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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moral dilemma?

52 replies

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 09/07/2017 22:44

More of a wwyd I suppose, we have some friends who we have become very close to over the months see each other a lot, they are like family I suppose a couple and their older child.
Anyway it has just come out that years ago the bloke pulled a knife on my brother who was basically a child at the time him being a few years older so an adult.

I'm really shocked and upset by it obviously as this person is always at my house and around my kids and you wouldn't think he would have been like that at all. Anyway I think I know what we have to do as I have loyalties I just wish I'd known from the start.
Also I'm not sure his partner knows it is something he's done so can't even talk to her about it. Really don't know what to do.
My partner said he won't have anything to do with him but he is gutted as it's his best friend and they work together as well, plus I don't want to lose his partner as a friend, but I feel if it had been someone he had done it to and not just because it's my brother I would still feel the same.

This is just such an awkward horrible situation how would you feel?

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 10/07/2017 00:04

...but would he be remorseful if it wasn't my brother is what I'm wondering.

Probably OP. I doubt it is a moment he looks back on with fondness or pride. It was nearly 20 years ago. I think that you should talk to him about it before you decide to end this friendship.

Original poster
LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 10/07/2017 00:18

Yes I suppose..but I don't know if this was the only incident around that time or since do I? And doubt he would admit to it.

OP posts:
buckeejit · 10/07/2017 07:19

Don't tell him it's your Bro to begin with. Say I've found out something v troubling about things you've done in the past. See what he offers & how he reacts, (you may find out more-have you googled his name btw?), if he doesn't bring up the knife-ask him outright -'why did you pull a knife on a man?' You can still tell them at the end that it's your bro. He may truly be a reformed character-fingers crossed

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 10/07/2017 07:44

Has he contacted your brother (via the police) since it happened to apologise and make sure that he is ok? Because that would mean he is genuinely remorseful.

If not - remembering he has had 20 years to do so - then he obviously isn't that sorry.

Either way - if I'm honest I'm not sure that someone who pulls a knife on a child -even if it is 20 years ago - is someone I would want around my kids.

Life is busy nowadays and most of us don't have time to keep up with some lovely lovely people that we have met through the years. It seems daft to spend your undoubted limited spare time with someone who has a history of being a violent thug.

BallOrAerosol · 10/07/2017 08:08

Did the police charge him at the time? Or did they not find him? Has he simply forgotten he ever did it and moved on , not giving the incident another thought? If so he might not even remember. So if you talk to him you might get complete denial.

LogicalPsycho · 10/07/2017 08:48

I think the fact it was your brother is a bit of a red herring.
Would the people who say "It was years ago, he'll likely be a different person now" be so forgiving if it had been their teen DS who'd been threatened by the adult with a knife, not DB?
I don't think I could remain friends with anyone who'd done something so awful to any of the people I love.

Original poster
LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 10/07/2017 09:06

I did suggest to my partner that we mention it and don't say it's my brother but he doesn't know how to say it, he's not good at that sort of thing! And know he has never apologised. The police were involved but he basically got away with it.

OP posts:
LogicalPsycho · 10/07/2017 10:28

I think there's a conflict of interest that won't end well.

DBro will think you've placed your loyalty in the friend over him. Of course he doesn't get to pick and choose your friends for you, but that is how it will probably look to him.

If for example, DBro chose to remain close friends with a woman who he knew had assaulted you, what would you think?

I've been in this situation, although it was regarding abuse in marriage, not a stranger attack. I've distanced myself from the relation who chose to remain friends with XH, as I have an equal level of respect for them as they've shown for me fuck all.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/07/2017 10:34

Do you like the bloke now? It sounds like you have spent a lot of time together of late. Does he seem like a nice normal person? Any reason to believe he has that in him now?

Your partner was quick to say no contact. You don't do that all of a sudden with someone you've been hanging out with loads for ages, who seems lovely. What's going on there?

