Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH could have at least managed a salad?

83 replies

homefromthespa · 09/07/2017 18:50

A few hours ago, I came back from my first weekend away in about 11 years. I don't say that to sound like a martyr, it's totally my fault for not getting round to it. Anyway, the eldest DS (14) is on a school trip abroad, so DH has had DD (12), DD (10) and DS (8) since Friday and he came home early that day to collect them from school. He had to take DS to Heathrow on Sat morning (with all the other DC in tow) and various birthday parties etc - all of which I wrote down for him. I also got shopping in.

Well the place is a mess in every room, which is irritating but not the end of the world. However, AIBU to think that he could have at least rustled up something for dinner? I cook for him every night and I've just had a 5 hour drive due to horrendous traffic. Even just a salad or order in? I would never expect him to come in from anywhere and start thinking about dinner for everyone?

Plus the cards and gifts I left (wrapped) in the car for the birthday kids, he says he forgot to give out. Confused, even though I wrote this down.

Now he will just go on the computer to do "work", no doubt. He's in a very good mood and says they've all had a great time, so should I just let it go or feel annoyed?

OP posts:
BuzzKillington · 09/07/2017 20:42

So in 11 years, you have enabled him to be, basically, another child?

He can't cook or look after his own children? He never cooks apart from barbecues? You have to ask him to put laundry on?

This is so far from my reality, I simply can't relate to it.

It is 2017!! My grandad is more evolved.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/07/2017 20:45

DP and I would both have cooked for the other in these circs btw. We'd be able to express it as gratitude not expectation precisely because we could rely on it happening and because it's reciprocal.

But feeding you is one thing, you might have eaten on the way or prefer a late takeaway but feeding the DCs is quite another.

LovingLola · 09/07/2017 20:46

I go away once a year with my friends (have done this for years). DH is- and always has been - equally as competent in the house and with the children as I am. I am just gobsmacked sometimes at some of the threads on MN.

Original poster
homefromthespa · 09/07/2017 20:49

He is now in his "gym". I know full well he will have been watching the Tour de France all day. I really don't know what he thinks. He said he thought the DC would have posted the presents Hmm. WTF!

Vlad - I'm not really aware of maintaining a lifestyle. I just do what I need to do really, which is fine. It's just some things he does (or doesn't do actually) make me wonder about his perception of life.

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 09/07/2017 20:49

To be fair I'd have just asked "what are you doing for dinner tonight?"

Blueskyrain · 09/07/2017 20:52

I'd be very annoyed at his inability to manage it, but it shouldn't come as a shock. For whatever reason he didn't look after them alone when they were younger, and when there were less of them, and for some reason, he's an adult that doesn't cook.

He should have those skills developed way before now, he should have wanted to, any self respecting adult would. And yes, perhaps you should have pushed him to and not allowed him to basically play a lesser role for the last decade or so. He took advantage, and you let him get away with it, and now he doesn't have the skills seemingly to look after his own children. Shame on him.

I'd use this as a wake up call for both of you, that he needs to do more, and that things change now. He needs to air a more central role whether you are there or not.

SecondRow · 09/07/2017 21:29

This isn't Arctic man, is it? Apologies if not, OP.

Anyway not having given a single thought to feeding the children on a Sunday evening is rubbish. I would be seriously unimpressed.

Parker231 · 09/07/2017 21:33

Sounds like you have allowed him to not to have to contribute at home so it's not really surprising he doesn't cook, laundry and clean up. Are you prepared to continue doing everything or ensure that he does a reasonable amount of cooking etc

Chocolatefudgecake100 · 09/07/2017 21:35

Men on the whole (not all) are like this id thank ur lucky stars its just a bit of mess and pick yourself a nice takeaway hes obv not engaged his brain

Original poster
homefromthespa · 09/07/2017 21:48

No he's not from the Arctic Grin He is Cuban American but over here for years. DS has only gone to Iceland on a school trip.

I will talk to him about how I feel at an appropriate moment. A lot of it is probably my fault though, but it's still quite annoying sometimes. He will no doubt apologise as if he means it, but I don't know.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 09/07/2017 21:52

That's bollocks chocolatefudgecake100

I can see that I could be like this - if I knew I could rely on someone else to pick up after me; if I believed my time, aspirations, sense of self and personal fulfilment were more important than that person's and; if I didn't care much about the well being of that person.

