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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do your children say please and thank you?

82 replies

Whichwayyisup · 07/07/2017 19:15

My friend has 2 dcs aged 7 and 9.

They are nice enough children in that they don't swear or hit (although they hit each other quite a lot!) but they don't seem to have a grasp of manners.

They rarely engage in conversation with adults but will interrupt conversations to get their mum's attention. They will either just stare at anyone who tries to engage with them or completely ignore.

Also they never say please or thank you. I bought them an ice cream this afternoon and they both just grabbed it from my hands.

Friend didn't say anything. Just smiled indulgently and praised them for being hungry and eating well

AIBU to think that they are old enough to have some basic manners?

OP posts:

AnneElliott · 07/07/2017 21:03

My DS always says it. It's something I was keen on- I can't stand people who are rude.

My mother was always pushing the manners thing and my brother once arrived at a kids birthday party and said to the mum "Bedfore I forget, thanks for having me, I had a lovely time"

Lindy2 · 07/07/2017 21:04

At 6 and 9 my two double remember to say please and thank you pretty much all the time. It has taken years of reminding them though to become ingrained. If your friend"save children aren't reminded by her they are not going to learn good manners.
My two will also chat to adults although my youngest would be a bit shy if she didn't know you well.
As for interrupting though....all the time! It drives me crazy and constant reminders not to or to even say excuse me seem to be forgotten in seconds.

thethoughtfox · 07/07/2017 21:09

Mine is just 4 and always says it. Needs a few gentle reminder here and there but says it most of the time.

Love51 · 07/07/2017 21:10

One of my kids refused to say 'please' to the childminder (he wanted seconds of lunch), he hadn't forgotten, he was testing boundaries. She very apologetically told me she hadn't given him any, as she knew I always insisted on mine using manners. It's actually because as a child I didn't know the term 'You're welcome'. I heard it at a friends house, and for some reason thought it meant I shouldn't have said thank you. So I stopped saying thank you, then was embarrassed. I basically insist on 'thank you' so I can say You're welcome.

Being British I've had entire conversations with shop assistants which only used the words 'thank you' in different tones.

SoftSheen · 07/07/2017 21:14

Yes (with a few reminders). They are aged 6.4 and 2.6.

It is entirely forgivable for tiny children (under 5s) to sometimes forget or be too shy to say thank you. However, I would certainly expect a 7 year old and a 9 year old to have a grasp of basic manners.

requestingsunshine · 07/07/2017 21:24

I can't stand bad manners. All mine would say please and thank you from when they were able to speak them. Prompted when real little but by age 4 they would say them unprompted.

My dd has a friend who has never uttered a please or a thank you. It's just bad manners and not doing the child any favours by not teaching them these things. It's such a simple thing to teach I really don't understand parents who don't teach their kids manners.

Original poster

Whichwayyisup · 07/07/2017 21:24

Their dad just says they'll learn by the time they leave home

I mean, how? If parents don't teach manners isn't it unreasonable to expect that children will magically learn on their own?

OP posts:

GreeboIsACutePussPuss · 07/07/2017 21:26

I work in a primary school, I would say less than half remember to say please and thank you unprompted, even prompted there are a few that look at you blankly.

My own DC were both taught to say ta as soon as they started talking, I can't remember exactly when we moved on to please and thank you but I stopped having to remind them before they started school. With my youngest I used to say 'uh manners' rather than what's the magic word as when she was about 2 my baby brother (who was about 11) taught her that the magic word was 'yoink', apparently it took an entire pack of rolos to make it stick but at 8 if you ask her what the magic word is she will still grin and say yoink.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 07/07/2017 21:40

Mine (7 and 4) do need reminding sometimes.

theredjellybean · 07/07/2017 21:44

My dd2 aged 18 has had a bestfriend for last 7 yrs who has never said please or thankyou to me for anything from sleepovers to holidays... Yet her parents are lovely and effusively thank me...while their daughter just stands there. I do not like her because of it.

