To spend every waking moment worrying that my Son has a lack of stimulation and company

[lonelyinthenorth]

I have ended up in the North of England. My Son's family live about a 40 minute drive and his dad has his two nights a fortnight. My parents live several hours away.

At the moment I don't work and my Son goes to nursery for 15 hours a week.

In September he's going to school and I will be working full time.

Our lifestyle at the moment is soul destroying and I'm going absolutely insane.

I spend all my time with my Son. The only peace I get is when he's asleep. He looks for attention all day and is so lonely I feel terrible.

I take him somewhere every day like the park, soft play etc but this only last a few hours so apart from school he is with only me.

I have PND (still waiting for any kind of support). I was given a 6 weeks course of counselling which did very little and was forgotten about.

To be honest I don't actually think I have PND anymore. I think I'm just soul destroyingly lonely and that in turn makes me feel down. Because I'm down I can't interact with my Son well and that means he misses out.

I don't find him much company but I do love him.

I wish I just had someone to help day to day, a friend with a child who could pop over. I have never struggled to make friends before but I haven't met any here despite going to lots of clubs.

There's very little around here since the Children's Centre closed.

We live far from amenities so it's not like we can pop to a cafe. We have a long walk to get anywhere and my son hates the buggy.

I don't mind being lonely as I know I will be starting work soon. It's only my Son I worry about. He spends most of his days alone. Watching tv, reading, playing with toys. He looks so so lonely and bored. I cannot relax as I just feel so guilty and upset watching him. He gets SO excited for school and doesn't want to leave.

It's heartbreaking. My friends say he isn't that lonely. He has me and although I struggle to actively play with him, I'm still interacting with him. We chat when I'm cooking etc. They also said don't worry, once you start work and he starts school you will feel differently.

I had an awful childhood. I was completely isolated and I don't want my Son to be like that. I can't even enjoy him as I worry constantly he's bored/lonely and the overwhelming fear I'm not playing with him enough and he will be psychologically damaged.

AIBU to feel this way? The worry is horrendous and ruining my well being.

I work with Adults. I have little knowledge of working with Children.

His Dad offered to have him full time and I always agreed. At the last second and decided against it and for a week after that I felt so happy, couldn't get enough of my Son. Once the week wore on I felt fed up again.

I think I'm just with him far too much without adult interaction.

*almost

Could you perhaps ask one of his key workers at nursery to babysit once a week if you can afford it and join a club of some sort to get you out with other adults?

They won't offer your anti-D's or you don't want to take them? I think your depression does sound situational so I can understand if you didn't want to go down that route, however it might lift the fog, and if you do, then try another GP instead. Or if you are on them, they are not working, so you need to return to discuss that.

You are in a very difficult situation OP, in temp accommodation and it is not surprising it is getting you down. You do not need to worry though that this is so terrible for your son as it sounds like he's a happy chap at nursery and has a lot of stimulation. You sound ground down by the situation which I am not surprised by, it's a lot to cope with by yourself. I think you have to find a way to get through the following weeks and months. Hopefully you will get rehoused soon- any idea when this will happen?

@lonelyinthenorth where about are you in the north? Pm me if you want I am in Northumberland with a two and a half year old. I'd love to meet up if you're within distance.

I became so much happier as a parent when DD went full time at school. Felt a bit bad about it at first, but the break means I have time to stick my brain back together and I actually have something to give her at the end of the day. The preschool years are really tough.

Or try to find a social thing on during the hours he's at nursery?

The only time my DD didn't want attention was when I stuck her in front of the telly. Bliss.

Also, the situation with you two stuck together a lot is temporary. He is starting school in Sept. So even if it is for the summer, it is not forever.

I don't think you are hearing what people are saying to you that your son has a good amount of stimulation. I do think you are depressed. I think you are fed up of being with him 24/7 which is not the same as that being wrong for him. It's probably quite nice for him, not so stimulating for you.

Could his dad take him a bit more over the summer holidays to give you a break, but without changing anything else?

My parents have offered to have him for two weeks the first week of August.

They will also have him during school holidays.

When I go down to visit my parents I really enjoy my Son. I have adult company and my mood lifts.

I have considered moving back but I will be starting a career where I am now that simply wouldn't be possible back with them. Once I'm more financially secure I can move back but this wont be for several years.

In September he will be in school full time and after school club!

But he loves children so I think he will enjoy it. Hopefully we will both make friends then.

I think you are blaming yourself for a problem that doesn't exist.

He has 15 hours preschool and goes out every day.

