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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Newborn comments I wish I'd challenged

105 replies

user1492528619 · 08/07/2017 16:06

DS's birthday is coming up and I've been reminiscing his newborn days.

I vividly remember MIL during this time. She is usually quite amiable and we get on well enough.

I gave birth two weeks premature with complications and he was in NICU for a week. Only DH and I visited, as I was still in hospital. We were told we could take him home twice and they ended up keeping him in a little longer, so the days leaked by. MIL gave us hell about coming to see him. She picked DH up from the hospital one evening and spent the whole ride home complaining how disappointed she was in him for not letting her 'nip up'.

We didn't find out his gender until birth and for my baby shower my sister bought me some neutral accessories. One was a baby blue banket. She shouted across the room 'Does she know something we don't?' Before making digs for the rest of the pregnancy of knowing the sex and telling my family but not his. When we called to tell her he had been born we told her she was a boy and he response was 'What a surprise... not.'

When she first visited she didn't bring a card or a present, not an issue in the slightest, but we invited both her and my mum at the same time. She later commented that the fact my mum brought things made her feel 'uncomfortable.'

These are the three that really stand out. It had been such a turbulent time that I either ignored or just let DH deal with it but whenever I think about it, I get angry and really regret not saying anything.

Did anyone experience similar?

OP posts:

LoKeKi · 08/07/2017 20:55

C8H10N4O2 Sat 08-Jul-17 20:39:23
You said, grandparents are often not allowed by the NICU

No I said in the two units closest to me non parent/guardians are not allowed, other than by special prearrangement.

So grandparents are not allowed in the sense that they are not parent/guardians.

I am surprised that all the hospitals you list allow random people into the NICU.

^ Last sentence, you've used the word random. "an unknown, unspecified, or odd person."

Original poster

user1492528619 · 08/07/2017 23:05

For reference, you were allowed limited prearranged visitors on his ward. The night in question where she wanted to 'nip up' the little girl next to him's condition took a turn for a worse and she was moved to isolation where she died in the early hours of the morning.

The NICU is not a matter of having living relatives come and visit your baby it is a hospital for your child to get well. Everything else, everyone's wants and feelings come second to that.

OP posts:

Peregrina · 09/07/2017 00:05

Exactly how I feel Grannyben - it's not the new parents taking the grandparents for granted and using them - it's a crisis where you would hope people offered assistance.

As you would if one grandparent was taken seriously ill - you would hope that the other family members would be there to support the non - ill grandparent.

Fishface77 · 09/07/2017 00:34

LOKeKi are you the MIL?
Very over invested in this thread and derailing it to prove your point.
And the op didn't ask if she should have let her in laws in or not, she is discussing newborn comments she wishes she'd challenged!

OwlDoll · 09/07/2017 00:47

If grandparents have every right to refuse childcare if they want to, surely parents then have the same right to refuse any visitors before they are ready.
It was the parents' decision to have a child, so nothing to do with the grandparents at all according to LoKeKi's logic.

LoKeKi · 09/07/2017 07:10

Nope, not the MIL. I just had my comments / opinions picked apart. Interestingly in 30 days there's another grandparnent childcare related thread and everyone is saying "No, the two year old should not be left with the grandparents for a weekend".

OwlDoll - I have said that I would have let grandparents visit in Nicu, this is not saying that "parents don't have a right to refuse any visitors"... Yet another example of someone changing what I have actually said. I quite clearly say, at least twice, it's up to the parents, however, I wouldn't have had a problem with grandparents visiting in NICU.

Flash - no derailing, just correcting people when they say I have said things i haven't. Pretty simple. I've actually stuck to the points raised in this thread without throwing insults like others - it's in AIBU (although not sure with the AIBU bit is; I comment I would have done things differently, and that grandparents can rightly refuse to provide childcare).

Charlie97 · 09/07/2017 07:19

How many times does it have to be said to you,..,.......parents sitting with gravely sick child are not on a jolly up!!!! It's a different situation.

LoKeKi · 09/07/2017 07:28

Grandparents still don't have to provide childcare; it is their choice.

I will say again, caring for children should not be forced on anyone.

Whatsername17 · 09/07/2017 07:33

I agree with pp who suggest moving on. It's frustrating - of course you wish you'd challenged them, but, you were a bag of hormones at the time. The thing is, your ds's grandparents will continue to disagree with certain aspects of you parenting - it's highly unlikely that you will parent the same, so make your resolution not to keep quiet in the future. My inlaws disagree with me only keeping dd2 out late for a special occasion like a wedding. They disagree with our decision not to allow dd1 (almost 6) a tablet of her own or a child's mobile phone that she can text on. Dh and I make our decision, stick to our guns and, if need be, remind them that we are the parents. For balance, I tell my own parents outright to stop if they start to butt in, but to be honest they rarely challenge us. Pil do almost constantly.

pollyglot · 09/07/2017 07:54

'D'M came to see new firstborn grandchild. "Human babies are not nearly as cute as kittens or puppies, are they?" were her words. OK, yeah he was not the most beautiful of babies to others, I guess, but to me he was simply adorable. MIL was just not interested. When we took DS2 to visit, i was making small talk about how this one took after my family, while eldest was just like his father. Surly BIL walked in, took a cursory look and said "Huh...better looking than the first one, at least." The devil took over and I said "I was just telling MIL how he took after my family, not yours." I was never forgiven for that ...

mrsmuddlepies · 09/07/2017 07:56

I remember a friend of mine visiting to see our new son when we just got home from hospital. She said to me that she was so glad he was not her baby, she would have hated a boy.
I still feel enraged by her comment and never felt the same about her again.

