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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moral dilemma?

52 replies

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 09/07/2017 22:44

More of a wwyd I suppose, we have some friends who we have become very close to over the months see each other a lot, they are like family I suppose a couple and their older child.
Anyway it has just come out that years ago the bloke pulled a knife on my brother who was basically a child at the time him being a few years older so an adult.

I'm really shocked and upset by it obviously as this person is always at my house and around my kids and you wouldn't think he would have been like that at all. Anyway I think I know what we have to do as I have loyalties I just wish I'd known from the start.
Also I'm not sure his partner knows it is something he's done so can't even talk to her about it. Really don't know what to do.
My partner said he won't have anything to do with him but he is gutted as it's his best friend and they work together as well, plus I don't want to lose his partner as a friend, but I feel if it had been someone he had done it to and not just because it's my brother I would still feel the same.

This is just such an awkward horrible situation how would you feel?

OP posts:
TeaBelle · 09/07/2017 22:47

I would chat to the bloke and find his views now. I'm not saying it's okay but if for instance he did that whilst using drugs and had now been clean for some time I wouldn't necessarily see it as a current concern

BarbarianMum · 09/07/2017 22:54

What does your brother say about it?

Original poster
LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 09/07/2017 22:56

Brother basically wanted me to know what he did, and his opinion is he is a twat.

OP posts:
Original poster
LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 09/07/2017 22:58

They haven't met since thankfully..he only found out who he was through him sending his details to brothers partner for something.

OP posts:
Original poster
LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 09/07/2017 22:59

And my partner doesn't want to have it out with him as he isn't good at things like that.

OP posts:
Squishedstrawberry4 · 09/07/2017 23:00

How old were they both at the time?

Original poster
LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 09/07/2017 23:04

Brother was around 14 he was 18/19 unprovoked he pulled a knife because he wanted a fag.

OP posts:
Sparklepants · 09/07/2017 23:04

Do you know the whole story? All sounds a bit odd to me.

Original poster
LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 09/07/2017 23:06

Not sure what you mean sparkle? That is the story my mum has also told me as she rang the police at the time.

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AtSea1979 · 09/07/2017 23:11

When you say pulled a knife what do you mean? As in threatened him? Where does the cigarette fit in? It isn't clear to me from your post. No one should be carrying a knife around but do you know the full circumstances and how long ago was it?

BusterTheBulldog · 09/07/2017 23:11

How long ago? Not excusing it at all, but life can drastically change. Could be guy regrets / is mortified by it now (as would hope!). I'm with your brother on his reaction, but I think you should speak to the other guy also,

MadMags · 09/07/2017 23:12

How old is he now?

Squishedstrawberry4 · 09/07/2017 23:12

How many years ago exactly?

Be honest!

I'd sit down with the couple together and say that you feel you're in a very difficult spot as your brother said friend had pulled a knife on him when younger. And you value them deeply as friends and feel heart broken. You struggle to get your head round what happened and don't know how to move forward from here.

If they were very young at the time or it was a long time ago he may have changed? If he has changed, he might want to apologise (in email?) to your brother? And as long as he is a good man now and he does the right things, I'd forgive him. He might deserve a second chance? Possibly?

Squishedstrawberry4 · 09/07/2017 23:13

How many years ago?

You also need your friends side of the story because it could be different?

Original poster
LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 09/07/2017 23:15

Pulled a knife as in threatened him yes, brother was cycling home and he threatened with a knife demanding a fag.

I was going to speak to his partner but she probably doesn't know he's even done anything like that so might cause a whole new load of shit.

Yes people can change and it was about 15 years+ ago but you have to have a certain mentality to start with to even carry a knife not just threaten with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 09/07/2017 23:16

It wouldn't be a different story..I know that for a fact.

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Original poster
LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 09/07/2017 23:18

The person is 36 now.

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dotdotdotmustdash · 09/07/2017 23:19

I would drop them and tell them why. No moral dilemma there, the man has been a violent thug, not just as a child, but as an adult.

Neolara · 09/07/2017 23:24

It was nearly 20 years ago.. I don't think you have to drop them. I think you need to have a conversation and acknowledge what happened.and how shocked you are. Lots of people do very twatty things when they are 18/19. By their 40's, most people are much calmer.

Slimthistime · 09/07/2017 23:25

Id drop them
He threatened your brother with a knife FFS.

buckeejit · 09/07/2017 23:28

I'd talk to them both together & be honest that feel more than a little uncomfortable

AtSea1979 · 09/07/2017 23:33

Ah I thought you were over reacting until I read the drip. Now he's def a violent bully, or was. I would be honest with him and see what he says. If he's very remorseful I'd be inclined to let it go.

SumThucker · 09/07/2017 23:33

Hmm... There is the passage of time but I'd have him down as a bit of a loose cannon to be honest, carrying a knife for any purpose is wrong.

Original poster
LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 09/07/2017 23:39

I know and we are nothing like that..everyone makes mistakes and all that but this is bloody awful. Obviously I know he will be remorseful. When he knows it was my brother but would he be remoresful if it wasn't my brother is what I'm wondering.

OP posts:
Jux · 09/07/2017 23:51

I would talk to the man and find out hw heves his own past behaviour. If he's digusted and embarrassed by it, and prepared to apologise to your brother, it could be OK.

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