To spend every waking moment worrying that my Son has a lack of stimulation and company

[lonelyinthenorth]

I have ended up in the North of England. My Son's family live about a 40 minute drive and his dad has his two nights a fortnight. My parents live several hours away.

At the moment I don't work and my Son goes to nursery for 15 hours a week.

In September he's going to school and I will be working full time.

Our lifestyle at the moment is soul destroying and I'm going absolutely insane.

I spend all my time with my Son. The only peace I get is when he's asleep. He looks for attention all day and is so lonely I feel terrible.

I take him somewhere every day like the park, soft play etc but this only last a few hours so apart from school he is with only me.

I have PND (still waiting for any kind of support). I was given a 6 weeks course of counselling which did very little and was forgotten about.

To be honest I don't actually think I have PND anymore. I think I'm just soul destroyingly lonely and that in turn makes me feel down. Because I'm down I can't interact with my Son well and that means he misses out.

I don't find him much company but I do love him.

I wish I just had someone to help day to day, a friend with a child who could pop over. I have never struggled to make friends before but I haven't met any here despite going to lots of clubs.

There's very little around here since the Children's Centre closed.

We live far from amenities so it's not like we can pop to a cafe. We have a long walk to get anywhere and my son hates the buggy.

I don't mind being lonely as I know I will be starting work soon. It's only my Son I worry about. He spends most of his days alone. Watching tv, reading, playing with toys. He looks so so lonely and bored. I cannot relax as I just feel so guilty and upset watching him. He gets SO excited for school and doesn't want to leave.

It's heartbreaking. My friends say he isn't that lonely. He has me and although I struggle to actively play with him, I'm still interacting with him. We chat when I'm cooking etc. They also said don't worry, once you start work and he starts school you will feel differently.

I had an awful childhood. I was completely isolated and I don't want my Son to be like that. I can't even enjoy him as I worry constantly he's bored/lonely and the overwhelming fear I'm not playing with him enough and he will be psychologically damaged.

AIBU to feel this way? The worry is horrendous and ruining my well being.

If he's getting 15 hours a week of nursery he isn't that isolated or lonely. He might well be bored some of the time, but he has company on a regular basis. You sound like the one who's suffering more.

What will you be doing for work, and how do you feel about it? Can you say what are you're in, vaguely?

I used to have a deal with ds, play them i do some jobs then play again. Also he can do things with you like prepare lunch. Don't worry, i used to think the same about ds who is now 12 and he is just fine. You don't have to stimulate hom every waking hour

When he starts school you can start asking his school friends round to play.

You sound like you are doing great with him. Don't worry about him being lonely.

I'm a Forensic Social Worker.

I already know the team I'm going to be working on. They're lovely so thank goodness I will have some company when I start work. But I've been isolated for so long I'm worried I will be talking the ears off everyone!

If my Son was in school full time that would be so much better.

My parents have expressed the concern my Son is lonely and this makes me feel awful. I don't want to leave this job so don't want to move nearer them which sounds selfish, so I feel it's my doing that he's lonely. I see my neighbours child and they have aunts and grandparents popping round. His Dad takes him to the park. I'm barely too tired to function so I'm not even good company for my Son!

I feel he's so deprived.

I should be more awake and enthusiastic with him. I am with him 24/7 but it's not quality time. I'm so tired I can barely smile.

He's at nursery pretty much half the week so I'm sure he's fine.

Download the app mush to try and meet other mums in your area, it's brilliant.

You do sound depressed op. I'd go back to the gp.

I know the feeling I am a single mum to & I feel like my child is lonely... we go out lots Park- soft play - toddler group ,resturants ,sealife, london ect & I try to make like fun but when I see how desperate she is to interact with other kids it sort of breaks my heart ! she's only 16 months but the hunger is there . I feel like I'm not enough whatever I do because I can't replace that interaction with other kids and it also breaks my heart it's not something i can do anything about at present and highly fusturating as i am desperate for her to have the best of everything :*(

You have neighbour with a child
Invite them round for tea
Get to know them

How far is school etc
Could you move somewhere with more amenities?

I don't think I'm depressed. More my situation leaves me isolated. My Son is so tiring so I feel exhausted all the time. It's a vicious cycle.

You sound like the one who is lonely and isolated and suffering for lack of company, not him. He has his mum (which is pretty much everything at that age, plus nursery, plus kids when he goes places). Children didn't use to be stimulated with external stuff all the time, it was very common for children to stay home with mum til they went to school aged 5!

You sound like you need treatment for your PND as you are catastrophising that his life is awful when actually it sounds quite good, in fact, more than good for a child his age. This is a sign of depression and I strongly suggest you return to the GP and/or approach the health visitor again, even if it feels pointless, so that you get some help so that you are well positioned to take up work in Sept. There is a very real danger that if you don't get this sorted that you may be depressed when you start work and struggle there as a consequence, please seek help even if it is just to redo the online course again, and go back to the GP/HV as well as keep chatting on here!

Have faith! You are not your parents, in fact you are doing extremely well you are just worrying a lot, it is this that is the problem rather than anything objectively wrong with your son's situation.

Could it be that you're lonely and you're projecting op?

