To think DH could have at least managed a salad?

[homefromthespa]

A few hours ago, I came back from my first weekend away in about 11 years. I don't say that to sound like a martyr, it's totally my fault for not getting round to it. Anyway, the eldest DS (14) is on a school trip abroad, so DH has had DD (12), DD (10) and DS (8) since Friday and he came home early that day to collect them from school. He had to take DS to Heathrow on Sat morning (with all the other DC in tow) and various birthday parties etc - all of which I wrote down for him. I also got shopping in.

Well the place is a mess in every room, which is irritating but not the end of the world. However, AIBU to think that he could have at least rustled up something for dinner? I cook for him every night and I've just had a 5 hour drive due to horrendous traffic. Even just a salad or order in? I would never expect him to come in from anywhere and start thinking about dinner for everyone?

Plus the cards and gifts I left (wrapped) in the car for the birthday kids, he says he forgot to give out. , even though I wrote this down.

Now he will just go on the computer to do "work", no doubt. He's in a very good mood and says they've all had a great time, so should I just let it go or feel annoyed?

Thankyou for all the comments. I think I was just tired last night. Its not so much that I expect certain things because I've been away, more that he expects things when it's the other way round which it is 99% of the time. But yes, it's mainly habit unfortunately driven by lifestyle choices.

So he expects you to do everything for his benefit, but doesn't return the favour?
You might want to think about sitting down with him and saying that the weekend has made you realize things need to change and it's time he pulled his weight - you are not his servant. How do you feel about having that sort of conversation? How do you think he will react?

If the thought is frightening and you think his response might be to shout at you or give you a slap, then you are in a seriously abusive relationship. If you think he will do a sad face, say 'Yes dear' and promise to try harder, it will be worth seeing what he does the next time you go away...

OP, I think the problem is that you're a parent and he's a babysitter.

'He may have just forgot'

The likelihood of someone forgetting an evening meal is fine then?

I'd be irritated about the dinner and messiness but could easily let that go. The leaving gifts in the car I would be pissed off about - they're all big enough and ugly enough to know going to party you take a gift, and knowing that's where they were going they could have engaged brains enough to read your note or even just connect the dots!

Honestly I would have done them sandwiches and got myself what I wanted.

Yes it does feel like parent / babysitter sometimes. To be fair, there are significant things he does for me and his work facilitates our lifestyle so it's not as if he's useless in all areas.

user - he would never get aggressive or anything like that. If he was like that, I would have gone years ago. In general, I don't need him to do much, but the reason it's hard to ask is that he gives off an air of super-business or that he always has more important work-related issues to be thinking about.

OP - what does he do at home? Does he change the beds, cook a few meals each week, load the dishwasher?

He will sometimes put stuff in the dishwasher. I'm at home though in the day so i get stuff done like beds, laundry, shopping and some cleaning. Cleaner comes twice a week, so it's not as if I'm hoovering nonstop. DH is not actually here that much that it would make a massive difference anyway e.g. if he did cook or something.

Just don't bring up your children incapable and expecting to be waited on OP.

There's a very strong hint of that here - why didn't they know where the presents were or demand them from DH? Why hadn't they asked him about dinner?

There are two parts to this - your DH setting a better example of 'everyone has to do their share of drudge-work in life' (it's incredibly undignified all round to be incapable of basic domestic organisation. It can be the difference between independence and institutionisation in old age). And, both of you getting them to help, then take on responsibility for small domestic tasks of their own. It may feel easier to do it yourself (aka act as their servant) but it sets them up for a difficult adulthood and curtails their prospects.

They may not all earn enough to employ staff and support an unwaged partner. Plus, there are many lovely potential partners who wouldn't countenance a relationship with a domestic dependent. Independence and capability are so more attractive.