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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there's no point offering to take me for dinner

62 replies

lottieandmia · 09/07/2017 11:40

It's my birthday next weekend and my mum said to me that she wants to take me out for dinner to a place of my choice (her words)

However, on closer inspection it seems she isn't willing to go anywhere that isn't a carvery. Carvery is fine but I was thinking I'd rather go somewhere you don't have to queue up for food (as I have AS and I don't like crowds).

TBH I think it would have been better for her to just not offer in the first place. AIBU?

OP posts:
KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 09/07/2017 11:43

Yes, that's weird.

Sirzy · 09/07/2017 11:45

Why does she only want carvery?

Can you not go somewhere that offers both carvery and normal menu? Best of both worlds!

RandomMess · 09/07/2017 11:46

Yep she's weird, pick somewhere else, tell her the only place you want to go to is x if she doesn't want come with you how amount the money for you to go with someone else GrinGrinGrin

Bluntness100 · 09/07/2017 11:47

Strange, I'd assume she knows how you feel about carveries?

acornsandnuts · 09/07/2017 11:47

YANBU I hate carvery food. Have you told her you would have preferred somewhere else?

hubface · 09/07/2017 11:49

I think a lot of NT people just can't understand autism, they are just thinking about how good it makes them feel to offer to do something even if it doesn't benefit the person.

It might be worth considering going at a less busy time though. I have AS and although I don't like crowds, I love a good roast dinner, so I'd try to go at the earliest lunch sitting (say 11.30am) on a Monday lunch time, which often means no queues and a quiet venue. Dinner will be busier but if you get a 5pm sitting on a Monday or Tuesday then it will often be fairly quiet.

RestlessTraveller · 09/07/2017 11:49

I hate carveries. I wouldn't be going. If she really won't do anything else, why don't you suggest a little coffee shop for coffee/tea and cake?

Heratnumber7 · 09/07/2017 11:49

Tell her that if it's a carvery, you'd far rather she cooked it as her roast is so much nicer, and can you go round to hers instead. Smile

LogicalPsycho · 09/07/2017 11:53

If the meal was "your choice", you would not choose to eat in a carvery.
That much is clear.

So essentially by impressing her lack of choice on the intended venue, your Mum actually wants to take you somewhere she likes on your birthday, and will pay for it for you 'as a treat'. And that is for your benefit?

Either you choose the place, or just say no Flowers

Or you could compromise and say "Thank you for the offer, DM, but as you know I don't like the crowded atmosphere of carveries. If you aren't willing to try a change of venue, then maybe we should just go for a few drinks instead, that way neither of us is unhappy?"

It might make her think at least Smile

PurpleMinionMummy · 09/07/2017 11:55

Yanbu. It's not a place of your choice if she's restricting said choice.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 09/07/2017 11:59

I think it's to do with the fact that she thinks carvery is cheaper.

OP posts:
ememem84 · 09/07/2017 12:03

If I offered to take someone for dinner as a birthday treat it'd be their choice. So where ever they wanted to go and I pay (within reason....I'm not minted!)

But I'd only suggest somewhere if I knew that the person in question maybe had wanted to go there. Not because it suited me.

If it was a "do you want to come to carvery with me for your birthday? My treat?" Different matter.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 09/07/2017 12:05

Carvery is cheaper round here. It could be that.

Toby Carvery is £6.50 and drinks are bottomless.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 09/07/2017 12:06

I wouldn't suggest anywhere expensive and most of the places where I live are similar anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia · 09/07/2017 12:08

But I think if you don't want to pay more than £6.50 and say it should be my choice then just don't offer in the first place.

OP posts:
MsPassepartout · 09/07/2017 12:11

Irritating to have a dinner offer presented as "a place of your choice" when it's actually "carvery or nowhere"

Does your mum know how you feel about carveries? I know some people who would need to be told very explicitly that I don't like xyz.

Would it be more tolerable if you went at a quieter time, say mid-week rather than at the weekend?

Original poster
lottieandmia · 09/07/2017 12:15

We can't go in the week as she works. She is not poor by any means.

I don't expect her to take me it just pisses me off that she would bother suggesting it in the first place if she doesn't want to go where I would choose.

OP posts:
hubface · 09/07/2017 12:17

My mum took the day off work to take me on a day out for my birthday as she understood weekends are too busy for me as an autistic person.

Your DM has no understanding of your autism and she doesn't want to understand.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 09/07/2017 12:28

She won't be taking a day off work. I would rather she didn't offer tbh. She's now calling me difficult for suggesting somewhere else.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 09/07/2017 12:36

I don't think it's got much to do with NT people not understanding autism. Loads of people don't like carveries and a present you won't like isn't really a present at all. Just cancel the whole thing if she can't be persuaded to go somewhere else cheap like a nice little cafe.

VladmirsPoutine · 09/07/2017 12:42

I think Yabu. She wants to take you out and she likes carveries. How do some people live in life ffs!

Gwenhwyfar · 09/07/2017 12:44

Op doesn't like carvery though so why go? It's OP's birthday, not her mum's.

Nikephorus · 09/07/2017 12:59

My mum likes restaurants that have plenty of people in them because it gives them 'atmosphere'. I'm another with AS and I hate busy restaurants (though I do like carverys when they're quieter) so strangely enough I turn down her birthday invites. We went for a curry years ago & were the only people in there - she complained the entire time! I'd have enjoyed it otherwise.

ZippyCameBack · 09/07/2017 13:04

If you go, you will hate it (and given your AS I have no way of knowing how this situation will affect you, so might it be worse than just hating it?). Then you will be accused of being miserable and ungrateful.
If you don't go or try to insist on somewhere more appropriate, then you will probably get the same accusations. Since you can't win either way and you won't be able to please your mother, you might as well please yourself.
You could either say "Let's not fall out over this, why don't you just bring a takeaway and a bottle of wine over to mine?" or you could point out to her that presents for you are supposed to be about you, rather than her. I enjoy a fight and like it when my mother won't speak to me, so I'd go for the second option, but the first would be better if you want to avoid conflict.

Trills · 09/07/2017 13:11

I think a lot of NT people just can't understand autism, they are just thinking about how good it makes them feel to offer to do something even if it doesn't benefit the person.

I think a sad number of people when giving any gift don't think about the person receiving the gift, they are just thinking about how good it makes them feel to offer to do something even if it doesn't benefit the person.

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