AIBU to want to continue to work part time once re-married

[TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville]

Long back story, please be patient!

I am divorced, with two children, aged 14 and 11. Youngest starts high school in September.

I was a stay at home mum once my eldest was born, (worked full-time up until then) up until ex husband left me 4 years ago when I have been working part time since. I have worked in a few jobs in the last four years, have tried to work around the kids as much as possible, for around 16-21 hours a week.

I am currently working part time and also doing some online training with the view that I can get a better paid job after the summer.

I have been very lucky to have met and fallen in love with a wonderful man, also divorced. He is amazing in many ways, kind, good with my children, great fun and gorgeous. He asked me to marry him earlier this year and I was delighted. We plan for him to move into my house around November / December this year, and will get married at some point next year.

Now..the question of finances has come up and DP had assumed that when my youngest starts high school that I would then get a full time job to maximise my financial contributions to the 'pot'. I don't want to.

My ex is a high earner and I get a considerable amount of maintenance from him, in line with CSA guidelines. On top of this I had envisaged working part time, 3 days a week. My total contribution to the 'pot' would be a not insignificant £2000+ per month, net. On top of this I own the house that myself and new DP would be living in. There is a mortgage on the property, but not excessive.

DP came away from his divorce with nothing other than he kept his pension - all equity went to the ex wife. He has saved a sum of money and could in theory use that as a deposit and buy his own house (and so put off us living together for a number of years) but his mortgage would be huge - likely double what mine is. On top of that we would have two sets of bills etc between us. I have done the maths, produced spreadsheets and we would BOTH be considerably better off financially living together in my house with me working 3 days a week as I planned to. Plus we could afford to make overpayments on the mortgage with a view that we could pay it off much earlier.

I manage comfortably right now on what I get from my ex and my earnings. I can pay my mortgage, car, bills, kids clothes / clubs and still have money over for a modest holiday once or twice a year. I am not well off but want for nothing.

My children are getting older BUT they are still kids. They bicker a lot at times. My eldest has a serious medical condition which she manages brilliantly for the most part, but I have often had to leave work to do an emergency dash to her school to drop off supplies etc that she has forgotten. Or to pick her up if she is having a shit day with it. She is 14 and makes mistakes, like any kid.

Their Dad is great, but works in a demanding job and is often away travelling. I have no family to help with childcare, ex's family live abroad. My friends all work part time and are in the same boat. In short, I do all the day to day childcare / running around / taking to and from clubs/ looking after when they are poorly etc. If I worked full time I would have to leave both children alone for many days at a time in the school holidays (their high school is a state school but has longer days and therefore longer holidays - summer holidays are 8 weeks long!)

My new partner was badly burned by his ex-wife who spent lots and earned nothing, and then again by his divorce which saw him having to start all over again financially. From his perspective he doesn't want history to repeat itself - he earns a very good salary and would like me to maximise my earnings. But we could have a very nice, comfortable life with my working 3 days a week. I see this as a good compromise, with the view that of course I will increase my working hours as the kids get older and can be left for longer.

As an aside - it goes without saying that if I HAD to work full time to bolster the family coffers then I would - if something happened to him or his work. I just don't get that I should just for the sake of having more disposable income when we would already have a great standard of living (in my opinion). I'm not particularly materialistic. New partner is more so.

AIBU and lazy cow?

I agree with crocodilesoup and rizlett. working full time/part time isn't just about money. It offers a better work/life balance for many families, and, in my experience, teenagers need you more than small children. Their needs tend to be more emotional than physical, and when things are tough they often want their mum rather than any old care giver.

Why do you need to move in together at all?

Went well.

We agreed that I will work around 3 days a week. He gets my reasons, and I have said that I will work FT in a couple of years.

The equity in the house will be protected before he moves in with a DOT, he is happy to sign - no issues.

He doesn't quite have enough to buy something separately as a BTL investment yet, but may well do this in the future. I think this is a good thing as other posters have said, he can then build up his own equity after losing everything in terms of liquid assets in the divorce.

I do need to take advice on whether the DOT stands after marriage, or whether marriage undermines it? However, he is not on the mortgage and therefore not on the deeds so would hope he would have no legal claim, but I will find out from a solicitor.

Thank you all.

Twatty

There is no point in making money for the sake of it. At some point the work life balance becomes more important.

LoniceraJaponica

Yes - I am finding that too, especially with my daughter who is 14.

She does seem to need me around more in an emotionally supportive way and I want to have the time and energy for that. Lots going on in her life with school, options, friendships, activities etc etc. Plus her medical needs which she needs support with.

I was talking all of this through with one of my best friends who's parents marriage ended when she and her brother were similar ages to mine. Her mum had to go back to work FT, no choice, and she said it was during these years that they both went off the rails a bit - theirs became the house that everyone piled back to after school to smoke and experiment with alcohol etc.

I'm not saying this happens all the time, but my friend definitely felt she could have done with her mum around more during those years.

I am happy with 3 days a week and think it is the right balance for me and the kids, for the time being.

HipsterHunter we don't NEED to move in together but we both want to, and the children really want him to as well. Why does anyone live together or get married? I love being with him and life is better when he is around. He is very good for us all. We have life plans that include travelling when the kids have left home and retiring at a decent age and easier and quicker to get there if we have one set of bills to pay. As long as I protect my assets (and I absolutely will) then I don't feel there is anything to lose.

Twatty

I would never re-marry. My DC would have too much to lose. No matter how wonderful the person I'm afraid I wouldn't be up for sharing what DH and I have spent 20+ years building up. Relationship probably, marriage definitely not. I wouldn't even bother living together.
Trust issues and financial mess would put me off altogether.

