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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To question my babies name

55 replies

Christinedonna · 09/07/2017 23:19

Il try and keep it short and sweet even though I could go on for days! I have a 10mo DD, she has her dads surname. Me and him were together up until a few weeks ago when I found out I was pregnant, as I wouldn't have an abortion like I told me to he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I've had a scan for this pregnancy, told him about it and he didn't ask how it went, If he could come, nothing- showed no interest. He has made it clear how much he doesn't want this baby. I'm only 7 weeks so I know it's early days and he could change his mind but as it stands, I have one child with his surname and am very confused as to what I should do about this baby's name. I don't particularly want it having his name if he doesn't care about it/want to see it but then I don't want my children having different surnames! WWYD?

OP posts:
WomblingThree · 09/07/2017 23:23

I think at this stage, it's a bit early to start worrying about it. You can call the baby your name, call it his name, change your other child's name to your name, or call all three of you something else entirely.

I think with a ten month old and a new pregnancy, you are going to have more important issues on your mind.

raspberrysuicide · 09/07/2017 23:23

My sister gave her maiden name to her daughter, the father wasn't involved at all.

Original poster
Christinedonna · 09/07/2017 23:26

I know it's ages off, I should just chill I know as I'm already a high risk pregnancy and have so much stress going on ATM anyway but it's just another worry and niggle in my mind

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 09/07/2017 23:28

I'd give new baby (massive congratulations by the way!) your name, and change your daughters surname to yours.

Original poster
Christinedonna · 09/07/2017 23:31

How do you go about changing children's names? Don't I need a very good reason/his consent? (I know he doesn't give a shit about her, at the moment he's just sticking around and seeing her to spite me& enjoys that I hate being away from her)

OP posts:
Original poster
Christinedonna · 09/07/2017 23:32

Posted too early, so I know he would fight me every step of the way and flip at the suggestion of changing her name. Not because he cares but because he wants one over on me

OP posts:
Patriciathestripper1 · 09/07/2017 23:35

Just go to the solicitor and get them to do a change of name deed. Take about 5 mins and is completely legal for passports, driving licences, banks etc.
You can call yourself and your children anything you want and you don't need his permission for it.

Spudthecat · 09/07/2017 23:38

I'm pretty sure you do need permission?! (As I have had the same issue) but call this new baby your name regardless, that's what I done with mine so dd has exes surname but ds has mine, it's annoying and I would like to change it but as he is on the bc I was told I need his permission

Aquathest · 09/07/2017 23:40

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

Does your XP have PR? If he does, you need his consent to officially change DDs surname. If you are not married, XP will automatically have PR if he is named on your DDs birth certificate.

Original poster
Christinedonna · 09/07/2017 23:44

Thank you auqathest and jillsandwich
We're not married thank god and he is on her birth certificate so I assume that's a yes. I honestly think he'll have given up seeing her in a matter of months which makes it even more annoying that he has that privilege or her having his name.

OP posts:
indigox · 09/07/2017 23:47

Give the new baby your surname, use "known as" for DD, it doesn't sound like he's going to stick around so if he stops contact/maintenance etc. you'll be able to officially change her name with a court order.

GreenTulips · 09/07/2017 23:52

You can apply to the courts who will decide if the bond can be broken - quality of relationship etc will be taken into account

Start keeping records of dates times etc and any contact emails text as evidence

Spudthecat · 09/07/2017 23:57

Courts are unlikely to agree to an name change unless there is a very serious reason why it's needed (like to protect the child) I've already looked into all this, as even if he is absent they still want the child to have a connection to the father, courts would only agree to double barreling

Original poster
Christinedonna · 10/07/2017 00:01

Today is the second time he's had her without me. He arrived and returned her late. He no longer asks how she is or shows any concern for her. She's with him for three hours and he only changes her nappy once (i know because he has no stuff for her at his and I always put 5 nappies in her bag and she has been coming back with 4). Today he brought her back and she'd had a few ounces of a bottle and no food in 3 hours..because he hasn't bothered getting her a highchair so she doesn't sit down to be fed. Went in a brand new white outfit, came back with it ruined as he'd put sun cream on her (that I'd provided) and wiped his creamy hand on her clothes after leaving it yellow and stained. The list goes on. He lives with his mum and she does everything for her while he'll sit on his PlayStation/texting new females he's trying to bed

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 10/07/2017 00:06

One nappy change is fine in 3 hours no issue there.

