To think there's no point offering to take me for dinner

[lottieandmia]

It's my birthday next weekend and my mum said to me that she wants to take me out for dinner to a place of my choice (her words)

However, on closer inspection it seems she isn't willing to go anywhere that isn't a carvery. Carvery is fine but I was thinking I'd rather go somewhere you don't have to queue up for food (as I have AS and I don't like crowds).

TBH I think it would have been better for her to just not offer in the first place. AIBU?

So when she said 'your choice' she meant 'there is only one place I'm willing to go'?

I think you should have a lovely meal with your DDs at a place of your choice and let your M do whatever she wants without you.

If it really is a place of your choice, then it clearly shouldn't only be a carvery. I'd just pick a place that I really want to go to and see what she says.

So sorry that your DM doesn't try to understand your anxiety over crowds etc, OP.

Vlad if you have no understanding of AS or Anxiety, may I respectfully suggest you keep quiet and try to educate yourself.

for OP - hope you have a lovely birthday meal in a venue of your choice

Why don't you suggest she gets a takeaway and comes over and then go out with your kids another night without her.

Cheap for her, no anxiety for you, and you get the treat and a meal you want.

I have a mother like this OP. I completely sympathise.

My birthday is soon and she "absolutely insists on the treat" wanting us to go for afternoon tea ( £30 a head) I have AS too and would rather have root canal work done.

She just doesn't want to understand it, no. She's also very controlling. For example, on Friday she practically forced me to take dd3 to the school summer fete. She promised her I would take her without my knowledge (we never go to fetes because neither I nor dd3 can actually cope with them)

So, I then had to take her to this awful fete which was packed and also had a police car letting its siren off every 2 minutes for the children's 'entertainment'. Dd3 isn't NT either - she has ADHD and is also likely to be on the spectrum. After an hour at this fete I told her we had to go and she had an explosive melt down which was a nightmare.

This was all caused by my mother telling her I was going to take her. I do lots of things for her which we can cope with but I don't think it's fair to expect me to be able to magic away my issues.

Your mum sounds like a bloody nightmare, start being assertive with her, also create a distance between you and her.

I hate carvery's, I would much rather sit down with a decent menu and have my meal brought to me. In your shoes i would just say, thanks mum I would love to go out, you know I hate carvery's so let's pick somewhere else.

Hmm. If she doesn't want to go to where I would have chosen then I'll just go with my daughters. I don't want her to pay - I wish she never offered. We can just pay for ourselves.

I guess I do just feel it would be nice if she could accept my difficulties instead of looking down on me.

Check the Japanese phrase, something like arigata meiwatu

I think what hurts my feelings the most is that I've been on dates with men I barely know who insist on taking me to expensive restaurants. And my own mother doesn't think I'm valuable enough to accommodate my wishes in a much more reasonable restaurant.

That may not make any sense but it's horrible to feel that your mother doesn't care about you. I just can't ever imagine treating my own daughters this way.

Can't you order off the menu while she gets her carvery? Even if my mum or PIls offered to take me out to wherever i wanted - i'd still end up picking somewhere they would like, feel comfortable at and was fairly reasonable. I know they wouldn't like the Thai, India, Japanese restaurant that i might really like.

Sounds like you have a few issues with her though.