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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have given friend a piece of my mind

58 replies

user1499470947 · 08/07/2017 00:44

I have a friend who is beautiful and successful. But I feel she always has to be better than me.

I’ve known her a few years now but since she got her new job it has got worse. I feel that she is very competitive and always competing with everything I say/putting me down/making sure she gets one up on me.

A few examples.

I got a job in the same field as her but her job is in a more prestigious company. We earn practically the same though. She keeps going on about how proud she is of getting a job where she got it and feels she is now set for life.

When I discuss the duties of my job she ALWAYS has to come out with a comment about how she has already done that when training. So if I said my job entails writing x reports I will get’ oh yes I did that when I was training’.

Today she told me her starting salary was really high and then proceeded to ask me what mine was (knowing it was likely much lower).

When I told her what my rent is she proceeded to inform me that where she lives rent would be much higher than that and I’m lucky to live in a cheaper area.

When I discussed my schooling she informed me she went to private school.

When I was training she kept on asking me when I was graduating and I think it was because she wanted to finish before me.

She asked me what working time I do and informed me her job has shorter working hours than mine.

There’s too many examples to name but I just feel that she looks down on me and my job, she has to be better than me. She has to make a competitive and arrogant comment in response to everything I say, particularly about my job. So I told her just that. In response she apologised if she had offended me but has not spoken to me since. I gave her my honest opinion in a restaurant while we were going for food and she changed the subject shortly after and gave me a hug goodbye. No sign of a falling out.

I spoke to our mutual friend about this and he said he felt that my reaction to her comments was more a reflection on my self esteem and opinions about myself and my job. than her trying to compete with her. He said he agreed she was proud of her achievements and did discuss her accomplishments but didn’t see why she shouldn’t be as she is a successful woman. He said that the comments she makes are purely facts and it is my interpretation that she is trying to be ‘better’ than me or compete with me. He did agree she was competitive to an extent, but felt this was a healthy competition and what he would consider normal. I got a job before her after graduating, I didn't make a fuss about it as I knew she was struggling to get work. I am sure if the tables were turned she would have been rubbing it in my face that she had a job.

AIBU to think all this about her? I know you do not know her or me so it’s hard to say, but based on what I’ve written here.

OP posts:

MudCity · 08/07/2017 07:52

She sounds like a bore. I couldn't spend time with anyone that self-obsessed. Neither should you!

supersop60 · 08/07/2017 07:53

OP I can completely understand your frustration.
I see it in two ways: 1) she is insecure - hence the need to feel 'better' than you.
2) she is, as PP have said, just making conversation. What most people would do though, is respond like this - OP - I went to Normal Average School. Friend - Oh did you? what was it like?

OP - do other people make you feel like this? or just this one?

Oh, and most people, after being confronted, would say "I'm so sorry, I didn't even realise I was doing it! More coffee?"

MudCity · 08/07/2017 08:08

If I had friends who spent conversations listing their achievements and reinforcing how successful they are, I would be out of there.

I assume she has gone away to lick her wounds and (hopefully) reflect You held a mirror up to her which was the right thing to do but the consequences of that may be a loss of that friendship. Not to worry though as it couldn't have continued the way it was could it?

user1497357411 · 08/07/2017 08:09

You were right about your female "friend" and your male "friend" was being patronizing. Maybe you need to explain to him that he, obviously, doesn't undersstand the complex social rules that go on in female relationsships (and also perhaps that he better stop talking to you in a patronizing manner)

PoorYorick · 08/07/2017 08:22

AIBU to think all this about her? I know you do not know her or me so it’s hard to say, but based on what I’ve written here.

Well, that's what I'm struggling with. We don't know you guys, but you have a friend who does and he thinks the problem is your self esteem (I'm inclined to agree). So how can we know better, with only one extremely biased side of the story to go on?

I don't have anything to project on this OP, so bearing that in mind I think the problem does sound like it's more to do with you than her. The only thing that I do think is rude is asking your salary, but if you're close and work similar jobs then there might be a context for that.

Other than that, although some of her interactions sound a bit clunky...Honestly, OP, I think you've just got an oversharer. If she is just as happy to talk about what she's bad at and the hard parts of her life, I think she's just one of those people without much filter between her brain and mouth and overspills a bit.

You think that she says things with the specific intention of upsetting you, i.e. it's all about you. From what you've told us, I think she says things without much thought at all. She's just talking. If that's the case, she probably was hurt and upset to find that you think she's doing it out of spite rather than thoughtlessness.

How did you frame the discussion? Did you explain to her how these things make you feel and say that you realise it might not be intentional, or did you accuse her of all sorts of unkindness and "give a piece of your mind"?

Based on this OP, I would probably not want to be close to you either. I wouldn't want to have to guard everything I say because I don't know what your low self esteem might do with it and how it might make you characterise me.

