Newborn comments I wish I'd challenged

[user1492528619]

DS's birthday is coming up and I've been reminiscing his newborn days.

I vividly remember MIL during this time. She is usually quite amiable and we get on well enough.

I gave birth two weeks premature with complications and he was in NICU for a week. Only DH and I visited, as I was still in hospital. We were told we could take him home twice and they ended up keeping him in a little longer, so the days leaked by. MIL gave us hell about coming to see him. She picked DH up from the hospital one evening and spent the whole ride home complaining how disappointed she was in him for not letting her 'nip up'.

We didn't find out his gender until birth and for my baby shower my sister bought me some neutral accessories. One was a baby blue banket. She shouted across the room 'Does she know something we don't?' Before making digs for the rest of the pregnancy of knowing the sex and telling my family but not his. When we called to tell her he had been born we told her she was a boy and he response was 'What a surprise... not.'

When she first visited she didn't bring a card or a present, not an issue in the slightest, but we invited both her and my mum at the same time. She later commented that the fact my mum brought things made her feel 'uncomfortable.'

These are the three that really stand out. It had been such a turbulent time that I either ignored or just let DH deal with it but whenever I think about it, I get angry and really regret not saying anything.

Did anyone experience similar?

Don't see anywhere that it says it was a previously-agreed arrangement.

Charlie97 If you read my posts you will understand that I am saying that grandparents have a choice about whether they provide childcare or not; it should not be expected of them to want to, and to agree to do it.

It isn't up to a parent to insist a grandparent provides childcare; no one should ever force childcare of their own children on someone who doesn't want to do it (see multiple threads recently about people wanting others to look after their children overnight / over the holidays); everyone was in agreeance that it's down the individual to decide whether the provide childcare - that doesn't change because it is a MIL).

C8H10N4O2

I've worked in a shit load of NICUs and off the top of my head i can't think of one that bans grandparents - it is usually a case of direct relatives, limit the number of visitors and only certain hours for siblings (no other children)

Lokeki, we are talking about a specific event here! If you read my post I said it's not like the parents are on a jolly up!!

And of course it's ok to insinuate OP is a liar, because of your NICU experiences.

I'd have thought someone who works on NICU, would be more in the camp of. "It's awful watching a parent with a desperately ill child, struggling to arrange childcare for their other children. I can see them worried about leaving their baby, but having to go home as their nearest and dearest tell them they are not childminders!"

I still think you sound vile!

:And of course it's ok to insinuate OP is a liar,:

Where have I ever done this? I haven't. I said in reply to your post that stated "this is often not allowed by the NICU." that actually, in every NICU I've worked in there have been no "grandparent bans". It's up to the discretion of the parents.

The OP has never said it was "nicu rules" that meant her MIL couldn't visit; if you read her posts you will see her second post (after mine) says it was here and her DPs decision - fine, that's their choice. I personally would have let my MIL visit my baby in NICU.

Too many mil incidents to recount due to the fact that I lived with her and she was a total nightmare.

On finding out I was having twins, her first reaction was to declare that I'd never cope and it was a disaster - like I'd planned it or something.

Lokeki, did you never see parents struggling for childcare whilst babies were in NICU?

Did you not think that grandparents that could help should've had some empathy and helped with childcare in very traumatic circumstances?

It seems a very harsh attitude that a parent could be losing a child and not be supported by the other parent as grandparents wouldn't help out?

i can't think of one that bans grandparents

And yet our two nearest NICUs do precisely that - parents/guardians only. Any other visitors require prior arrangement with the NICU, if the child is well enough and never 'on spec'.

Friend who works in one of them said it wasn't always that way but tighter security generally and fall out from fraught family relationships drove the change. I don't know if its the same in the other one or just the security issues which triggered the change there.

What you or I might do is not really relevant - neither of us are the OP and neither of us know her MiL

Stressalot42

As I said above, I don't believe that childcare should be forced on anyone who doesn't want to do it. It really isn't in the best interests of the child.

If a grandparent doesn't want to provide childcare that's there personal choice - if they do, that's also their choice.

"Any other visitors require prior arrangement with the NICU, "

So not a grandparent ban then, is it?

And I will say again, the OP never said NICU banned the grandparents, her and her DP made a choice, and like I said, those reasons were explained after my post, and i will reiterate again, that's totally cool they made that choice.

I've had to let go of the fact that my PIL came to see DS after a 20 hour labour which resulted in forceps and an episiotomy (all very rushed and frightening at the end) - they rocked up 2 hours after I gave birth, I was still in the delivery room, bleeding, with a catheter in, and desperately tired. To this day I don't know why they couldn't have waited another 4 hours til visiting time. I was disappointed no-one spoke up for me - my Mum felt guilty that she'd been there for the birth and they hadn't seen him yet, DH wanted his parents to come, the midwife offered and I felt too out of it to refuse. It annoyed me for a while afterwards - that their selfish need to see DS immediately trumped my desire for rest, but I've had to get over it. However, it will NOT be happening this time around, DH has been duly informed.

