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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want to trick my husband into having a baby.

86 replies

TippyTinkleTrousers · 10/07/2017 11:10

Please read first I am not going to do this.

I just to say it. I need help. I'm currently sat in the doctors with a big fat waiting line.

We have two children and I got pregnant again because we were careless with contraception. In that we didn't even use any.

DH wanted me to have an abortion but I couldn't do it. I struggled with the idea of being pregnant but after my scan at 13 weeks he was so perfect and cute I really started to come round to the idea.

Then last weekend 14, nearly 15 weeks my I found out that my baby's heart has stopped.
I was induced in hospital and he was a tiny bit perfect little boy.

I'm so depressed. I can't eat or talk or do anything. I just drink and cry.

I want another baby and DH says there's absolutely no way of it happening.

And my stupid fucking irrational brain actually considered somehow tricking him.

I wont please read that I wont.

But fucking hell I feel so fucking depressed and bad I don't even want to breath.

OP posts:
BishopBrennansArse · 10/07/2017 12:09
Flowers

I had that completely primal urge to be pregnant again after a loss, too.
Completely understandable x

Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 10/07/2017 12:14

She gave me a bunch of numbers. She was pretty robotic about the whole thing.

I'm not sure what I was expecting though.

OP posts:
HollywoodStunt · 10/07/2017 12:20

Really sorry to hear what has happened, it certainly is the pits. Just wanted to say I lost a baby at twenty weeks in 2004 and my reaction was a bit like your husband's in that never wanted to risk ever going through anything like that ever again so I get where he's coming from. But nine years later I had another so it may be eventually that your husband comes round, its very early days right now, give it time

RiversrunWoodville · 10/07/2017 12:21

Flowers tippy not that they help I lost twins at a similar gestation and it hurts so much and I remember that feeling of wanting to try for immediately to almost tie that lost baby to you somehow (a really strange emotion I can't express it properly). Wish there was something to say to make it easier for you but just wanted to send very unMNy hugs

whyhastherumgone · 10/07/2017 12:24

Oh OP, I am truly truly sorry and cannot begin to imagine what you've been through or how you feel.
I am so sad for you that you are having to go through this and feel like this - but I just wanted to echo what other people have said and I think seeing the doctor is a really good first step.
If you need to talk about these things and feel like you can't talk as much as you'd like in RL [although it's obviously important to have people in RL too] just remember the community here -I'm glad you posted for support and to get it out, and hope it has helped in a very small way.
Will keep you in my thoughts.

rainbowduck · 10/07/2017 12:25

Sending you big massive enormous hugs. I ended up in therapy over a similar situation, again with a loving supportive husband. There is no compromise, and it always feels as if someone wins and the other loses.

This is all so raw and so new. I am here if you need to chat. Xxxx

OrlandaFuriosa · 10/07/2017 12:27

Really really sorry. And for the robotic response.

Please ring/see someone who will understand, you prob need to talk and cry yourself out to start recovering from bereavement, swoosh hormones, sonething that's entirely logical and possible from your point of view and age but diff from your husband. Too much grief to bear.

Flowers
Brenna24 · 10/07/2017 12:33

Big hugs. I was on your last two threads.

The urge is incredibly strong and primal. Not to replace the child you have just lost but almost to make it less of a thing by getting back to where you were with as small a gap inbetween as possible. Sadly I can tell you after several rounds of this that the next pregnancy is horrendous, misery and anxiety and none of the joy you normally get from a pregnancy. If you are really unlucky and history repeats itself then the ones after are just worse and worse. There is no joy left in being pregnant at all. You would need him on board so much more to get through the next pregnancy. Please try and grieve for this one and get past it before you make any decisions about the future. I have no choice, we have no children yet at all and we will not have a family of our own if I don't keep ploughing through this, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

Morphene · 10/07/2017 12:37

So sorry to hear the baby was lost. I agree with everyone else, don't make big life decisions when you are grieving.

Give yourself some time to come to terms and then reassess.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 10/07/2017 12:42

I'm so sorry for the loss of your darling little boy. So very sorry. Flowers

This is very, very recent and very, very raw. You need right now to concentrate on getting through the next days and weeks and taking care of yourself through the shock and grief. Leave the issue of having another baby aside for that time. When you feel ready, talk to him. You would be entirely within your rights, IMO, to put contraception entirely into his hands (so condoms/vasectomy), as long as he understands this clearly.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 10/07/2017 12:44

And as someone who has had many miscarriages, I agree with Brenna (Flowers to you too) that pregnancy afterwards is, sadly and profoundly unfairly, never the same, even if all goes well.