Louiselouie0890 · 07/07/2017 22:00

Wow my two year old says please and thankyou

Malfoyy · 07/07/2017 22:23

My 4.5 year old manages this. He gets nothing without!

I learnt the same way!

Prometheus · 07/07/2017 22:32

My 7 year old says please and thank you all the time. My 4.5 year old never says it. Same genes, same upbringing. We remind him all the time and insist he says it before we get him anything or do anything for him. It still doesn't seem to get through to him though.

dimdommilpot · 07/07/2017 22:41

6yr old always, 3yr old sometimes needs reminding but more often than not she remembers.

kaytee87 · 07/07/2017 22:42

My ds is only 11mo so no but my 2.5yo nephew does without prompting nearly every time.

kaytee87 · 07/07/2017 22:43

I think often adults forget to say please and thank you to their children and they won't learn if parents don't lead by example

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 07/07/2017 22:47

DS is unfailingly.polite, he has had it drummed into him by us all his life, plus his older brothers were very strict on manners when they looked after him. DSS2 will even now pull DS up if he thinks DS is ungrateful for something me or DH do for him, even though DS is 17.

His work experience placement feedback was that he had lovely manners, I was really pleased with that.

thenewaveragebear1983 · 07/07/2017 22:53

My ds age 5 is ridiculously polite, even saying 'you're welcome' in his cute squeaky voice if anyone says thanks to him adorable

Ds age 22 months says 'bees' when he really really wants something. He is learning that he needs to say it because now we remind him (if that makes sense?) but I think it starts at this age.

A friend came round with her 7 and 5 year old for tea and they didn't say please once. It was jarringly obvious and made them seem incredibly rude.

Cooroo · 07/07/2017 23:04

I said please and thank you to my DD from birth and she has always had good manners. Even now she's a 20yo metal head. I think example works better than nagging, though I probably dished out the odd reminder from time to time v

YouTheCat · 07/07/2017 23:08

My non-verbal ds (22) uses the Makaton for 'please' and 'thank you'. If he can do it, with his difficulties, then all children can do it and should do it.

Marmalady75 · 07/07/2017 23:09

My 2 year old says "peas" and "tank oo". My niece and nephew are 10 and 11. I don't think I've ever heard them say please and I've only heard a few thank yous. It annoys me, but I've had dirty looks from my soul and her dh when I've pulled them up about it. I now try to let it go. They can come across as cheeky and lacking in manners in other ways too. I'm a primary teacher and I insist on good manners in my classroom.

Marmalady75 · 07/07/2017 23:10

sil not soul

ilovevenice · 07/07/2017 23:46

I have literally never given my children anything without waiting for them to say please/thank you - they are 10, 8 and 6 (boys) and I am a bit depressed reading this as they STILL need reminding sometimes (it's been years of reinforcement ffs!). I do think it really is very important.

Bananamama1213 · 08/07/2017 00:14

I get so many comments when people have my 5 year old over for tea.

Recently we had "we couldn't believe how polite and well behaved he is. he's a credit to you"
We've also had "could I have some mayo please.. thank you"

Earlier today, we got his school report. I showed my grandparents and my mum.
My nanny said "for doing so well, I'm going to give you some money to treat yourself".
Soon as she handed it to him; he gave her a kiss and a cuddle, and said thank you.
We left around 10 minutes after and as we left the gate, he turned around and said "thank you nanny, for my pennies"

I always remind my children to say please and thank you. Especially if somebody gives them something.
But I don't usually have to remind them as they've been brought up right!

dinahmorris · 08/07/2017 00:26

DNiece is 4 and she always says please / thank you. I remember watching a battle with my mum over a biscuit where DM wouldn't let her have it til she said thank you. I felt a bit sorry for a DNiece because it took about half an hour but it worked! (DSis was there and totally approved btw.)

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