Ceto · 09/07/2017 07:59

LoKeKi, it's not a matter of forcing child care on anyone. It is however a matter of common human consideration on the grandparents' part: most decent, caring parents of adult children want to help out when their child and his partner are going through a massive crisis in their lives. Of course they don't have to, but then OP doesn't have to forget how shittily they behaved in a crisis.

SparkyBlue · 09/07/2017 07:59

OP I think you should try to move on but be aware that she can be difficult and don't take that crap going forward from her. My ds was in NICU and no one apart from parents were allowed in and it was like Fort Knox (and rightfully so) so in many places you can't just nip in. My own mil suffered from mental health issues so I have had every type of bizarre comment made to me and it was difficult but obviously my mil had an excuse.

pollyglot · 09/07/2017 08:02

The same "D"M who, on being told that she was going to be a granny, wailed "I'm too young to be a grandmother!" She was 54, and I was 27!! She genuinely resented being made to feel old, and behaved as though I had done it deliberately.

AngelaTwerkel · 09/07/2017 08:05

"caring for children should not be forced on anyone."

I agree. But in this case they agreed and changed their minds. I cannot imagine not stepping up to help my children in this kind of circumstance and I would think badly of anyone who let worried parents down during one of the most stressful times of their lives. I recently looked after a friend's toddler twins (alongside my own small dcs) while she and her DH were in hospital with their very poorly newborn. Didn't even think twice, you just have to rally round at a time like that.

mrsmuddlepies · 09/07/2017 08:14

In my experience, grandparents who are kept at a distance and have the law laid down to them at every opportunity, do not bond as well with their grandchildren.
It is hard to show unconditional love and total commitment when you are marginalised.
The mothers on here who recognise that this is their baby, their rules apply, are right of course. They are free to make all the decisions. However, it can result in grandparents not feeling as bonded and involved. They may feel less like baby sitting and sharing milestones because their role is so marginalised. There is considerable research to support the importance of spending quality time together as a tool to aid bonding between a baby and adult. It is of course the mothers right to limit and control access to her baby but there may be consequences for the relationship between grandparents and child.

LoKeKi · 09/07/2017 08:16

AngelaTwerkel

I can't see where it says they agreed and changed their minds - it reads to me like they made a choice not to provide childcare when asked. I also cannot imagine stepping up to help my children; but I won't ever assume my parents, or DPs parents would provide care because they are the children's grandparents.

pollyglot I know someone who has made a similar comment - made me laugh. I think it's because we always view our grandparents as "elderly" when young; I tend to still have many memories of my parents being young, but can't remember my grandparents at an age i would consider young!

Peaches44 · 09/07/2017 08:17

I had almost the exact same thing happen when DD was in NICU. But it was with SIL.

My pregnancy was very and she was born 5 weeks prematurely in the end, she was born a good weight but needed oxygen and other support so we had a 2 week stay. In that time the doctors kept giving us the impression it wouldnt be long so I asked that only mine and DPs parents come to the hospital, it was an extremely emotional time for me and no one could hold her for the first few days and I truly just didnt feel like having all our sisters and brothers traipsing in just to see the new baby. My siblings were fine and understood but SIL went on and on about it being 'her' new family member, could she just pop up, would only be for 5 mins blah blah.

After we got home my best friend (since childhood) came by after dropping her DCs to school, this got back to SIL who said family should have met her first and shit really hit the fan. Our relationship never really recovered and put a strain on everyone as MIL sided with her and said it was cruel of me to invite my friend first

AngelaTwerkel · 09/07/2017 08:50

@lokeki

dm threw the towel in after 48 hours with our dcs after promising itd be fine beforehand

HTH

LoKeKi · 09/07/2017 09:02

Angela Thanks - I hadn't actually read that until you pointed it out; totally shit of the GP to pull out, but still a choice they are allowed to make (and also not clarified in the first post which is what I quoted when I made my comment).

AngelaTwerkel · 09/07/2017 09:07

Yes you have pointed that out several times. I don't think anyone has said they don't have a choice, we all realise that! But just that it's totally shit to exercise that choice at that particular time.

Stressalot42 · 09/07/2017 09:10

Yep, I can believe that about you!

Keepinitreal3 · 09/07/2017 09:13

Some of these stories are awful.
It's so often always the same even when everything in a birth generally goes to plan family members can treat it like a competition the first to be at hospital, comments about how soon they can babysit. Mils wanting to be at the birth. Which all may seem reasonable to them but excited grandparents can forget you are an emotional wreck and it can seem like the comments are being made to try and stake a claim on the baby. Even in the best situation hospital visits can be very undignified for mum stitches, bleeding, catheters, trying to breast feed. You don't want your PiL breathing down your neck for hours when you are in that kind of mess. But in their excitement everyone forgets about poor mum and her right to any dignity. And this is a fairly common scenario so I can't imagine how op must have felt with a baby in nicu. Awful!
I can understand the PP who said family all waiting in the living room triggered her post natal depression as it can seem like everyone is so in your face.
Stories of relatives also trying to sabotage breastfeeding for their own benefit are awful. How selfish!

FutureMrsTempah · 09/07/2017 09:19

My mil has visited once (when Baby was nearly 4 months old), and brought her a chocolate snowman. Was put out when me and oh said we'd be eating it as baby was t being weaned until 6 months, and certainly wouldn't be having chocolate for a long time!

eeyore2 · 09/07/2017 09:26

Lokeki our NICU had 'winter visiting rules' which meant nobody except the parents. It is hard to explain the knock-on problems this caused to our family and to me (trauma) due to our family being split up and our older children not being allowed to meet with or bond with their very sick sibling.

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