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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked at how much life's changed for our family this year?

80 replies

Nicpem1982 · 10/07/2017 10:59

i can't believe how much everything's changed this year for our family.

I've looked at an old thread this morning that I posted about Christmas, and I can't believe how everything has changed

My sil died unexpectedly this year and this seems to have acted as a trigger for my bil to want to spend time with us, and although my bil has his moments and can be a bit awkward at times we're working now on building a strong relationship with him and our Dn, where previously the relationship was awful and they'd been nc with pil for a long time and virtually nc with us

We've gone from only seeing them on birthdays and Christmas to now seeing them regularly, dns behaviour has done a u turn and although she needs some support she's becoming easier to deal with and dn and dd are getting on great, I'm really looking forward to the summer holidays as we've got 15 sleep overs booked in with her and loads of really fun things planned (we all did a summer bucket list and mils yesterday) think - picnics, outdoor cinema night and family sports day

We've also just booked our first family holiday for next year and Christmas has been arranged too

I'm feeling really positive at the direction we are going at the min but shocked that everything has changed so fast

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/07/2017 15:30

Today 15:14 Nicpem1982

Donut:

If people are finding this distasteful then that's because they're misunderstanding what the op is about.

It's been a difficult few months for my family and I finally feel as though we've got into a pattern as one family unit but when I thought about it I didn't think that this unit would look like it does now or that things would have moved to this point so quickly.

OP posts:
DonutCone · 10/07/2017 15:31

Yeah, I read it.

I think your post is completely vile.

The poor woman is dead, but hey at least your are getting sleepovers Hmm

DonutCone · 10/07/2017 15:31

Your children are getting sleepovers

Nospringflower · 10/07/2017 15:33

I would agree - even if you didnt mean to it does sound like everything is going great now and no reflection on sister in laws death being a bad thing.

CloserIAmToFine · 10/07/2017 15:35

I have to agree that it sounds like SIL's death has been a wonderful change for your family. Perhaps that's not how you meant it to sound, but perhaps you should reflect a bit on how you are looking at all of this. (If nothing else, it's incredibly distasteful for you to be using the phrase "bucket list" with your DN. I hope she hasn't asked why you are calling it that.)

JeanfromAcquisitionsandMergers · 10/07/2017 15:36

Relieved I'm not the only one who thinks this thread is in poor taste.

4 year old girl loses her mummy but - yay! - OP gets to host 15 sleepovers.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/07/2017 15:36

If you've read my posts and still think it's vile/negative then the problem lies with you donut.

The aftermath of my sils death was horrendous so feeling a little bit positive that we've pulled together as a family isn't vile imo - no one is dancing on her grave

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/07/2017 15:39

Closer - bil named it the bucket list

OP posts:
DonutCone · 10/07/2017 15:41

I think it's absolutely revolting actually.

A child has lost their Mother and your entire OP is about how your life has completely improved, because she is dead. And 'bucket list' with someone who has lost their Mother? Really.

Jesus Christ, you have the self awareness of a rock.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/07/2017 15:47

My bil named it the bucket list and as sil was his wife I'll take my que from him

Once again:

This isn't a post about how my sils passing has improved my life it's about how far our family (me dh dd bil dn mil and fil) have come in the last few months and why I am feeling positive about where we are.

I assume that's clear enough donut?

OP posts:
Playmobilpeacock · 10/07/2017 15:48

I found your original post in extremely bad taste. It reads as if your dn's behaviour and your relationship with bil has improved vastly BECAUSE sil died Confused

Imagine if her friends and family were to read it. You really should have thought it through a bit more.

The impact of her mother's death will impact your dn for the rest of her life but I'm glad you're excited about your summer bucket list.

MargaretCavendish · 10/07/2017 15:50

The thing is, if you were looking back at the time just after she died and saying how much happier and more positive you are now as a family nobody at all would have criticized you. That's not what you did. You compared now to when she was alive and wrote all about how much better now is. And, as someone said, you didn't just list things that are unrelated improvements (like the family holidays) you actually wrote about things are better for you now (and implied that they were also better for your niece, which I think is the most upsetting part) as a direct result of your SIL's death.

