Newborn comments I wish I'd challenged

[user1492528619]

DS's birthday is coming up and I've been reminiscing his newborn days.

I vividly remember MIL during this time. She is usually quite amiable and we get on well enough.

I gave birth two weeks premature with complications and he was in NICU for a week. Only DH and I visited, as I was still in hospital. We were told we could take him home twice and they ended up keeping him in a little longer, so the days leaked by. MIL gave us hell about coming to see him. She picked DH up from the hospital one evening and spent the whole ride home complaining how disappointed she was in him for not letting her 'nip up'.

We didn't find out his gender until birth and for my baby shower my sister bought me some neutral accessories. One was a baby blue banket. She shouted across the room 'Does she know something we don't?' Before making digs for the rest of the pregnancy of knowing the sex and telling my family but not his. When we called to tell her he had been born we told her she was a boy and he response was 'What a surprise... not.'

When she first visited she didn't bring a card or a present, not an issue in the slightest, but we invited both her and my mum at the same time. She later commented that the fact my mum brought things made her feel 'uncomfortable.'

These are the three that really stand out. It had been such a turbulent time that I either ignored or just let DH deal with it but whenever I think about it, I get angry and really regret not saying anything.

Did anyone experience similar?

There's no point saying anything I think. She won't apologise or anything.
My mil spent my entire pregnancy going on about how the baby must be a girl so she has an even number of girls and boys. He was a boy.

She was holding my lovely new baby boy and going on about how he should have been a girl. I still wish I could go back in time and tell her to hand him back if he wasn't good enough.

When my cousin came to visit with her baby girl she held the baby girl and actually said "this is what you should have had, a lovely girl. What a shame".

It still bugs me now years later. I haven't said anything, I don't think it's worth it. She would just deny it all anyway. But I'll never forget it and I think about it every time I see her.

Sorry, I hijacked your thread with my issues. But I totally get how you feel.

Ds was in just over a week....dm threw the towel in after 48 hours with our dcs after promising itd be fine beforehand. No reason either she just didn't want to. She was not in her 80s and had dsis living at home too and she had said she would help they just changed their minds coinciding with me being discharged from hospital. I got the feeling they though me and dh were getting to relax at home with no dcs....in reality we were at hospital all day and at night I was expressing, dh would do an early morning trip to hosp to take the milk and then return and I'd go up too to sit with ds.
We couldn't take 2 y o dd into NICU so otbreally complicate things at a very stressful time

Thank you all for your kind words. I know I have to let the feelings go, I think I just needed to hear from other people.

In regard to why we didn't let anyone visit, DS was covered in tubes and I was still catheterised, walking around with a drip until day five. Besides, it wasn't a matter of letting MIL nip up. If MIL came so would my mum and if my mum so did my sister. Both of whom had been far more supportive. It was a very vulnerable and emotional time which DH and I wanted to share alone with our baby.

DS was born with a list of ailments we are still working through, one being he is profoundly deaf. Our whole family has made an effort to learn at least some signs, except MIL. DH mentioned to her recently that DS would be a lot more open with her if she could interact with him. Her response was, can they not doing anything to help fix him? He does not need to be fixed.

The comments continued way past the early days but I take them in my stride and confront her for a majority, others I don't let her get a rise.

Hedgehog I'm so sorry you went through that. What an awful thing for her to do, it's such a difficult time and that was the last thing you needed. She showed her true colours at least, so glad your little boy is okay.

Christ the memories still haunt me today:

Mil made the entire pregnancy all about her.
Actively discouraged me from having a home birth the entire time.
Cried when we wouldnt tell her what name we were thinking of using.
Cried when we wouldnt let her come to a scan.
Used her contacts at the hospital to access my medical records about why i had a bloodtest.
Opened mail addressed to me from the hospital about appointments when she found it in my home.
Was upset she wasnt first to see dd because she had two sons and my mum had daughters so she deserved it more.
Tried (and failed) to get into delivery suite after dd arrived.
Decided the shortened version of dd's name we chose to use was to common, so she started using her own shortening, and sent texts and cards to her extended family announcing dd's arrival with that name on.
Grumbling about breastfeeding.
Complaining about dd's sleeping patterns.
Taking dd off me to make first introductions to extended family when i has asked her to wait (this was when I well and truely snapped, dh was long before).

