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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have given friend a piece of my mind

58 replies

user1499470947 · 08/07/2017 00:44

I have a friend who is beautiful and successful. But I feel she always has to be better than me.

I’ve known her a few years now but since she got her new job it has got worse. I feel that she is very competitive and always competing with everything I say/putting me down/making sure she gets one up on me.

A few examples.

I got a job in the same field as her but her job is in a more prestigious company. We earn practically the same though. She keeps going on about how proud she is of getting a job where she got it and feels she is now set for life.

When I discuss the duties of my job she ALWAYS has to come out with a comment about how she has already done that when training. So if I said my job entails writing x reports I will get’ oh yes I did that when I was training’.

Today she told me her starting salary was really high and then proceeded to ask me what mine was (knowing it was likely much lower).

When I told her what my rent is she proceeded to inform me that where she lives rent would be much higher than that and I’m lucky to live in a cheaper area.

When I discussed my schooling she informed me she went to private school.

When I was training she kept on asking me when I was graduating and I think it was because she wanted to finish before me.

She asked me what working time I do and informed me her job has shorter working hours than mine.

There’s too many examples to name but I just feel that she looks down on me and my job, she has to be better than me. She has to make a competitive and arrogant comment in response to everything I say, particularly about my job. So I told her just that. In response she apologised if she had offended me but has not spoken to me since. I gave her my honest opinion in a restaurant while we were going for food and she changed the subject shortly after and gave me a hug goodbye. No sign of a falling out.

I spoke to our mutual friend about this and he said he felt that my reaction to her comments was more a reflection on my self esteem and opinions about myself and my job. than her trying to compete with her. He said he agreed she was proud of her achievements and did discuss her accomplishments but didn’t see why she shouldn’t be as she is a successful woman. He said that the comments she makes are purely facts and it is my interpretation that she is trying to be ‘better’ than me or compete with me. He did agree she was competitive to an extent, but felt this was a healthy competition and what he would consider normal. I got a job before her after graduating, I didn't make a fuss about it as I knew she was struggling to get work. I am sure if the tables were turned she would have been rubbing it in my face that she had a job.

AIBU to think all this about her? I know you do not know her or me so it’s hard to say, but based on what I’ve written here.

OP posts:
BeccaAnn · 08/07/2017 01:17

ahhh your "friend" is a Blackercat, if you have a black cat, hers is darker. nothing you will ever do or have done will be better than her thing she has done EVER! if you have a 10 hour labour, hers was 14 without any pain intervention, if your DC is in MENSA, hers is at the very top, if you find a cure for the common cold, she did it for all cancer types. I could go on but it's exhausting. Either deal with the comparisons or don't have the friend. doesn't seem like such a loss tbh.
Part of the joy of being an adult is you dont have to be friends with someone if you don't want to!

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/07/2017 01:25

We call them 'two shits'. If you've done a shit...

Some are insecure, some are arrogant but some are doing it because they are just making conversation and are a little tone deaf socially. It depends which you think it is and how much she means to you.

fabulousathome · 08/07/2017 01:28

So tempting to lie and see what she says but yes, she's not a great friend.

Original poster
user1499470947 · 08/07/2017 01:32

The thing is she's down to earth in some ways.

She is absolutely the first person to admit when she's not good at something. Always talks about her struggles and things she finds hard. She will boast about her job but the next sentence will be about how hard she finds being a single mum. So she's not trying to create any great image for herself. She's genuine.

I seem to be the only person who finds her competitive. Everyone else seems to find her lovely. So sometimes I do wonder if it's me. She does make me feel very judged though. I do feel she puts down my job.

It's only career wise that she is like this. Relating to our jobs. She wouldn't compete about boyfriend,houses,family etc

OP posts:
sallyhenderson · 08/07/2017 01:36

She's not boasting. You're taking it so offensively because you are jealous and secretly want what she has.

If you were happy in your job and your success you would not see her comments as 'boasting/competing' because you wouldn't be comparing yourself negatively to her.

sobeyondthehills · 08/07/2017 01:42

I know you do not know her or me so it’s hard to say, but based on what I’ve written here.