Sounds like he is possibly worried about his income being eroded by having to support your teenagers from "the pot" as you call it. He sees them as your financial responsibility so wants you to earn to the max.
I think YANBU. However, you need to thrash this out.

Twatty, you could consider registering your interest in the house as tenants in common rather than joint tenants which is a good and enforceable way of defining a share of property e.g. You own 75% he has 25%. It would be worth talking it all through with a solicitor who does property and trusts work.

When her bf moved in to her house a friend of mine had a legal arrangement whereby over time, paying the mortgage and bills he 'bought' into the property so it ended up being equally theirs. They've been married now for 15 years.

Does it have to be a BTL necessarily? I understand the attachment to bricks and mortar, but the tax implications for mortgaged BTL properties have just become much less advantageous. If I were him I'd get advice on the best 'home' for his money. If that's a property, fair enough.

I know that's not what you're asking but just thought worth mentioning.

My children are also 14 & 11 with the youngest starting secondary in September.
I've worked part time since they were born, varying between 20 to 25 hours.
My 1st husband left when they were 5 & 2 and pays CM which contributes but isn't the major part of my income.
I'm currently on 20 hours following a leave of absence and phased return to work due to my late-DH's cancer diagnosis, decline and death, at the moment that's enough for me but I may go back up to 25 in the future.
I've been of the opinion ever since I went part time that unless I need to financially I won't be going full time again.
Partly that's about bing around for the kids and partly it's because I don't want to.
I don't need to justify that to anyone.

Do the spreadsheets make clear what he is expected to spend money on in terms of his contributions to household expenses and conversely what is not his responsibility e.g. the kids cause they are getting a fair chunk from contributions from elsewhere.

It sounds like a communication issue and more talking will help. I think he got burned by his ex and wants to have a fairer financial split in future.

so would hope he would have no legal claim, but I will find out from a solicitor.

I would encourage you to have a very detailed conversation with a solicitor, based on your own situation both as a couple living together and as a married couple. The law is really very, very different on e you are married. The intention under marriage, is to provide cover for the less well off partner, on the assumption that they will have earned less because of caring for children.

Getting married to someone with less capital than you will have an impact in the case of divorce. It is not so simple as agreeing that you each take from the marriage what you brought to it. There are some ways to circumvent this, but none of them are really bombproof. You will know that the situation on divorce can be complicated, but because , as it sounds, your divorce was reasonably straightforward, you may not have internalised quite how difficult a partner, especially on who is entirely focused on money, can make the agreement of a financial settlement and hence quite how much you might find yourself 'giving away' just in order to get the agreement approved.

A solicitor will help you to understand what might happen, dispassionately, and help you to understand a good way forward. Its not easy when you are appreciating all his good points and he is agreeing with whatever you want. Its could be a very different scenario, in the event that one of you decided to end any marriage.

If MN is good at one thing, it is showing all the ways these things can go badly, which helps inform us all

YY. With marriage, if you're in England and Wales anyway, it's not as simple as one partner signing away rights beforehand. This is why prenups aren't necessarily legally binding. With marriage, you're entering into a legal contract that has certain parameters and you cannot assume you will get to decide which of those you want and which you don't.

YANBU- you sound like you have your sh*t together and I respect that. He's been burned and I understand why he's anxious but if this is how you want to you love your life, you should do it. Not sure if there's a compromise to be had but worth discussing with him to see if there is x

Cut off there! ... was going to say that this is why I also wouldn't be making any plans re marriage until you've all lived together for a while and got a feel for how it's going.

Don't put any timeframe on you working FT otherwise he may set his heart on that and you may well find it doesn't suit. Getting DC through the last years of school is very hard work.

You have a situation that is working and he can slot into that and benefit greatly so, IMO, doesn't get to dictate your lifestyle. Many women never go back FT and their partners support this for various reasons. Those who do need either partners who truly do share the housework etc or the finances to pay for the help.

Apologies, in a rush and not read entire thread. Just make sure that your maintenance arrangements from ex h carry on after re-marriage as they are a significant part of your plans and I think I've read that some maintenance stops.

Apart from that life is too short to do things you don't want to do. And a man that puts pressure on you in this way is maybe not a good life partner.

Why did you agree to work FT in a couple of years? Your children's needs won't have changed in that time.
That could cause trouble in the not-so-distant future. He seems to be still putting pressure on you and isn't likely to change.

If you get spousal maintenance, won't that stop if you get married again?

OP has said the spousal maintenance would stop but she'll still have child maintenance, I think.

Agree it may not have been the best idea to put a timeframe on the PT work. Your partner could now quite reasonably be planning for that, and have a legitimate gripe if you decide not to do it, in a way that he doesn't at all now. I'd say you'll be doing it for as long as you deem appropriate.

Another one here saying don't put a time frame on PT work. Say you'll review it as and when required. It's almost as if gaining a partner comes with consequences, when it should enhance both of your lives, and not just financially.

You must know him quite well after 4 years so you can trust what you know of him, but maybe you are feeling a little insecure with this new development i.e. an expectation of you to go FT, hence your post here on MN. I would feel the same. I wouldn't want the arrangement to come with conditions.

He could look at it another way and get the best of both worlds by you working PT and keeping the home ticking over so that you can both enjoy weekends together?

I think you'd be daft to marry this man.

Please get legal advice as to whether the DOT would be binding after marriage.

I currently get spousal and child maintenance. Child maintenance is the bulk, I will still get that even if I marry.

Spousal stops after 6 months cohabiting.