Original poster
LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 10/07/2017 11:53

I do like him but have always thought there was something slightly off with him..he seems quite controlling over his partner and step daughters who are 16 and 18.
They were round here once and he had a major argument with his mum on the phone the word cunt was used a lot...in front of the kids. His partner started crying and went upstairs I asked what was wrong she said I know he's going to take it out on me when we get home. Which makes me wonder.

And the reason my partner was quick to say he would fuck him off is out of respect for me.

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 10/07/2017 11:56

He doesn't sound like a nice guy at all, but I feel for his wife.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 10/07/2017 12:57

Sounds like he is the same violent thug he always was - just now takes it out on a particular woman rather than an unknown child.

One thing that is intereresting is comparing your original post with your most recent one.

I'm really shocked and upset by it obviously as this person is always at my house and around my kids and you wouldn't think he would have been like that at all.

Vs

Wife being worried he will take his anger out on her.

Op - I suspect you are a Nice Person. Nice people generally live in a very nice world, are nice to everyone and believe that everyone else is nice too. It is our greatest strength and our greatest weakness. (I'm one too.) It is only once we have evidence that another person may not be nice that we start to look critically at their actions and it actually occurs to us that maybe they are not super lovely after all.

Suspect as time goes on you will think of more and more occasions when he wasn't very nice at all.

slinkysaluki · 10/07/2017 13:45

Sounds a delightful person calling his mother a cxxt that would have been it for me right there, and in front of kids Confused sounds like a nasty piece of work.

JoandMax · 10/07/2017 13:51

I think after reading your last post he doesn't sound a nice person at all. In your position I would stop the friendship and tell him why, my loyalty would always be with my sibling

Yellowbird54321 · 10/07/2017 14:03

OP I was a bit undecided until your latest update and after that I'm now wondering why you thought he was nice and wanted to carry on being friends with him regardless of this new information you've received.

Original poster
LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 10/07/2017 14:18

That incident only happened just over a week ago and I will admit I was a bit wtf about it. He did say sorry to the kids for shouting and at the time I didn't really think to deep into what his partner might have meant about him taking it out on her.

So ok yes that situation did change my view of him a bit but otherwise yes I thought he was nice (enough) I'm more friends with his partner than him though.

OP posts:
0ccamsRazor · 10/07/2017 14:32

I would terminate this friendship, anyone that threatens a child let alone a family member, at knife point would not be a friend of mine, no matter how long ago it happened.

Original poster
LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 10/07/2017 15:31

I know you are right and that's what we are going to do. It's hard as I really like his Mrs and step daughter but don't see how In can keep that friendship. She is nothing like him though.

OP posts:
Liiinoo · 10/07/2017 16:14

I might be prepared to overlook the knife thing as it was a long time ago and people do change but the calling his Mum a cunt in front of DC and the frightened partner a week ago? That would be a deal breaker for me.
Can you just meet up with her and avoid him?

Original poster
LolaTheDarkDestroyer · 10/07/2017 16:25

I'm not sure...doubt he would let her if he is really like that.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 10/07/2017 18:39

Just stop hanging out with the arsenide and keep seeing his wife. I'moved surprised you had to ask after these 2 incidents.

BellyBean · 10/07/2017 19:01

I was going to come on and say how much people can change in 15 years, but that recent incident suggests it hasn't for him. Agree you need to break contact.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 10/07/2017 20:30

Your lastest posts change things. Maybe you should probably ask the wife what she meant by that and tell her what you found out.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 10/07/2017 20:57

Why can't you just stop talking to him (I'd probably ask about it, but that's me and not mentioning it is also ok) but continue talking to his wife? You shouldn't have to stop having a friendship with her, she has nothing to do with his past. Hope you figure out what to do, it has to be right for you.

Original poster
LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 10/07/2017 21:52

Just not sure what to do for the best. She is meant to be coming round this week to help wedding plan... I don't know if I can tell her face to face it would be so awkward.

OP posts:
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