But I get why you are feeling like this. I was a LP and felt the same. It was more that I was beating myself up for him only having me rather than him needing more.
Be kind to yourself.

Have you tried your MN local page? I met a really great friend through mine.

Thanks everyone.

I find myself spending far too much time online and I think he watches too much TV. This causes me a huge amount of guilt but I just cannot bring myself to sit on the carpet playing with trains for more than 10 mins.
I think working will be the making of me and I think my Son will enjoy being around children more.

Could u go stay with your parents over the summer. Have a nice change of scenery and be a bit more refreshed for sept?

Your son gets about the same as mine and I think that's fine.

I agree that this is more about you.

This really does sound like it's you rather than your son who needs the extra help. Is there any kind of exercise you could do to help yourself? If you're seriously depressed exercise alone won't help, but it could actually help to get rid of the tiredness. Can you go out for a walk with your DS, or find a gym/exercise class that has a creche?

It is worth going back to the GP and telling them everything. Also ask if there could be an underlying reason. I had an underactive thyroid for years. I felt exactly as you describe. Low thyroid causes depression, anxiety, tiredness, weight gain etc etc.

And remind yourself - this is temporary. You can literally count the weeks until it changes. Try to plan something to happen every other day (nursery, go to shops, etc) and know that there's a very short period before things are going to change dramatically. You'll probably worry that it's too busy then.

Or could ds spend some of the summer at his dads - perhaps him having during the week and u have at weekends just for the summer

If your son is 4 then you have had all those years to cultivate friends unless it's a recent house move and, if that's the case, then why did you do it if you have no support nearby? 40 minutes is not that far away for the grandparents to come over once a week or you go to them if you get on with them or could you go to your parents for a few days or invite them to yours.

Glad you are returning to work and not relying on the benefit system ( if you have been). Hope you have alternate care in place for the school holidays, inset days, half day starts and ill days!

I wouldn't set too much store by what your parents are saying - you mentioned in your OP that you had an awful childhood and presumably they played some part in that?

"his dad has his two nights a fortnight"

"His Dad offered to have him full time and I always agreed." then "At the last second and decided against it".

Who decided against it? Your son's dad or you?

Would you and your son's dad be able to reach a compromise? Somewhere between his dad having him the two days a fortnight and his dad having him full-time. 50/50, for example, or every weekend.

Also, may I ask if you have always felt this way (your son is about 4, yes)?

What you describe does seem to be more about the effects on you, rather than on your son (I don't mean that in a bad way) and I too wonder if you are clinically depressed. It may even be that the guilt you are feeling at your son's supposed loneliness is projected from feelings of guilt because you don't want to parent full-time (if that makes any sense).

I'm in N. Yorks (not too far from Darlington) if you are in the area I'd love to meet for a coffee and a chat. I have a dd the same age as yours and a younger ds.

OP I think if you have plans for the summer, which is dads and your parents, and you are on the housing lists and have a job lined up this will be all ok, as long as you watch your own mood.

Stop beating yourself up that he's with you a lot and perhaps watches lots of TV, that's temporary as I'm guessing you are in a small temp accommodation and don't know many people. I once had six months with a similar aged child of about 18 months where I had to let her watch TV a lot so I could finish my thesis. I just had to accept for that time that a couple of hours a day was what she would have to watch so I could get some work done, plus I also worked in her naps, got her dad and GP to take her out. She's now a very high achiever, I don't think it had any effect!

What I'm saying is, play the long game here. Get through the next two months, that's all it really is til Sept. If there's a lot of TV and not as ideal as environment as you'd like, so be it. Long-term you working and him at school is best, plus it's great if he can spend a lot of time with his dad and your parents anyway, good to have a network rather than it all be on you.

I find it very hard to make friend vis baby groups etc.

At work and university I made friends instantly as you're thrown together. It's different.

I also think you sound depressed ( and fwiw I am a mental health nurse) you sound like you have lost perspective and have projected some of your own emotional difficulties on to your son. When you spend a lot of time on your own negative thoughts can grow arms and legs and become much bigger than they need to be.

If you didn't get much from your last GP try another one at the practice or just go back and try again. It's difficult for GP's to get to the bottom of emotional problems within a 10 minute window but maybe try writing something down before you go so that you don't leave without having said what you wanted to.

Thanks everyone.

I just want more company really. People to chat to. To watch tv with.

I have three very good friends and my best friend lives near but he works so I only see him once a month.

My son's Dad has him every other weekend but will not commit to any more than that.