I thought she was crazy when i married him, but when I got pg she took it too whole new levels...

plimsoles

Hell's Bells!

My son was a prem baby. He was very long but very thin. When I finally had him home my cousin came to visit. She looked in the cot and said , 'God, he looks like a rat'

Some of these are so awful. The main comment that stays with me is another MIL one. Day 4 and she's holding my pfb and she looks down at him and goes "I'm going to take you away from your mummy when she needs to go back to work" I just don't know why she felt the need to say that and - four days in - I was really upset at the thought of anyone taking him away from me.

Sorry as well for hijacking - it was just similar to what happened to us

My mil finally came to see my dd4 when she was 2weeks old and peered over my shoulder whilst I was feeding her and said "oh I much prefer my dogs , I don't do babies "

These are awful stories. I don't think there is any defence - and MILs do not have to be like that. My MIL (now dead) was absolutely lovely. Kind, caring, sensitive and helpful. In fact we saw the first signs of her dementia when she stopped being able to look after the dcs...she wanted to, but couldn't see what to do with them. Most nice people don't talk about wanting to take the baby away from a brand new mum, even in jest, and they don't act as if the baby is a big pie they want to have a slice of.

What is wrong with people who do, and what is wrong with their apologists ( on this thread)?

I remember my sis commenting that dd had spocky ears when she was born.........she THEN had the audacity to get huffy when I piped up that as long as dd didnt inherit her aunties huge nose it wouldnt matter, as ears can be covered. Spocky or not.

TBF she has got a.huge nose.......and a habit of making intentionally nasty remarks which she tries to brush over with the stupid dippy act she puts on.

I think it sounds as if she was pretty insensitive when you were having a traumatic time. But I think she will just be able to say it was petty, if you challenge it now. Unless she brings it up, I suppose.

My DD is 3 months and my MIL has settled down (she does have a remarkable capacity to irritate me), but when DD was very new and she first came down, she literally grabbed her out of my hands and held her so tight I couldn't take her back. Then walked around whirling away from me as I tried to take the baby because she was crying. It was only about 10 minutes because she started screaming but it was nasty and I can still feel exactly how hard she grabbed. She will still insist on taking the baby and keeping up a stream of 'tell me your secrets, what have they been doing to you, grandma will keep your secrets, grandma loves you best ...' stuff, but she hasn't ever done the grabbing thing again.

It is an odd relationship and I think there's something about your children having children that isn't easy to negotiate at all.

The signing thing, though ... crikey. That's just so rotten.

How's your relationship now OP? Hopefully better?

Did your sister know that you were having a boy?

Not as bad as some of these, but when DS2 was born, he was quite a sleepy baby for the first week or two. MIL kept saying it simply wasn't good enough, and I needed to not feed him before they came so that he was hungry, and therefore awake. I was like, uh, no.

And when he was about three weeks old, PIL came round to collect SIL who had been for tea. I was upstairs putting DS1 to bed and feeding the baby, so I assumed that they would leave when they realised they wouldn't see the kids. How wrong was I!? DH had gone to play football and I thought everyone had gone. Half an hour later I came down and there they all were, sitting in the dark in my lounge, waiting for "their turn" with the baby. That kicked off my PND, although I didn't realise at the time. I have set some firm boundaries now, and things are a bit better.

Oh OP :-( I really hope your MIL comes around about signing and communicating.

Mine isn't as bad as some of you. I asked that we have no visitors for the first day as I wasn't sure how I'd feel. Turns out I was rushed to surgery after hemorrhaging pretty badly post birth. I come down from recovery and my in-laws are waiting outside and wanting to come in. I didn't have the power to say no and they tried to follow us until the nurse said: no, she needs to get settled first.

They then came in and stayed for 2hours where I didn't hold my DD once. They came back the next day whilst I was getting help breastfeeding and sat there watching me. It was seriously uncomfortable.