I think this bit and then your next post is important.

If I knew either of you, I would be able to give you a proper answer, but as it stands you could either be taking it out of proportion or be very right.

But, the thing is how it makes you feel. If you feel like the friendship is dragging you down, take a step away and stop subjecting yourself to it, imaginary or not. Even if she is genuine, then you are going to keep seeing it as attacks.

If she is attacking you, she probably won't stop.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 08/07/2017 01:55

Does this other friend know you quite well? Think there's some truth in what he says? The very first thing you said about your friend is that she is beautiful. I find this a bit odd in a discussion of her competing with you in your careers. Sounds to me like you already have issues there and are perhaps a bit envious?

I find some people tend to think I'm competing when I'm really not. Any time a mum asks me how my twin babies sleep and I tell them I slept the whole night last night I get the evil/suspicious eye. I'm not competing! Or lying. I'm just saying something nice happened to me.

This is especially the case with certain people I've known who deliberately compared themselves to me. One girl in particular was a nightmare. Anything I said she took as a personal competition. Anything I ate or drank, my friends, what I was studying, what books I read, holidays, plans for the future - just anything! It was so obvious and so painful. Sometimes I wouldn't even mention what I was up to because yes, that podcast I'm listening to is very good and probably does make me sound smarter than her, so she'll think it's a public diss if I mention it in front of friends. She was also a pathological liar and I got her out of my life as soon as I could.

I'm not saying you're like that girl, but I do wonder if you compare yourself to your friend in ways outside your career. Is she in any way a point of reference for how you're doing in life? If so, you need to stop now or your friendship is over. If your other friend is right in thinking you have self-esteem problems that are causing the trouble it might be time to get help.

On the other hand, maybe your friend is very loyal to her company so looks down on yours and isn't good at hiding her contempt. It's not nice, but if her career is her identity it makes sense.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/07/2017 02:19

Whether she's being an 'elevenerife-r' or she's just proud of what she's done (and doesn't realize how she comes off) really doesn't matter. If a friendship doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you.

I had a friend who was that way and even though I knew it was her insecurity that made her have to 'top' everything someone else said or did it was still frustrating. It had nothing to do with my 'self esteem' or lack thereof, it had to do with the fact that it's wearing on your soul to have someone around you who doesn't seem to be able to be happy for what you've done but always has to one-up you. I decided that this friendship wasn't worth it.

Pengggwn · 08/07/2017 06:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chillyegg · 08/07/2017 06:17

Have you thoight maybe your the boastful one talking about all this stuff and shes just trying to.contribute to the conversation while you deliver a monologue.
Also if she talk about strugglimg as a single mum ( im one its fucking hard) maybe she wants to talk about other stuff that makes her feel like a person.
Also you sound very goal orientated why does it matter if you or your friend are achieving x y and z. Your friends just enjoy your time together stop making comparisons because for your friend to say its more you and tour insecurities speaks volumes tbh.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 08/07/2017 06:33

I have to say that as I was reading, before I got to the bit about your other friend, I was thinking this had more to do with you than her.

Does she really say 'oh, you work 40 hours? I work shorter ones' or does she say 'oh, mine are 35'? Big difference IMO. Likewise 'what, you only earn 30k? I earn more than that' vs you 'I'm on 30k', her 'ah right, I'm on 40 atm'. Or 'I went to private school, you know' vs 'oh, you went to Sunnydale Comp? I went to St Wendy's - it was a private girls' school, perhaps you know it?' It's possible that she's giving a fact and you are hearing it as a piece of one-upmanship.

228agreenend · 08/07/2017 06:38

My mum does this. I don't think it's necessarily competiveness. She probably doesn't even realise she's doing it..

If I've done something, do always has done it, or know someone who has done it. I once mentioned injuring myself, and suddenly her joints hurt.

I my admit, I have to check myself that I don't get into the same habit. It's not competiveness, but trying to be included. I try and ask questions and listen, rather than responding. However, I can understand how annoying it is.

