.

It's so so recent, my heart goes out to you. I can understand completely how you are feeling,
I would be just like 'I have been through so much, can't you give me this tiny chink of light that there is even 1% chance of us having another baby to help me through this pain' and he can't even give you that. I can understand how upset you are. It's so hard.

I just wanted to wish you well x

Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 10/07/2017 18:13

That's exactly it 3luckystars I tried to get him to give me even an ounce of hope but nothing. At the same time I respect and understand all the reasons why he doesn't want to.

GivePeasAGo I absolutely and completely understand and feel the same.

I never announced the baby's news on Facebook when we had the 13 week scan. Mainly because at that point, despite the scan being all well I had a very deep dark feeling that something wasn't right.

However, once I knew he had passed away I wanted to show the world how cute he was and his tiny button nose and keep talking about him because he was tiny but perfect.
I've kept it off Facebook due to it being private and against DH's wishes (he's super private) but I really did want to show of his scan.
Not for the sympathy but for the 'Look at my baby! He lived and me and he was loved!'

OP posts:
Brenna24 · 10/07/2017 18:42

I think you should tell people about him, definitely not all over facebook, but talk to your friends and family about it. He is as much one of your children as any of the others. My husband is Italian and in Italy they don't wait until 12 weeks to tell anyone. They just tell people when they feel like it. I did ask him what happens if we lose it and he looked at me like I was mad and said "Well then people will grieve with us". So we did it the italian way and it made my life so much easier. I have acknowledged each of my little ones. They have a place in my family and even if I never manage to have a live child I will still be a Mum. It has also meant that friends who have had miscarriages have been able to come to me right from when they first worried about it and ask for help and advice. Each of them have said ti made it easier to be able to talk about it, to know what was coming and they got a lot more info and support from me than from the NHS. So I feel like I have made the darkest period of my life into something positive for other people. Which helps me a lot.

Jayfee · 10/07/2017 18:51

i remembrr buying nsppies for my son snd domeone in front of me had smsllet bsby nappies and it made me cry. i felt very wobbly at times..not sure whether it was hormones or grief..but it does pass. be gentle with yourself

Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 10/07/2017 19:04

Thank you. Talking to you guys helps me a lot. More than I thought it would actually.

Mumsnet has been such a crutch for me over the last decade, I actually don't know how I would be without it.

OP posts:
Whatsername17 · 10/07/2017 19:17

That feeling that someone is missing might never go away. I feel the same even though it isn't physically possible for me to have had dd2 and the baby I lost. Absolutely talk about him. Did you give him a name? Do you want to share his picture with us? Did you know you can have some of his ashes preserved inside of a piece of jewellery so you can have him with you forever?

Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 10/07/2017 19:30

We did give him a name. It was a name I considered quite a bit before I knew whether the baby was male or female but I didn't discuss it with DH until the baby died.

But his name is Ashley.

I want to trick my husband into having a baby.
OP posts:
Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 10/07/2017 19:31

Oh bollocks my name is on that one.

oh I don't care.

OP posts:
Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 10/07/2017 19:32

Shit maybe it does matter though.

Should I get MN to delete it? I'm worrying now.

OP posts:
Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 10/07/2017 19:38

I've reported it.

I'm such a twat, I didn't see the bottom part clearly as it loaded.

OP posts:
Whatsername17 · 10/07/2017 19:43

He is beautiful and I love the name you chose. I read once that babies lost in the womb never know cold, hunger, fear or hurt, only love. All Ashley ever knew was your love. He is one of only three people in the whole world who knows what your heartbeat sounds like from the inside. He is and always will be so special. I'm so sorry for your loss xx

JustDontGetItAtAll · 10/07/2017 19:47

I think your DH is being unreasonable. He knew how old you were when you got together. To say "no more kids" at 35yrs old is quite a big deal. It's a decision you need to make together. Also, if he accepted that you were having the baby you lost (very sorry btw Flowers), then why can't he accept another? What difference would it make? A few months?

Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 10/07/2017 19:57

Whatseename that's such a lovely thing to say.
DH said that while the baby was in me he must have felt like it was the best bed ever to sleep in.
I love that too.
Words are so hard when stuff like this happens but some words are just perfect and I really appreciate that whatsername.

Justdontgetit because it's life and my husband is human and things aren't always perfect. And I respect his decision even though it hurts.

OP posts:
Whatsername17 · 10/07/2017 19:58
Flowers
Brenna24 · 10/07/2017 20:00

Lovely name. Flowers

AndNowItIsSeven · 10/07/2017 20:04

Ashley is a beautiful name, and you are right you can see his cute button nose on his scan picture.

Bearberry · 10/07/2017 20:08

I am so sorry for you loss, it's truly heartbreaking what you are going through.

I lost our first baby at 20 weeks. The whole situation was hellish and the delivery traumatic, I won't go into details. The pregnancy wasn't planned, and was in fact rubbish timing and gave me the shock of my life when I found out - we hadn't anticipated children for a few years at this point. However like you I soon got my head around the idea and became attached and excited.

Our baby was called Beatrix, losing her was the worst thing that's ever happened to me by a long way. I remember in the hospital the next day I just had this sudden massive urge to get pregnant again and have a baby. It quickly intensified and felt literally primal, like a hunger. It was totally irrational which I recognised but the need was bigger than rational thought. I was terrified in some ways to have another baby, they never found out why we lost Beatrix and as she was my first I was scared there was some unknown issue with me that meant that say would happen again. However my need to get pregnant again was bigger than all that fear.

My DH was on side and I think to be honest the focus on us trying to conceive and having another pregnancy was the only thing that got me through the early days of grief. The second pregnancy was very difficult but she arrived safe and sound (now 14 months old). DD has not replaced Beatrix, and I knew she never could. It's hard to explain how but having her made so much sense, she is Bea's legacy. It's bitter sweet at times in that regard. I still think of Beatrix every day and my grief is ongoing but DD brings such joy to my heart alongside that grief.

I'm trying to relate all the feelings I had to your situation, and I can't imagine how it would be to already have children and to have DH perspective. The only thing I think is that time does change things, be that your desire to have another child or your DH' resistance to that, I don't know.

I just wanted to tell you my story and to tell you I know that desperate need you're feeling now, and how it's bigger than you. I'm so sorry you're going through this, my thoughts are with you.

Iggi999 · 10/07/2017 20:18

I am sorry for your loss Flowers
Your dh has an odd way of ensuring he doesn't have a child at his age, if he has unprotected sex, even as a one off. I hope you find some peace.

Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 11/07/2017 18:40

DH just told me I'm emotionally blackmailing him.

I don't feel like I am.

I just said I want some hope. I want another baby, that our boys would have adored their baby brother.

Does it sound like I'm emotionally blackmailing him? If it does than it isn't my intention, I just want a baby.

Today I lost all my dignity today and sent him a text message begging him to help me with this pain and agree to another baby.

The answer is still no and it always will be.

My heart is breaking. All I want to do is sleep and drink. I can't eat, I don't even have the energy to get up and go for a wee.

I don't think I've ever felt so down and lost and depressed in my life.

OP posts:
AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 11/07/2017 19:11

You are emotionally blackmailing him, and being pretty cruel to him actually, but I do understand why you feel this way Flowers

You need to focus on yourself, not on forcing/manipulating your husband into an unwanted child. I know how devastating it is to miscarry a wanted child, but you need to stop making him feel guilty for not wanting another baby - his feelings are every bit as important as yours, and it would be awful to make him have a child he doesn't want.

Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 11/07/2017 19:14

Fuck. That's really hard to hear.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 11/07/2017 19:22

I'm not going to waste too much time feeling sorry for a man who asked his wife and mother of his children to abort a baby conceived when he chose to have unprotected sex, sorry.

Iggi999 · 11/07/2017 19:25

BUT, even if he agreed today to try again it wouldn't stop your current pain Tippytinkle, sadly that will stay with you though it will get easier.
If you need something to hold onto now remember you could have a baby with someone else (I'm sure you won't decide to but it is a possibility)