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AIBU?

To question my babies name

55 replies

Christinedonna · 09/07/2017 23:19

Il try and keep it short and sweet even though I could go on for days! I have a 10mo DD, she has her dads surname. Me and him were together up until a few weeks ago when I found out I was pregnant, as I wouldn't have an abortion like I told me to he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I've had a scan for this pregnancy, told him about it and he didn't ask how it went, If he could come, nothing- showed no interest. He has made it clear how much he doesn't want this baby. I'm only 7 weeks so I know it's early days and he could change his mind but as it stands, I have one child with his surname and am very confused as to what I should do about this baby's name. I don't particularly want it having his name if he doesn't care about it/want to see it but then I don't want my children having different surnames! WWYD?

OP posts:
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Dibbles1967 · 10/07/2017 01:22

I changed my DD surname by Deed Poll when she was about 3. From that moment on she was known as "Smith" instead of Jones, Doctors, School, Dentist etc etc.

When it came to getting her a passport, (about 7 at this time) sent off the paperwork, birth certificate & Deed Poll, but the Passport Office would not accept it, without a letter of consent from her father, as named on the birth certificate. Because he sodded off without a trace, she was unable to get a passport in her chosen name until she was 16. She's 22 now, so obviously it was sometime ago. Have the relaxed the rules on this?

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tararabumdeay · 10/07/2017 01:40

I was an idiot and gave my first born all the names under the sun on the birth certificate. It's all got sorted with not so much hassle.

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Patriciathestripper1 · 10/07/2017 01:41

spare have you read op's post?
He left her because she wouldn't abort the baby he helped to make! His is a dispicable cunt. Otherwise he would be supporting the life he created. He dosnt want to be a father to his child, that is shy he had left

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SpareASquare · 10/07/2017 03:59

Sure I read the post and I agree that he's a cunt. Still doesn't matter WHY he left. As long as he pays (and he is) and wants to spend time with the CHILD that's all he needs to do. The OP can want to punish him all she likes but actually using the chld/ren to do so would make her just as bad.

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user1469914265 · 10/07/2017 06:39

Why would you get knocked up though?

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Brittbugs80 · 10/07/2017 07:48

go to the solicitor and get them to do a change of name deed. Take about 5 mins and is completely legal for passports, driving licences, banks etc.
You can call yourself and your children anything you want and you don't need his permission for it.

Wrong. You need permission from the Father, especially as he is named on birth certificate and has PR. Because Courts prefer there to be a link to the paternal family and for children to know where they came from, the minimum change will be a double barrel.

She could use her own name and partners name as the full name and this is how it will be on official documents ( nursery and school forms, exam papers, doctors/medical records, passport, driving licence and bank cards) but you can request a preferred name for nursery and school etc.

We changed my child's name from Pea to Pea-Soup last year. Official stuff it's listed as Pea-Soup but at school and for certificates and cubs etc he is known as Soup.

And this is with a Dad who has been no contact for 3 years and gave permission for the change and has also given permission for my DH to obtain PR.

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Brittbugs80 · 10/07/2017 07:57

Don't tell me it's not fucking legal when a solicitor had just done this for me and all relevant agencies have accepted it.

It's not fucking legal. We've had it done a year ago and it wasn't a five minute job either.

If Dad is on BC, he has PR. If it was after a certain year (forget which) he automatically has PR.

If he is no contact and you have tried reasonable efforts to get hold of him then you can apply to the Court who will decide what's in best interests, usually a double barrel to maintain a family link.

If he objects and refuses, again it can be progressed to Court and decided.

If he permits, then it doesn't go to Court but the Solicitor can then proceed to draw up change of name Deed.

You certainly can't walk into a Solicitors and get it done in five fucking minutes.

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Brittbugs80 · 10/07/2017 07:59

I changed my DDs name without seeing a solicitor. Legally she still has her fathers name but she's registered everywhere under my surname. School, doctors, hospital. No-one questioned me on this or said I needed his permission.

She can have a known as name but official documents would have to have the name on her birth certificate, passport, school exam papers, driving licence, bank account etc.

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Brittbugs80 · 10/07/2017 08:05

Google "changing a child's surname".

It gives you everything you need to know under the first link which is the Deed Poll site.

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WomblingThree · 10/07/2017 08:14

You can call yourself or your child any name you like. You tell people "from now on Me and Mini-Me will be known as Smith instead of Jones". You don't need permission if any kind for this. This is fact, not something people have pulled out of their arse.

From the CAB: Changing your name. There's no legal way to change your name - you simply start using a new name. However, if you want to use your new name on documents like passports and driving licences, you'll need to get evidence of your new name. The best way to do this is by making a deed poll.

As above, a deed poll is simply evidence of the new name. A child who doesn't need a driving license/passport whatever, doesn't need a deed poll.

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Imamouseduh · 10/07/2017 08:37

I would say don't make any decisions now because you are clearly hurt after the break up. He is paying for his child and seeing her yet he is still doing everything wrong at this point according to you. I'm sure there are many women whose ex-partners do neither of the above and would love to have so much to complain about.

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cherryontopp · 10/07/2017 08:45

'How do you go about changing children's names? Don't I need a very good reason/his consent? (I know he doesn't give a shit about her, at the moment he's just sticking around and seeing her to spite me& enjoys that I hate being away from her)'

If you knew he didn't give a shit about your daughter, how could you allow yourself to get pregnant with this twat again?

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JassyRadlett · 10/07/2017 09:23

If you knew he didn't give a shit about your daughter, how could you allow yourself to get pregnant with this twat again?

What a helpful and constructive contribution. Hmm

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cherryontopp · 10/07/2017 09:31

Jassy- I'm just asking. If I knew my partner had no interest in his existing child with me, I'd make a hell of a lot precautions so i didn't have another one with him.