Frouby · 08/07/2017 06:42

She's a Tommy Topper OP.

I have one in my life. We have a shared hobby. She did qualifications in the hobby 20 odd years ago and never lets me forget it. I am a self taught idiot but do just fine.

However in recent years I have noticed that if I suggest something she dismisses it then actually implements it herself as though it was her idea. It doesn't matter to me. Things get done the way I want in the end.

Do what I do of she starts Tommying and change the subject.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 08/07/2017 06:56

Is your male friend quite competitive too? Is he present when she puts you down? Do you think he is sensitive enough to fully grasp the dynamics? Do you think there's any truth in his suggestion?

All competition is not healthy competition. There a fine balance. Being extreamly competitive is quite ugly and unhealthy if it involves putting others down. It often relates more to low self esteem.

Does she ever verbally celebrate your achievements? You sense that the conversations aren't normal. You are entitled to feel judged or put down. Maybe she is judging you?

It's odd she's not spoken to you since. If I had upset a good friend, I would try an for work things through. However I wonder if you touched a raw nerve? Or is a bit put out that you've challenged her? Is she waiting for you to make the first move?

Squishedstrawberry4 · 08/07/2017 06:59

You could always agree not to discuss work/money.

WanderingTrolley1 · 08/07/2017 07:01

I'm not surprised she's gone quiet.

Maybe she's simply relaying her experiences with you/adding to a conversation.

I think you have self-esteem issue. That, or you're jealous.

SpareASquare · 08/07/2017 07:04

Based on what you've written, this is ALL about you OP. You should probably apologise and look at working on that self esteem

Confusedandintrigued · 08/07/2017 07:05

I'm baffled.

An objective friend has given you what seems to be thoughtful considered advice. He knows both parties.

And yet you think mumsnetters, who know neither, are going to give you more revealing accurate advice.

ChasedByBees · 08/07/2017 07:16

I know them as Elevenerife too (to I've been to tenerife...)

It doesn't matter whether this is about you or her (although I'd find that type of conversation pretty dull) because you don't like or enjoy it. I'm assuming not everyone is the same in their interactions and you enjoy other people's company. So regardless of who is at 'fault' you don't enjoy meeting up so why should you continue?

MrsKoala · 08/07/2017 07:16

I think all of the things she has said are fairly normal in a conversation. If someone is discussing something surely it's standard to add your experiences of the same thing. If someone told me they were going to Paris for the first time, i'd say 'oh lovely, i've been there too, the x place is great etc'. Depends how you say it tho. If i said 'yeah, well i went there first so nerrr' that would be weird.

TheAntiBoop · 08/07/2017 07:20

A true black Catter will do this with every area of their life so the fact you only notice when it's about money/job suggests this is your issue

Hippychickster · 08/07/2017 07:38

We call them black catters too. If you have a black cat, they have a panther called Midnight.
I can see why it would annoy you OP. It's wearing when someone does this.

Sushi123 · 08/07/2017 07:46

Sounds like your male friend was using her words...

NellieBuff · 08/07/2017 07:46

I think the issue is with yourself. She does not "compete" with you on every level so it is unlikely she is playing a game of one up man ship. I think you will have truly hurt her feelings and you may find her acting coldly to you from now on.

If you were happy with yourself you wouldn't give a fig if she was boasting or not.

happypoobum · 08/07/2017 07:47

I spoke to our mutual friend about this and he said he felt that my reaction to her comments was more a reflection on my self esteem and opinions about myself and my job. than her trying to compete

I think this is quite relevant as your mutual friend, unlike all of us, knows you both and has seen this dynamic in action.

I can't imagine why you are talking about the duties of your jobs etc - it sounds like interminably boring conversation.

As you say your friend is often self deprecating and admits when she has deficiencies I don't think she is necessarily a Blackcatter.

For example, the thing about you being lucky to live in a cheaper area was probably genuinely meant, and you have maybe chosen to take it the wrong way?