How do you know he has nothing for her at his house?

How do you know she hadn't had food?

To be honest I think your smarting from the break up.

DerelictWreck · 10/07/2017 00:11

You can call yourself and your children anything you want and you don't need his permission for it.

Ignore this - You absolutely do need his permission to change her name as he is on the birth certificate and therefore has parental responsibility, sorry OP

Original poster
Christinedonna · 10/07/2017 00:17

He texts me "just changing her nappy and leaving" so she literally goes 2hrs 45 mins with the same nappy on (if it was one nappy change half way through the visit that'd be different) but she's got nappy rash from being left with a wet bum hopefully it's just a wet bum
I took all our stuff when I left and he's made it clear he has nothing there. He's said "oh il need to get a highchair and il look into getting a cot" he doesn't even know what size nappies and clothes she wears that's how little interest he's paid to her.
I sent her there with two bottles and a jar of food, bibs and spoon. He brought her back and said "she's had a little bit of one of the bottles but didn't eat anything as I still don't have a high chair and she would sit still to eat"
I don't know what smarting means but if it's along the lines of pissed off, angry, upset or hurt then yes I most definitely am. i supported him through job worries, his dad dying, him cheating on me, treating me like shit, having no time for our daughter and then was told "if you don't have an abortion I don't know about us anymore" I wouldn't so he said he saw no other option but me leaving. Yes I'm a mug for sticking with him after just half the stuff he done but that's what love does to someone. Not once since me leaving has he asked if I'm okay, In the first week or so I wanted to be with DD when he saw her so she knew consistency and he spoke not one word to me in the hours we spent together with DD. I'm very hurt, I'm pregnant and alone and struggling to keep my job as I scrape child care together for our daughter every week and he doesn't even have the decency to ask how she is. I tell him a time to bring her back and says "let me know if you want her back sooner" doesn't give a shit.

OP posts:
Patriciathestripper1 · 10/07/2017 00:28

derelictyou don't need permission. She isn't changing the birth certificate, just that from today the child shall be known as x.
I had it done recently as I am in the same position. It is legal. The school, passport office and bank all accepted it.
Op can also just double barrel the surname with her maiden name added.
Don't tell me it's not fucking legal when a solicitor had just done this for me and all relevant agencies have accepted it.

Aquathest · 10/07/2017 00:44

Patricia - I have the same understanding of changing a child under 16s name as Derelict, so it is interesting to hear you have had a different experience.
Did your solicitor enrol your DC deed polls with the courts in England?

Lemonnaise · 10/07/2017 00:46

I changed my DDs name without seeing a solicitor. Legally she still has her fathers name but she's registered everywhere under my surname. School, doctors, hospital. No-one questioned me on this or said I needed his permission.

Aquathest · 10/07/2017 00:47

Christinedonna sounds like you have bigger things to worry about than the surnames of your DD and baby atm.

Does XP provide financially for your DD?
If not I would suggest you look into making formal arrangements regarding child maintenance and regular access him to see your DD as your priority.

He may prove you right regarding not seeing your DD in the future but first you should try and exhaust every possible avenue for your DD to have a relationship with XP. Hopefully he will take responsibility for both of the lives he helped create.

Original poster
Christinedonna · 10/07/2017 00:50

He does pay for her.. because he earns far more than he knows what to do with and done it to shut me up. Really felt like he was just paying me off. I told him how much he needed to give me, he tried to correct me with a smaller amount but in the end said "If that's how much you want that's fine" so noble

OP posts:
Original poster
Christinedonna · 10/07/2017 00:51

He has two days off a week and has her for three hours each of those days.. that's more than fair of me isn't it?

OP posts:
Patriciathestripper1 · 10/07/2017 00:58

aqua. I had a simple change of name deed done. No deed poll or court. The change of name deed is accepted by school, passport office, bank and NI number. And you do not need his permission.
Or the op can just double barrel her dc surname and register the baby with a double barrel surname and leave him off as the father.

SpareASquare · 10/07/2017 01:20

None of what he did or didn't do in those three hours sounds that bad to me.
You chose to have children with this man, he was good enough to be a father when it went your way but all of a sudden he isn't? That's spite and, whilst I understand and sympathise with your hurt (been there, also pregnant) using your child/children in this way is never in the best interests of the child.
You are strong and you don't need to play games. It is a hard lesson to learn but you HAVE to separate his not wanting you from the relationship with his child/children.

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