After coming home they were around every day "helping" and were in general a pain in the arse. From 5 weeks they were asking why we're not giving her bottles and when can she stay over as all her friends have their grandkids over for night stays. It's still a huge thing for them 2years on when they can't have her overnight (she's a terrible sleeper outside of her own room)

After my dd3 my auntie said 'oh what a shame! Another girl!'
After Ds1 the following year she said ' you can stop now you've had your boy!'
I had another 3 boys just to annoy her.

can they not do anything to fix him

My sister is deaf-your mil can fuck off. That's appalling.

*I think you could have let your MiL nip up to see her grandson

Ditto.

And, She then decided to not want to look after our other dcs whilst ds was in NICU, they are grandparents, not child minders*

Am I really fucking reading that!?!???!!!

So what does being a grandparent mean?

1. They are entitled to see the baby because they are a close relative?

1. They don't have to help even though they are close relatives?

Make your mind up!!!!

Her comments about your family knowing things she didn't or about the gifts are a bit annoying, but may reflect insecurity rather than anything else. Whatever the reason, you could probably shut them down with a bit of kind straight talking, or ignore them.

I do not think that her complaining to her son about not being able to visit in NICU was unreasonable at all, I'd have done the same if I were her. I think you were perfectly entitled to say no visitors and that is not unreasonable either, but obviously people will be desperate to see the new arrival and are bound to try!

I didn't say they were entitled, I said I think they could have let grandparents visit their grandchildren in NICU.

And nope, grandparents are not responsible for childcare arrangements - if you chose to have children, you are responsible for childcare arrangements, not your parents.

No relatives have to help parents.

Being a grandparent means your child has chosen to have a child. It does not mean you should be expected to provide childcare.

She sounds a right idiot. There's nothing worse than thinking back on things and coming up with responses you should have said.

My worst, and I still annoyed by it and my child is 9, was his Nan on his Dads side didn't send a birthday card for his first birthday. We skyped her on his birthday and she made no reference, no happy birthday or anything. Two weeks later, a card came for him. I phoned her and said the card has arrived, and made a joke about Royal Mail taking their time to deliver it. She asked what I meant, and I said it's two weeks late but not a problem. She hit the roof, called me a liar, asked if I'd purposely tried to make her feel shit, that she couldn't figure out why she has never liked me now she knew, said I was trying to cause a rift between her and grandchild etc etc.

I thought she thought I was only just thanking her. Turns out, she thought his birthday was two weeks later than what it was, when I told her the date she accused me of making it up to make her look bad and insisted his birthday was when she said. For the next 5 years, she sent a card for that date then went no contact!

Lokeki, I thank god you're not my parent/parent in law etc! I hope that when your old and need help etc .... that your kids say ...... not my responsibility get on with it!! Vile attitude to emergency childcare whilst your child stays with their potentially dying child! Hopefully your children will treat you with equal contempt in a crisis.

Does caring for your child stop at a certain age? I gave birth to you, you're 18 now so don't be troubling me with your life changing issues! You had kids, so ones seriously ill, that's not my problem!

We hardly talking about childcare whilst the parents go out for a fucking jolly up!

Again, I'm glad you're not my relative!

OP, the failings were your MILs, you can take comfort that she's in the wrong not you.

I hope your son continues to make progress

I didn't say they were entitled, I said I think they could have let grandparents visit their grandchildren in NICU.

And as other PPs have said - this is often not allowed by the NICU. If they did and her son said 'no' then she should take it up with him, not the Dil upstairs in the NICU

And nope, grandparents are not responsible for childcare arrangements - if you chose to have children, you are responsible for childcare arrangements, not your parents.

Nobody said grandparents are responsible. However having previously made an arrangement to dump and run when a very sick baby is in hospital is a shitty thing to do.

No relatives have to help parents.

No they don't. They don't have to have any contact at all. However in any halfway normal family people do help each other, especially at difficult times. The normal reaction when a family member is going through hell is not to make it all about yourself and your own demands.