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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Competitive and smug or just proud

56 replies

minionsarecute · 09/07/2017 09:05

I absolutely love this work colleague who works with me.

He was told he'd never amount to anything. He had to re-do his GCSE's twice. He failed University twice. Even on his third attempt he was the victim of two crimes, became seriously ill and nearly had to drop out. He was working two jobs trying to pay his tuition fees. He couldn't afford to rent in the city so he had to rent far out and commute 4 hours a day to his training placement.

He always said to me it was his dream to work at our company. When he qualified he failed the interview for a position. He failed 14 interviews over a year and when he came to us for a 15th interview I honestly don't know how he got the strength to even interview but he was completely in control and did brilliantly.

The problem now is that, now he's got the job he's so enthusiastic and very proud of his achievements that people have (in my opinion mistakenly) accused him of being arrogant and competitive. He does discuss how hard he had to fight to get the position and how happy he is to be working for our company but for those who are in lesser paid jobs, or working in a less prestigious company (the office space is shared by companies) they can feel they he's overly competitive and deliberately putting down their achievements.

To me he's a lovely young man (sound so old saying that), but it's true. If I had had every conceivable obstacle put in my way and overcome it all I would be singing from the rooftops too!

So do you think talking about how much you've achieved is a bad thing? As long as you're not self obsessed and talk about other things aswell. To me I see someone who is happy to have got where they have, but that doesn't mean he looks down on those that haven't achieved as much. It only seems to be an issue for colleagues He's an incredibly good worker, just not good at interviews. who are in lower paid job.

I suppose because I'm in the same field I see things differently.

OP posts:
minionsarecute · 09/07/2017 09:09

Sorry posted too soon.

I was shocked to hear people complaining that he is smug as to me he's anything but.

AIBU to think there's nothing wrong with being rpoud of what you've achieved? Or is it arrogant?

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 09/07/2017 09:10

Well it's a bit like once Trump became President and was still banging on and on about the election. No one cares, love. Just get on with the job now.

Tofutti · 09/07/2017 09:15

Is he still banging on about it? I love hearing a rags to riches story, but just the once. Tbh, only you and his mum would care now.

Saiman · 09/07/2017 09:16

Tbf to him, it could be that those people dont feel good about themselves.

I love hearing about their achievments. But have no problem speaking to tgem if its becoming smug and putting others down.

However, their reactions (if you genuinely dont think he is smug) could be saying more about how they feel about themselves. Also you might be seeing him through rose tinites spectacles.

Its great he has achieved what he has. However if its pissing people off, it may be worth having a word and telling him to tone it down a bit.

Saiman · 09/07/2017 09:17

Oh and nothing wrong with being proud. But it can easily move into arrogance and who, really, wants to hear someone tell the same story over and over again.

minionsarecute · 09/07/2017 09:17

Ah so maybe it is annoying. I think because I've seen him struggle I'm really proud of him.

I think it's a case of years and years of stress and struggle and he'\s finally got his dream.

But maybe he does need to shut up now.

He doesn't tell his story. He just explains he really happy to be here and he still can't believe it! Personally I find it endearing.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 09/07/2017 09:19

I would find it endearing too, but probably only if I understood the context.

Does everyone know how hard it's been for him?

DonaldStott · 09/07/2017 09:21

Is it only me wondering what company this is?

Saiman · 09/07/2017 09:21

But explaining 'i am tealky happy to be here' everyday is boring.

Anyone saying the same thing iver and over again is annoying. People get annoyed with people who constantly talk about their kids, partners, pets, cars etc.

Its not fun to have to work while listening the same thing. Wether its a story or statement

minionsarecute · 09/07/2017 09:23

I don't think they truly understand. They know he failed his course a few times but not all his family history.

He was in care his whole life, all his siblings died in a tragedy. His parents were very critical and he never felt supported by them This guy has been to hell and back.

He also is a single dad who has full residency of his child.

He's amazing! And I personally don't care if he knows it.

But, a few people have said he's arrogant and competitive. So maybe I'm seeing him in a too positive light.

OP posts:
happinessbythekilowatt · 09/07/2017 09:29

Are you positive that all of these really happened to him?

happinessbythekilowatt · 09/07/2017 09:29

All of these things*

minionsarecute · 09/07/2017 09:30

Are you positive that all of these really happened to him?

Absolutely! I have seen categorical proof.

OP posts:
Saiman · 09/07/2017 09:33

You have seen proof his parents were critical?

ElspethFlashman · 09/07/2017 09:33

But how in earth do you even know this much level of mind numbing detail about a colleague?

Saiman · 09/07/2017 09:37

Op has it ever occurred to you tgat a lot of people go through shit. Perhaps collegues at work dont want to share and sick of hearing it. They may have had diffixult lives too.

No at work knows my mum has severe mental health problems, i was abused (indirectly because of those problems), been a single parents, failed uni etc, been sexually assaulted several times and raped.

I have a very high level job. No one would guess what i have dealt with.

Would you be so impressed he was a single parent and managing to achieve something if he was a woman.

I am starting to suspect it's your reaction to him that makes people annoyed. You seem a bit start struck.

minionsarecute · 09/07/2017 09:37

You have seen proof his parents were critical?

Yes. It would far too identifying to say how but I've seen their interaction with him in person and it was horrific,

I was his manager while he was training so worked very closely with him for years.

OP posts:
Trollspoopglitter · 09/07/2017 09:37

You don't actually work with him, do you? Arrogant and competitive aren't adjectives to describe someone telling his life story and being over enthusiastic.

I think you do need to be quite arrogant to fail 14 interviews and walk in with confidence and determination on the 15th. You must have an unwavering belief in you, even when reality is reflecting a different picture.

People who think they're better than they really are called arrogant. You can argue failing 14 times would be proof you're really not that good at something.

I think lot of history's inventors/artists who failed and tried again and again were arrogant. They wouldn't have eventually succeeded if they weren't.

Trollspoopglitter · 09/07/2017 09:37

Cross posted

minionsarecute · 09/07/2017 09:38

Not star struck. But I do think he has a right to be proud. I would feel the same if he was a woman.

I just find it sad it seem these days people want everyone to be shy and lacking in confidence. There's nothing wrong with being proud of what you've achieved.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 09/07/2017 09:40

Has he been in post long?
Perhaps the honeymoon period will wear off soon and he will settle down.
Some people don't like to see others being happy.

minionsarecute · 09/07/2017 09:41

You must have an unwavering belief in you

He does have complete and utter belief in his abilities.

OP posts:
minionsarecute · 09/07/2017 09:41

He's only been in the job a few weeks. One year in and he will have stopped.

OP posts:
TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 09/07/2017 09:43

To those in lower paid jobs it could come across as him putting constantly them down for not having achieved what he has with, as far as anyone knows, a lot less struggle and hardship.

From what you've said he's done really well and should be proud of his achievements, but does he need to keep telling everyone?

After the first couple of times I could imagine people starting to think, yeah well, good for you, mate but we've all got our problems too.

Isadora2007 · 09/07/2017 09:44

It sounds like you're quite close to him, perhaps you could talk to him about his interpersonal skills and how other people don't need to know the journey to this point and just want to get on with a job. It sounds like he is a bit emotionally immature if he shares really personal information easily and makes it all about him. Yes he has done well to overcome many difficulties, but lots of people have but don't make a song and dance or expect allowances for it.
He is where he is now and he needs to act accordingly I think, and leave his past behind him- certainly at work.

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