Or was this other woman at the Summer Fair

[PTANameChange]

I'm baffled as to whether or not I'm unreasonable. I don't think I am but prepared to hear all viewpoints.

I am a relatively new PTA chair, having taken over from a truly wonderful one in September. Historically, the chair has arranged the annual summer fun day, but this year the committee decided that it would be better that a different member took this responsibility as both would be too much. As such a SFD coordinator was assigned.

Today was the day. Unfortunately due to my husbands unchangeable work commitments, I wasn't able to volunteer for the whole day, but I did help last night, and at other preparations in the last few weeks. I also did manage to get my parents to take the DC for 1.5 hours so I could help for a little while. All the stalls were manned, so the coordinator asked me to 'float' and help where needed. I then spent that 1.5 hours traipsing around making sure stalls had everything they needed and asking if they needed help - nobody needed help. I asked a lot.

Then my DP had to leave so I had three Dc by himself so couldn't do much more than running stuff about, but still offered.

We hadn't had lunch, due to being there early to deliver stuff, so I got the DC a burger each from the BBQ and went to sit down with them and eat. Then they wanted to run around a bit and play so I let them and was watching (and still keeping an eye on stalls just in case). I was then approached by a lady who helps regularly for the PTA and was on the BBQ. She started shouting at me and was really in my face shouting about 'are you even on a stall? What have you even done for this whole day anyway?' She was very aggressive and intimidating. I didn't even get the chance to explain that I have:
Helped with donation organising.
Run around like a blue arsed fly making sure everyone was OK.
Stayed until 6pm helping set up last night. I had to leave then to pick up a tombola for them to use tomorrow.
Paid £40 of my own money, that still hasn't been reimbursed, for a lottery license. Chased this constantly as they were so slow.
Donated fuck loads.
Spent fuck loads.
Done several posters/newsletters.

I am not the Summer Fun Day coordinator!! I am doing the year 6 leavers BBQ. Well I was. That's in addition to, drafting minutes/agendas, helping at every single disco, helping for all Christmas shopping day prep and on the day.

All whilst parenting 4 children, three of whom have some element of additional needs that have required multiple school appointments, referrals etc. I have also had to help my sick mother, who has a brain tumour, with a 3 year old at home most days. Oh and actually sleep at some point.

Is it me or is it completely fucking unreasonable of her to A) question my contribution B) scream at me in front of stallholders and my own children C) wander off, clearly slagging me off to all and sundry.

What the actual fuck? Would I be justified in quitting now. I am not fucking working with that. Would you go in and explain all this to the headteacher on Monday? (I wasn't approaching her with it today, what with how a public event is completely the wrong fucking time to do that!!) I'm livid.

I have been PTA chair for several years in the past and have always been the 'floater' on the day of Summer Fair. It is a full on role and you are being bombarded with questions from stallholders, finding, moving, delegating, placating...you name it the 'floater' gets it all. It's like juggling jelly.
I think you should be looking at getting BBQ woman reprimanded for her behaviour by bringing it up very calmly when you debrief at the next PTA meeting. I would be saying that 'feedback' should be given at an appropriate place and time and that her behaviour was unbecoming and has done nothing to enhance the reputation of the PTA especially at a time when parental support is so desperately required. I'd pitch it as her undermining the PTA rather than a personal attack.

Thanks all for your input, I really appreciate your views.

I've taken today to go over it all and talk it out with friends. One suggested she may even be guilty of a public order offence, which seems extreme but perhaps a point to bear in mind when decision making.

To address a few points, I don't believe she was drunk. I don't think she'd had any alcohol at all, but I may be wrong.
I don't think she's going to apologise. Her personality is quite brash and can be overpowering at times anyway, she's very black and white and seems to think her 'right' to opinion makes whatever she thinks a fact. She'd never lose face by apologising, she'll just find more ways to justify herself i think.

I have had contact with the lovely SFD organiser who's basically said she's not sure what to say, and offered a chance to debrief before our next meeting.

I've decided to print resignation letters, take them to said meeting and see how it pans out. If I get anything less than support and apology I'll be leaving there and then I'm afraid - I have enough to deal with. If I feel supported I'll stick it out until September, but I'm not sure I'm willing to work with this person in any capacity, so if she stays I'll be standing down, which is a shame as I've been an active member for 3 years now, and helped at everything I've been able to.

I understand why you are considering resigning but I think you are looking at this the wrong way. This woman was openly aggressive and unreasonable in front of other people including the event coordinator.

I wouldn't even want her apology on the table for discussion. The only item for discussion is a motion asking her to not help at any pta events again (and to resign if she is on the committee). If you don't get support for that then I'd resign.

You'd be better off without her. Bitches like her are the reason more parents don't help. I have helped at events like this in the past and got fed up with the martyrs who seem to only go so that they outdo everyone else and moan about it. Now I offer a specific length of time and help in the preparation work. I offer to do anything - shopping, baking, posting leaflets, washing up, emptying bins, sweeping. They can take it or leave it. I figure that if they actually want help, rather than someone to outdo, they will take me up on the offer. I'm not prepared to be martyred on the altar of precious yummy mummies and their like.

I was the chair of our PTA. I soon realized why No one else volunteered to do it primary school mothers are like nothing I've ever encountered before.

We've left primary school now and I've vowed never to have anything to do with the secondary school PTA

Get the SFD coordinator to do a report/debrief of the day at the next meeting and like BoraThurch stated above, get her to deliver the shit sandwich ("great work, everyone had fun, we raised £xxxx. However, there was an incident when....this is entirely unacceptable....all volunteers in whatever capacity....respect.....in future will not be tolerated.... . Thank you everyone for making the day such a success, blah blah")

Oh, I like the idea of a motion at the next meeting.

I do think you need to debrief the Head as soon as possible about what happened though. It was a school event, presumably on school property, and reflects the school in a bad light.

AT our school I would:

Mention incident to the Head by email, ccing SFC (Unfortunate, happened in front of outside trader, needed to mention as reputation damaging etc., will be brought up in next PTA meeting to be minuted. Ask for Head's support on matter of how important a good reputation is to school, and their attendance at next meeting.)

Ask SFC to prepare report for next meeting, including the shit sandwich of "unfortunate incident". Get Head to speak up in support of how important all roles are, how reputation is important to the school, that PTA events are a team effort and all contributions, no matter how great or large, how visible or invisible, are appreciated. Minute it.

You (as Chair) follow up with guidelines on effective debriefs and appropriate channels for feedback.

Not offer to stand again for election next year in September.

Basically, don't make it personal, don't make it about an apology to you but about how all supporters of the PTA deserve to be thanked, no matter their contribution. But don't stand again - it won't get better.

Sounds as if you've been doing a great job, OP, but concentrate on the constitution etc (write in a clause about respect & values etc!) and then handover with all the paperwork and groundwork intact in September. Moral high ground retained.

Oh I like that squirrels. Much more dignified than my suggestion and the quiet, graceful rebuke would leave the offender quite embarrasssed I would think.