DistanceCall · 10/07/2017 12:46

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

Please find help - a therapist or a grief counsellor. I'm glad your husband is supporting you, but he's not a professional. You don't have to go through this like this.

Whatsername17 · 10/07/2017 12:52

I agree with Brenna. Subsequent pregnancies after a loss are awful. I can also tell you that another baby doesn't provide a light at the end of the tunnel. I love dd2 more than life itself, but having her didn't heal me. It didnt make things better or easier.

user1495451339 · 10/07/2017 12:53

So sorry for your loss. I do think you need to give this a bit of time but can completely understand how you feel.

BishopBrennansArse · 10/07/2017 12:55

Does your trust have a bereavement midwife? The one I was referred to wasn't great but I'm not judging all by that standard...

dameednatheaverage · 10/07/2017 13:07

OP, I am so sorry for your loss and I totally and utterly understand the primal need for another baby. I have had three losses in the past 18 months and the desperate need to try again is so powerful. It feels almost unbelievable that your baby has gone. Unfortunately my losses have been age-related so it is unlikely I can or will try again, but what this has taught me is that time does help. When your body is still raging with hormones and grief it is almost impossible to think straight.

I do think that counselling can help - perhaps with your partner? It's incredibly difficult if you want another and your partner doesn't - I've been there too. In the end I persuaded my partner that we HAD to try again (and again) and he went along with it, but it did cause a great deal of anxiety. Now there's a lot of resentment and I think we would probably benefit from counselling too.

Good luck and best wishes.

Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 10/07/2017 13:32

I hadn't considered that subsequent pregnancies would be so difficult.

I just wish DH gave me the option rather than a no.

I wouldn't necessarily have the mental strength to try again, but it's the flat out 'no' that I'm finding is making this more painful.

To the PP who said they wanted to tie their baby to them, I completely understand. I was trying to explain this to my friend yesterday. I was my baby in me, I want him in me, I want to be covered by him. My arms are so painfully.

Thank you for your reposes. I'm finding it really helpful to those who have been through the same thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 10/07/2017 13:33

*my arms are so painfully empty

OP posts:
Brenna24 · 10/07/2017 14:55

I know that feeling so, so well. Flowers Nothing fills that space in your arms.

It must be so hard to have a big line drawn right at this point. I hope that you can spend some time healing, then he changes his mind. It must be hard for him to see you feeling as bad as you are right now and he may well be very scared of you ever having to go through it again. Give him some time to heal too.

Whatsername17 · 10/07/2017 15:23

I don't know if this will help - but I had the 'empty arms' feeling. I ordered a 'make your own' teddy bear from Amazon and put my positive pregnancy tests and scan photos inside the bear. It sits by my bed and on my bad days I hug the bear and sob my heart out. It helps.

Whatsername17 · 10/07/2017 15:25

Obviously it's not the same, but just having something physical to hold brings me comfort. I think the hardest part is that you don't have anything tangible.

Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 10/07/2017 16:19

That's so sweet.

I should be getting his ashes back this week because we had him cremated. So I'm going to do something similar I think.

OP posts:
Bluerose27 · 10/07/2017 16:28

Tippy I felt exactly the same way after my MC. It was a physical urge to be pregnant, like I had never felt before. I have no words of advice though, I'm so sorry xxx

Jayfee · 10/07/2017 16:37

Sweetie, it is because of what happened and your hormones. i acccidentally got pregnant with my 3rd and at 3 months i started bleeding and it was dead in uterus. so they put me to sleep and did something to remove the baby. i hadnt wanted a third child as i would have had three children under the age of 4. but after i lost it things changed. i actually used to stick my nails into the condoms during sex in the hope i would get pregnant. but this obsession passed. good luck and sorry you have had such heart break.

Original poster
TippyTinkleTrousers · 10/07/2017 16:57

That's exactly how I feel Jayfee, word for word.

We never planned to have a third child, our family was complete. But I'd have still loved this little one, and now I feel like something is missing.

I'm really grateful for you input just to hear that my reaction to this is normal.

What's also hard is that my emotions are up and down like a yoyo, literally from hour to hour.

OP posts:
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