MattBerrysHair · 08/07/2017 08:42

If your friend really was trying to outdo you then she wouldn't speak openly and honestly about her shortcomings. I think she's just being socially clumsy.

I used to do something similar when talking to friends, but I realised that me giving examples of my own experiences regarding a particular issue that a friend had brought up was not being supportive. I thought it was showing that I had empathy and understood what they were going through. Actually it just looked like I was disregarding their feelings and making it about me. That was absolutely not my intention and was gutted when I realised that's how it looked. I'm doing it again now aren't I?

Talk to her about it. Your other friend may have a point about you being oversensitive and interpreting the situation the wrong way.

lynmilne65 · 08/07/2017 09:52

Even if I am 😡 I try to be 🤣 and
😷!!

Trollspoopglitter · 08/07/2017 09:59

So basically, a mutual friend thinks it's you... But you didn't like that, so have come on the Internet to have your feelings validated. Bit fucked up, don't you think?

rollonthesummer · 08/07/2017 10:01

Difficult to tell really without hearing her side or knowing you both. What's the job? Are you looking to move up the career ladder? Are you jealous of her?

Booksandcrocheting · 08/07/2017 10:05

I suspect it's a 50/50 situation - that you are insecure as you perceive her to be more beautiful and successful than you, so you read even innocent comments as having an edge to them - and that she is insecure for whatever reason, and so as a bit insensitive boasting about her job/experience etc. I think if you weren't working in the same field, this wouldn't have been an issue since she is fine about other areas of her life. The professional culture in this sort of job (think I can hazard a guess as to what area of work you are in) can be rather daunting in terms of projecting a professional/resilient facade at all times.

VeuveLilies · 08/07/2017 10:07

Before I got to hear what your male friend said, that's what I was thinking.
It's you, not her.

VeuveLilies · 08/07/2017 10:08

From your first sentence.

sallyhenderson · 08/07/2017 10:18

This.

Blacker cat people don't openly discuss their shortcomings. It is social awkwardness.

DoJo · 08/07/2017 12:02

I can't work out of this is intentionally ironic or not.

BeccaAnn · 08/07/2017 12:58

oh it also doesn't have to be something that's better, a blacker cat-er will have also had things WAYYYYYYYyyyyyy worse.
'My DC has been up since 4am' 'well mine didnt sleep at all';
'I have been diagnosed with >horrible disease

Ohyesiam · 08/07/2017 14:32

I've only read the op, but wondered of you could ask her about it, rather than giving her a piece of your mind. Because as your friend says it could all be your projection. Of course she could be defensive, but often if we show out vulnerability, the friend lets their defence down too.

ittakes2 · 08/07/2017 15:55

To be honest I think it's a bit of both. She may be competitive but I also think you might have some self esteem issues. I ask people who are studying when the are going to finish all the time - I'm trying to sound interested in their goals and I no doubt have asked the same person this same question a few times as I forget the answer and I'm just making conversation. Also, your perception that private school is one upmanship - I don't see it that way. People make decisions to send their children to private schools for all sorts of reasons - including their child is not coping at school and would benefit from the smaller class sizes. So someone telling me they went to private school would not leave me to judge them as saying they were better than me.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 08/07/2017 15:58

Sounds more like your own sense of inferiority. From your examples it sounds like perfectly normal conversation between friends, but you seem determined to see anything she says in a negative light.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 08/07/2017 15:59

Like this:

When I discussed my schooling she informed me she went to private school

So you talked about your schooling, but she isn't allowed to mention hers in response? Or was she supposed to pretend she went to a public school when she didn't, so you don't feel inferior?

NellieFiveBellies · 08/07/2017 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 08/07/2017 16:43

Sorry OP but I also think it's you.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 08/07/2017 16:49

I imagine you upset her very much with your "honest opinion" and its not surprising she hasn't spoken to you since. She'll never speak to you again.

KurriKurri · 08/07/2017 17:13

Quite a few of the examples you give seem perfectly fine to me - depending on the context (which you don't give). If the conversation generally turned to schools, or you brought up schools then her saying she was educated privately is fine - it's just a fact. If she suddenly says 'Oh what school did you go to, mine was a private school I expect you went to the local comp. because you are a pleb' then that's a different scenario.

The thing is either she is a one upper and that's always going to annoy you, or she's not and you are totally misinterpreting her remarks because you have ishoos and she's always going to be treading on eggshells round you. Either way doesn't sound like much fun for you or her, so I'd wind up the friendship.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 08/07/2017 17:15

I'd say winding up the friendship was done already....

Doobigetta · 08/07/2017 17:24

No job is for life any more, especially an interesting, well-paid one at a prestigious company. Even if they never hit a rocky patch, most companies like to shake things up and restructure every few years, and sooner or later one of those will result in your/her redundancy. Don't sweat it.

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