It's going to get better and it's going to get easier . Once he starts school and nursery he will make a little social circle
And you will be a lot less lonely once you start work and have adult interaction

In the meantime pro actively search for summer clubs and activities to kill some of the hours

It's going to get easier but you must ask for help and support here

I know the feeling I am a single mum to & I feel like my child is lonely... we go out lots Park- soft play - toddler group ,resturants ,sealife, london ect & I try to make like fun but when I see how desperate she is to interact with other kids it sort of breaks my heart ! she's only 16 months but the hunger is there . I feel like I'm not enough whatever I do because I can't replace that interaction with other kids and it also breaks my heart it's not something i can do anything about at present and highly fusturating as i am desperate for her to have the best of everything :(*

Tough isn';t it

Little kids want attention all the time. Its just how they are and not an indicator that they are lonely or unstimulated :)

Everything else you said makes me think you are depressed- too tired to function, too tired to smile, having difficulty engaging with him, honestly please please do go to the dr or health visitor and let THEM make the decision about if you are depressed. I know being a single mum is exhausting, being with him will tire you out, but that's why depression rates are high in this group! You must know that, if you are a social worker.

Ok, he is nursery age. The absolute most important thing is time with you which he has in abundance.

His 15 hours nursery is plenty of social interaction for him. But why don't you invite a child and parent round for a play date to give you some adult company too? Or bite the bullet...We're going to the park,
would you like to join us?

Does he sleep through? If he does then I would wonder whether your extreme tiredness is a symptom of depression?

Little kids want attention all the time. Its just how they are and not an indicator that they are lonely or unstimulated :)

^this. My ds almost 1yo waves at random strangers to get them to stop and talk to him and squirms until I put him down if he sees other children to play with.
He's with me full time and we go to 2 or 3 baby/toddler classes a week. The rest of the time we are at home or potter round the shops etc.
Your child is getting much more interaction with other children than mine is.
I don't worry about my ds being lonely but I think it's because I'm not lonely or depressed.
I definitely think this is about how you feel op, you're isolated, lonely, tired and perhaps still a bit depressed so you can only see the negatives.

What would you say if this were a client?

The sources of stimulation he has are a) you b) nursery 15 hours a week c) children at soft play/playgroups d) neighbours children and their families e) dad twice a fortnight.

Sorry, but your child is not lacking social interaction. You are, and your are depressed and fed up in your situation, which I totally get. But a lot of this is projection and your own fears. Please don't listen to your parents as they are obviously not that great and are emotionally manipulating you, probably to move near them. Ignore them, your child objectively has enough social stimulation. You, however, do not and you are probably depressed as a result, for which I strongly suggest you seek any type of help you can get! (from seeing dr/HV, exercising, mindfulness, joining any clubs, anti-D's, perhaps Facebooking local area to see if anyone wants to meet, join professional societies).

My almost 1yo ds that should have said

It's perfectly normal for a young child to spend most of their time with their mother. There is nothing wrong with it.

I think you are focusing on the wrong issues entirely, it's your loneliness and anxiety that need to be worked on, you're projecting your own feelings onto your child.
Please seek some help for yourself. Good luck.

He sounds fine to me, fifteen hours a week in nursery plus an activity of some type each day plus two days a fortnight with his dad plus a loving mum with him all the time. It's you who are suffering op, you sound very sad and lonely. Young children often don't make the most exciting companions so don't beat yourself up about that. The good news here is that this is all going to change very soon. Once you're in work your social life will expand and so will your son's as he makes new friends at school. Maybe book a week or two away or staying with your parents to break the summer holidays up and ask around to see if there are any local kids activities or play schemes running. Finally, can I suggest joining a local church? The right church will be sociable and friendly and can become like a family to you.

I think your friends are right and you are being too hard on yourself. If he loves his 15h per week nursery so much, then congratulate yourself on being a constant and attentive mum who gives your son the confidence to go out there and enjoy the interaction without your presence and without feeling any separation anxiety. You should be proud of yourself.

Being a single mum must be tough. I have a partner and I still find it soul destroying and lonely at times. Hopefully starting work will give you chance to make some new friends which will boost your own happiness. It sounds like you are so concentrated on your son's needs that you are forgetting your own. Selfless of you, but you do need to be happy too.

You sound like a lovely mum who tries hard to keep her child happy. The park visits etc are so lovely for children. Give yourself a pat on the back instead of berating yourself! No childhood can be perfect and children need some boredom as it gives them time to get used to entertaining themselves rather than relying on others to keep them happy. Gives them time to develop their own initiative.

You sound a lovely mum and I hope your new job and your son starting school give you chance to have your own friends again. Your child is lucky to have such a devoted parent

If only it was as simple as 'see you GP'. I already have. They did nothing. They won't offer me anything if I go back anyway.

I'm in temporary accommodation at the moment waiting to be housed. So I hate the area and don't really want to make friend as any day we could be moved. So I can't 'settle in'.

I think you are depressed. Not that your situation isn't difficult in and of itself, but the way you're catastrophising (no criticism meant, I get depressed and do it too) and your levels of exhaustion sound exactly like depression to me. If your son has 15 hours a week of nursery, plus some park and soft play visits, he has a perfectly decent amount of company and stimulation. If he had much more going on then he'd have no down time at all, and that's not good for a child either. TV, reading and playing with toys are totally normal things to do. He's going to be fine. Kids this age do look for attention, it doesn't mean there's anything horribly lacking in their lives.

What you need to worry about is you and your own wellbeing. It matters for him and for you. It's not long until September, so hang in there - the extra hours at school will give you some breathing space, work will give you something of your own to focus on. If you still feel you're not coping, please go back to your GP and ask.

Don't be hard on yourself. You're doing fine. Honest.