I can also see how I could come to believe all of that if the person l lived with always did pick up after me and supported me fulfilling my personal goals (hobby ones especially). After a while I would come to believe that such a person must be happy with their picking-up-after lot (or why would they do it?) thus proving that they lacked my higher functions, needs and ability to fulfil goals.

It's an arrogance thing, a habit thing, a being allowed to get away with it for so long thing. Not a fundamentally sex-based thing.

Guitargirl · 09/07/2017 21:56

The no homework and no laundry thing would have annoyed me.

Can't quite understand why your children didn't say hang on, where's the present I need to give to birthday child.

Agree with previous poster that if a man had complained that his dinner hadn't been made for him after a weekend away then he'd be hung out to dry on here.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/07/2017 22:08

And how would a man be treated on here if he came back to find his children hadn't been fed? That, as a consequence, he had to rustle up a late supper for them, while his DP retired to her study, then her personal spa?

CandODad · 09/07/2017 22:09

All except FIL went to Londonfor a weekend once. He picked us up from the train stationFriday night and welcomed MIL with the opening words "what's for tea when we get in"
😂😂😂

lottiegarbanzo · 09/07/2017 22:10

...because I suspect the terms 'neglect' and 'social services' might feature, among the more excitable posts.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/07/2017 22:12

Oh and 'mental illness', because there would have to be something wrong with a woman for her to fail to feed her children and rely instead upon a partner who might be back at any late hour, exhausted after a long drive.

Getting carried away here but I believe my point is valid.

BeepBeepMOVE · 09/07/2017 22:18

Kids should be tidying up after the,selves, sorting homework and remembering presents themselves at that age. Maybe start getting them to act their ages.

Or they'll end up as useless adults like your DH

StatelessPrincess · 09/07/2017 22:20

I literally couldn't be married to someone this useless, he shouldn't have needed to be told what to do, he should know. He's not a child, he's a parent and a husband and it's his house too.
I find the low expectations that lots of women on mn have really shocking and I say that as someone who doesn't even think of herself as particularly modern or feminist.

Etymology23 · 09/07/2017 22:25

Similar situation for my parents: my holidays with mum are planned around how to make sure the 16 yr old and 47 yr old eat and don't kill the pets. Eg only going away for 3 days and ringing each day to remind them to feed them...

MiniMum97 · 09/07/2017 22:25

It's all about the mental load people....www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Fucking annoying but not sure how it will ever change mind you.

WomblingThree · 09/07/2017 22:28

See I understand the lists. Women in general like things done their way (as evidenced by many threads on here about everything men get wrong). If you are a SAHM, you have your own ways of doing things that have evolved over time, and if your partner is at work all day, unless he is psychic, you can't expect him to know the exact routine.

My DH can cook, clean, wash and parent perfectly well, but if I was away when the kids were younger, I would tell him what was available for tea (so he didn't use something I'd earmarked for another meal) or sorted presents for parties (because I'd have probably done it weeks in advance anyway). On the other hand, he wouldn't have forgotten homework or left the house in a shit tip either.

I would have text him an hour from home, and he'd have asked whether I wanted feeding, but I would never expect tea on the table, because if he did that I'd kick him in the nuts.

Other than that, what BuzzKillington said.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 09/07/2017 22:35

Think I'd kill him. Seriously, what has he done with the kids this weekend? If I came home from a very rare weekend away, I'd hope there'd be a decent takeout waiting for me and the house didn't resemble a shit tip.

lovehoney69 · 09/07/2017 22:37

But has he been on duty with 3 kids for the weekend whilst you're having fun? If so then give him a break, order a takeaway and then you can both put your feet up. You can sort the house out together during the week.

sweetbitter · 09/07/2017 22:37

YANBU, I do all the cooking normally but when I get in from a weekend away I definitely expect DP to take charge and he does. It will generally involve mostly tins and packets, but whatever.

I guess that there was no precedent though as you'd never been away for the weekend before. You should talk to him about it now and make sure you're on the same page going forward. Next time ask "what's for dinner?" and don't let him shift responsibility onto you, just casually say to him well there's pasta and sauce so why don't you cook that, then go unpack and leave him to it.

Butterymuffin · 09/07/2017 22:38

Well, now you know your place..

I'd book another weekend away and tell him the kids will need to do homework this time. Come back later as a pp said.

Oh and ask him when he's going to drop off the forgotten presents at the birthday child's house?