DonutCone · 10/07/2017 15:52

Nope. It's about a person who starts a thread about how great their life is, due to someone else dying.

There is not once ounce of compassion in that OP for your SIL. Not one thought to the fact that she is dead and a child has lost their Mother. Only you saying how all these great things are happening thanks to her shuffling off her mortal coil.

Wow. There was almost certainly a reason your were NC before.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/07/2017 15:53

Margret- we didn't have a relationship bef

OP posts:
DonutCone · 10/07/2017 15:56

Honest to God, this is probably the thread which has annoyed me the most in 10 years of MN, and I have read some really shit threads.

FFS the woman is dead. Who the fuck starts a thread about sleepovers and 'family' holidays when a small child has 'suddenly' lost their Mother.

The fact you can't see how gross your OP was says absolutely everything I will ever need to know about you.

PurplePeppers · 10/07/2017 15:57

I didn't read the OP and thought she was delighted at how her dsil death had improved her life.
I read that she was happy to see that the changes it brought were also positives ones, not just negatives.
I read that he is happy to see that her dn is finding her place within the family even though she had little contact before.
I read that she is happy to see her dn looking happier and in some ways settling down.
I also read that the OP has been happy to step in to help even though the relationship with her BIL was fraught to to start with.

And that, reading her thread 6 months ago, she would never have though such a traumatic event could have been FOLLOWED by some positives stuff as well (NOT that the death of her SIL was the CAUSE of the happy event iyswim).
And that it's amazing how things can quickly change. In this case in a good way but it could have been in a bad way I imagine.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/07/2017 15:57

Before she passed away we only saw them at Xmas and bdays this is a post about the last few months

Donut

I'm not going to engage with you any further as clearly you are hell bent on making me into a deamon

if you look at my previous threads you may understand the complexities of mine and my bil/sil relationship

OP posts:
DonutCone · 10/07/2017 15:59

Also if you only saw them twice a year, how the fuck do you think you are in a position to judge the 'U turn' in the child's behaviour?

I mean, props to your SIL for dying as it seems you won't even need a time out corner at your sleepovers now.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/07/2017 15:59

Purple - you've summed it up thank you

OP posts:
PurplePeppers · 10/07/2017 16:01

For those saying it's awful to speak about sleepovers when a small child has lost their mum.

What would you like the OP to do?
I imagine that finding pockets of nice time with family is the best thing that title girl can get. As well as family support.
That's what the sleepovers are about and the bucket list etc... just letting that child be a child even though she has lost her mum.
What e,se are you suppose to do when a child has lost their mum??

Serious question because in that case, I know I would spend a lot of time ensuring that they can still be children, that they feel,over, that they have plenty of people supporting them. That they aren't in their own.
I wouldn't expect anyone to replace their mum but to just be there to support both the child and the surviving parent.
Which is what I understood the OP is doing?

AppleAndBlackberry · 10/07/2017 16:06

I think OP is probably posting for people who read her previous threads, this makes a lot more sense if you know the backstory. (I think this is the DN who was breaking DDs toys and BIL who was insisting on you having DN for sleepovers or no relationship at all?)

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/07/2017 16:09

Apple yes it is

OP posts:
SaveMeBarry · 10/07/2017 16:19

nicpem I'm sure you didn't intend this to come across as it has to many of us but most wont actually know the back story and so I have to admit that to me it seemed in poor taste. I think if understanding a thread is dependent on knowing the background then you either give details in the OP or link to a previous thread. I would probably look to get this one pulled.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/07/2017 16:27

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2851020-To-completely-ignore-this-massive-hint

This is part of the back story

OP posts:
peachgreen · 10/07/2017 16:29

I don't get how knowing the backstory changes the tone of this post to be honest. It's still 'everything is better now SIL is dead'.