As for the child's name, I'd have both children under your name.

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Patriciathestripper1 · 10/07/2017 09:39

Exactly womble,
But if you get s change to name deed from a solicitor which stated 'from this day forward pat will be known as chas. it is accepted by the passport office etc.
When I first applied for Dd passport I sent off all her documents - birth certificate. Change of nanedeed etc. And the issued her passport in her (my) maiden name.
As long as there is a paper trail to the birth cert it is legal.
And I didn't need the fathers oetmisdion either.
Legally (on her birth certificate). her surname will always be pat but everywhere else on all her documents she is chas.
for everyone who is saying you can't do it well I have and she is now chas at school, on her passport, with the bank etc.
And yes it is legal or None of the government offices accept it. anywhere would they?

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Brittbugs80 · 10/07/2017 09:47

And I didn't need the fathers oetmisdion either.
Legally (on her birth certificate). her surname will always be pat but everywhere else on all her documents she is chas.
for everyone who is saying you can't do it well I have and she is now chas at school, on her passport, with the bank etc.
And yes it is legal or None of the government offices accept it. anywhere would they?

How did you bypass the permission part? We were told no it's a legal requirement?

Is her Dad dead?
Was she born before 2003?
If he's alive did he have PR?

I'm baffled how you bypassed it? I've even gone to the extent of phoning my friend whose a Family Solicitor and she said no, Father's permission is needed and that a name change isn't drawn up and signed in 5 minutes.

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BertAndKhloe · 10/07/2017 09:49

You were a bit silly to get pregnant again but that's done now.
I've known loads of children who their names on their school books ect aren't the same as what they are on the school register. It's more common than you think.
None of us know your ex but judging feel what your saying he could be a lot worse.

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PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 10/07/2017 09:52

Give the baby your name and keep current dd with his name.
My friend had her surname changed at a young age and most official documents will ask to list all previous names so it'll always be there that she once has xx surname and now has xxx surname

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Brittbugs80 · 10/07/2017 09:53

Just checked paperwork. We started name change August 2016. Name change deed was completed 2nd Feb this year.

And Change of Name Deed doesn't contain the words/sentence "from this day forward".

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Lostinaseaofbubbles · 10/07/2017 09:55

How often do you change her nappy OP? Once every 3h sounds fine to me - it's what I've always aimed for with my 3. Do you really expect 5 nappy changes in 3 hours? Isn't that one every 35 minutes? Surely that would give her nappy rash if you use wipes each time, would generate a load of unnecessary waste (assuming you use disposables) and how on earth do you get anything done.

I can understand getting upset if there's one nappy change first thing in the morning and one at bedtime and nothing in between. But he's actually changing her nappy after less than 3 hours which is great.

A few ounces of milk is also fine in 3 hours at 10 months unless he has her over one of her usual mealtimes.

I get that you're upset but the nappy/feeding stuff all sound perfectly fine.

If she's getting nappy rash and you're changing her nappy every couple/few hours it sounds to me like you need to consider trying a barrier cream or a different type of nappy and/or wipes.

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MrsEricBana · 10/07/2017 09:58

If it were me I'd give new baby my surname, add my surname to dd1 name so if you are Smith, dd1 is
Smith-Ex'surname and new baby is Smith. May be easier than getting him to agree to total name change for dd1. My friend did this.

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Lostinaseaofbubbles · 10/07/2017 09:59

Oh and send her in crappy clothes if he doesn't look after them like you would. I send my kids to nursery in whatever was cheapest in the Asda sale and then I don't care if they get it covered in suncream/paint/food. They get to enjoy themselves and I get to keep my favourites of their clothes in nice condition so if I take photos of them when they are with me they look nice and their clothes aren't all wrecked.

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Decaffstilltastesweird · 10/07/2017 10:16

He doesn't exactly sound like a prince, no, but the nappy changing, feeding and payment of child support sound ok.

I bet you're seething with him op and who could blame you? But I actually wouldn't rush into doing anything re the name right now. I think you'll have a lot on your plate with dc2, your 10mo and also figuring out how to co-parent with your ex.

I know you now say he won't be in their lives, as he "doesn't give a shit" about them.

Leaving because you wouldn't have an abortion does make him sound pretty diabolical, but could it not be that he wanted out of the relationship with you anyway and that's why he was adamant he didn't want another dc? That sort of makes sense, although nobody has the right to tell you to terminate a pregnancy.

He may still want a good relationship with your dc together and he sounds like he's doing that (unless I'm missing something).

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Christinedonna · 10/07/2017 11:05

Just read through all your responses and thank you everyone who adviced rather than judged. Cant name everyone but just wanted to set a few things straight. I am in no way punishing my child, I can't stand her dad and I'm civil and nice to him in front of her, make her available when he drops on me in the morning of the day he wants to see her without any arranging or communication from him. I want her to see him hence me not once making it difficult.
I put 5 nappies in her bag and have done since she was a newborn because I'd rather have too many than not enough, that doesn't mean I expect 5 nappy changes but I would hope for more than one just before he brings her back. I would say only a few ounces of milk wasn't enough as he had her for breakfast, brought her back saying she'd need to nap (being in the car knocks he out) so the first proper meal she has is lunch at 12-1oclock? Not okay in my books. I didn't plan on getting pregnant with his baby, we hadn't been near each other in months and months so I came off contraception, it then happened once and that's all it took. I came on here asking for advice not judgment.

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Decaffstilltastesweird · 10/07/2017 11:16

Op, you could ask mnhq ro move this to the relationships section maybe?

Imo, AIBU is more judgemental than other sections of MN. I think it's because you're asking "am I being unreasonable"? People feel compelled to answer that and it isn't always terribly kind or sensitive!

Flowers for you. It sounds like a rough time you're having.

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