My NICU banned everyone but parents. Big London hospital.
And I didn't even let GPs go to SCBU. When he comes home you can see him as much you want. Babies in NICU often need calm, minimal interaction- usually just with parents. We had enforced quiet time. The last thing I wanted was the GPs there. He was not an exhibit. A very premature baby who needed to get better before facing the outside world. A little bit of patience does no harm.

Second MN thread in 2 days where the OP has been accused of being precious for not allowing NICU visitors. Bizarre. One of the things I hated about our SCBU was visiting hours when a whole load of loud people would descend, often ignore the various infection protocols and be a pain. It was after all a place of rest and recuperation for my 961 gms baby- not a soft play arena.

Sorry neither of us know her DM, not MiL - mixed up PP with OP.

Also can't see where she made a decision not to let DM into NICU - simply that DM was annoyed at not being allowed in.

Also. No, grandparents don't HAVE to provide childcare. But I would think quite badly of someone who didn't step in to help family when there was a poorly baby involved.

DS1's classmates mums were amazing during our NICU stay as were various relatives. He needed a costume for World Book Day and I will be ever grateful that they sorted that out for me. That's what you do- you pitch in to help when a baby is sick. It's not a run of the mill situation after all.

So not a grandparent ban then, is it?

I have no idea what point you are making. It covers anyone who isn't a parent/guardian.

OP never said NICU banned the grandparents, her and her DP made a choice

OK i thought in this point you meant Hedgehog who was the PP let down for childcare arrangements.

Her baby is tubed up, she is still catheterised and she should prioritise a person who has already behaved badly to her over those who have actually supported? Well ok. But whilst I'd generally say 'grin and bear' for a quick visit I don't think someone in her situation is being unreasonable.

LuchiMangsho I work in London, I honestly can't think of one off the top of my head that bans grandparents. Gosh, Chelwest, Queen Charlottes & Chelsea, Evenlina / Tommy's, Lewisham, UCL, all allowed.

I'm astounded at the lack of compassion some posters have shown for parents under an immense amount of stress with their beautiful poorly babies in NICU. I don't think anyone has any right to force a visit, I personally think it's extremely rude and you should wait for the offer! DH and I have already decided if we are to be able to have another one day we'd ban any visits until we're ready to offer them no matter what the circumstances, even if they have to wait a few weeks. I found it overwhelming to say the least and still feel it was part of the reason why breastfeeding went so wrong for us and I certainly won't have any hesitations in telling people to kindly get fucked!!

"C8H10N4O2 Sat 08-Jul-17 19:31:42
I didn't say they were entitled, I said I think they could have let grandparents visit their grandchildren in NICU.

And as other PPs have said - this is often not allowed by the NICU. If they did and her son said 'no' then she should take it up with him, not the Dil upstairs in the NICU"

You said, grandparents are often not allowed by the NICU; I said I had never known this to be true from working in NICUs.

You said, grandparents are often not allowed by the NICU

No I said in the two units closest to me non parent/guardians are not allowed, other than by special prearrangement.

So grandparents are not allowed in the sense that they are not parent/guardians.

I am surprised that all the hospitals you list allow random people into the NICU. They are not local to me but when I visited one in UCL it was by prior arrangement and I was badged (would be about 5 years ago now).

Lokeki, it's safe to say that you are in the minority of thinking parents suffering trauma should allow unwanted visits or that grandparents should refuse childminding requests when a crisis is occurring.

This pleases me, I'd hate to live in a world when either of these situations were acceptable. I'm glad my family don't live I that world.

" you list allow random people into the NICU." They don't - please read my posts, people have to be known to the parents, or direct relatives.

I have never mentioned hospitals allowing random people in. Please stop saying i have said things I haven't.

Charlie97

I have actually said neither point in your post.

What I have said is that it's a grandparents choice whether they provide childcare or not (in any situation); just like with anyone else who is asked to provide childcare.

AND.

That I would have let grandparents visit.

"it was by prior arrangement and I was badged (would be about 5 years ago now)."

Think you will find this is the case with most wards that are used as inpatient (and outpatient) wards with vulnerable people on. It is very different to saying wards do not allow visitors.

They do, they just ensure they are who they say they are, they wear ID and the guardian of the child / adult confirms they are OK with it (surely you can understand that safeguarding is needed and the difference between safeguarding measures and an outright ban on people visiting?)

Please stop saying i have said things I haven't.

PKB?

Direct relatives can run into the dozens, so whilst 'random' may be excessive 'all direct relatives' is pretty expansive compared to my experience.
Plainly our experiences and outlook are different, MV

So you don't understand the difference between a relative/family friend, or a sibling, and a random?

Can I also add my comments regarding grandparents helping with childcare. The parents weren't hoping to nip off for two weeks in the sun, they had a poorly newborn and surely those are the exact circumstances where a grandparent would rush forward and offer whatever assistance they could. I cannot possibly imagine the turmoil they must have felt trying to be in two places at once. The grandparents/other close relatives should be ashamed of themselves