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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH could have at least managed a salad?

83 replies

homefromthespa · 09/07/2017 18:50

A few hours ago, I came back from my first weekend away in about 11 years. I don't say that to sound like a martyr, it's totally my fault for not getting round to it. Anyway, the eldest DS (14) is on a school trip abroad, so DH has had DD (12), DD (10) and DS (8) since Friday and he came home early that day to collect them from school. He had to take DS to Heathrow on Sat morning (with all the other DC in tow) and various birthday parties etc - all of which I wrote down for him. I also got shopping in.

Well the place is a mess in every room, which is irritating but not the end of the world. However, AIBU to think that he could have at least rustled up something for dinner? I cook for him every night and I've just had a 5 hour drive due to horrendous traffic. Even just a salad or order in? I would never expect him to come in from anywhere and start thinking about dinner for everyone?

Plus the cards and gifts I left (wrapped) in the car for the birthday kids, he says he forgot to give out. , even though I wrote this down.

Now he will just go on the computer to do "work", no doubt. He's in a very good mood and says they've all had a great time, so should I just let it go or feel annoyed?

OP posts:

early30smum · 09/07/2017 19:36

It is very, very annoying! If I am out (even for the evening!) I come home to a huge mess, even if the house was spotless when I left. Re dinner, mine would never think to get anything in either. Out of interest, why was your son having to go to Heathrow? I don't think YABU to expect to come back to a tidy house and some food in the fridge!

NapQueen · 09/07/2017 19:37

Your issue is you have a husband who requires spoon feeding. Why write everythif down? Why pre arrange anything?

Your issue runs deeper. A grown man capable of holding down a job who is also a parent to four kids who I assume he has known their whole life should be able to manage everything the kids and house need for two days.

VladmirsPoutine · 09/07/2017 19:40

Why should you suck it up? Why should you let it go?

You've just returned from your trip to take back your role as 'household manager'.

I'd honestly speak to him about his wilful ignorance and threaten divorce.

Ecureuil · 09/07/2017 19:40

I'd let it go, but then DH usually cooks at least 50% of the time so it's probably different. I'd just order a takeaway if neither of us could be bothered to cook.
I'd be more annoyed about the mess though. And about having to leave written instructions...

DameDeDoubtance · 09/07/2017 19:41

Yet another man who can't function without his wife. The fact that you had to write notes for him is ridiculous.

Read Wifework, get him to read it too.

Slimthistime · 09/07/2017 19:43

Can't believe some replies
He's been crap at all the basics
No adulting or parenting skills.

I know someone who divorced for this kind of thing. She's since married an adult, it's a very different experience!

user1476869312 · 09/07/2017 19:47

Yet another man who considers domestic work beneath him. He's probably expecting a medal and a blowjob for having 'helped' by looking after his own DC.

Longdistance · 09/07/2017 19:51

He'd fucking starve in our house.

Whoever is home first makes a start on dinner.

My Dh is away a lot with work. I've just given up working due to various reasons but have ended up helping my parents out as well as sorting the dc. If Dh is home before me, he'll start dinner even when he's been to work. If he doesn't I refuse to cook

He's learnt the hard way.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 09/07/2017 19:54

Id be so pissed off. My DH did something quite similar once, he never did it again, after I made it clear I was very, very pissed off.

It wouldn't just be the food thing, it's the fact the house is a shit tip and he thinks it's YOUR responsibility to clear up THEIR mess.

I'd ask everyone to come into the kitchen, including him. Then give out- bin bags and Hoover and tell them to go and tidy up the mess.

cansu · 09/07/2017 19:59

its the whole wife work crap. He looks after kids but actually doesn't think at all about all the other stuff like getting school stuff ready, making dinner, baths etc. If you mention it you will be blamed for not telling him it needed to be done. Many women complain that as well as do physical chores for the whole house, they also do all the thinking about what needs to be done.

JaniceBattersby · 09/07/2017 20:02

I'd be really angry at all of it OP. It's not like they're toddlers. It takes maximum twenty min ties if they all pitch in to at least tidy up the shit from the floor.

Lemonnaise · 09/07/2017 20:04

The no laundry for school uniforms and pizza boxes lying on the living room floor and no homework done would make me seething tbh. The rest I could maybe live with.

Fishface77 · 09/07/2017 20:04

I would turn of the wifi and get them all moving.
DH sounds lazy.
Agree with a pp you need to go away more often.

UpsidedownEighteen · 09/07/2017 20:06

OP you didn't tidy up after them did you?

PumpkinSpiceEverything · 09/07/2017 20:10

My husband literally admits that if he's not left a specific to-do list, he doesn't think to do it. That includes things like making himself dinner if I'm away sometimes I wonder how he survived to his age with so few actual life skills/common sense

Orangetoffee · 09/07/2017 20:14

I hope you didn't clean up after them. And no I wouldn't be happy if my husband thought he could sign off the minute I stepped through the door or needed a list on how to parent.

Slimthistime · 09/07/2017 20:15

Pumpkin, what is the attraction to someone who can't look after themselves? I don't get it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/07/2017 20:15

That would happen here too, the expectation that if I am in the house I will cook. Pisses me off no end and if I do say anything if I have been out all day and he has been home, I will get his famous Passive Aggressive bolognaise with Burnt Martyr Spaghetti. PA because he knows I loathe spag bol.

Jux · 09/07/2017 20:20

Go away next weekend too.
And the weekend after that.

Tell him you'll keep going away for the weekend until he gets good at holding the fort.

Original poster

homefromthespa · 09/07/2017 20:21

I got the kids to pick up all their stuff and put the washing on. I can't even be bothered asking him to do that. He's gone in his office .
In general, I don't feel I work harder than him, just differently. I'm a SAHM and he's in private banking. It just makes me feel a bit unappreciated for all the things I do for him because he would notice if things were chaos.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/07/2017 20:24

That would be no dinner made for him next week, surely?

Slimthistime · 09/07/2017 20:28

OP "I got the kids to pick up all their stuff and put the washing on. I can't even be bothered asking him to do that. He's gone in his office . "

so you got them to do a job that he should have done at least half of? That's ridiculous.

Orangetoffee · 09/07/2017 20:35

Ah he is one of those high earning husbands with hobbies who do not parent, cook, clean etc with high expectations but not returning the favour.

When is your next day/weekend away?

VladmirsPoutine · 09/07/2017 20:36

Are you doing this to maintain your lifestyle?

lottiegarbanzo · 09/07/2017 20:39

I think your mistake was coming back on Sunday evening. This allowed him to cover the fun part of the weekend, with a 'get of gaol free card' that you would come back and get everything ready for the week.

I think home at midnight, clear that he needed to have all clothes, homework etc ready for Monday morning and you stopping for dinner on your way home would have been a much more complete weekend away for you.

The presents thing though, how did your DCs not think of this and ask him for them? Dd has known since she was 4 or younger that if you go to someone's party you take a present and card. Did they know there were presents ready? Or were they covering for him (having assumed he was responsible for providing presents, thus there were none) while dying from embarrassment inside?

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