To think my husband is an arse for going to wedding without me?

[Mumoftheark]

My husband last week has told me that he is in a considerable amount of debt (CONSIDERABLE) I'm still not clear on what it's from, he's spinning me lines that don't add up or make sense.
We have 2 children and another on the way. Last week he flew off the handle because I saw a pram in the sale I said we should look at saying we can't afford it etc etc.

We had previously been invited to his cousins wedding overseas, and need to rsvp this weekend. I said today that In the circumstances I can't afford to go - he's decided to go without me regardless! I'm absolutely fuming.
If he doesn't have money for a pram how can he have money to go to a wedding abroad of a cousin he hasn't seen in about 9 years 😡 surely as husband and wife it should be a case of we either both go or none of us do. If it was a childcare issue or something I'd be ok with him going alone but the fact is it's financial and I am the only only one prepared to make sacrifices for a debt that I had nothing to do with.

AIBU to think he should not be going?

Yanbu, obviously.

He really needs to be honest with you about the amount of debt.
I would personally burn his passport (because I'm childish!). He cannot afford to attend the wedding so he cannot go.
Same rules for the pram you see. You can't afford it so you can't have it.

Yanbu of course. It's just a matter of getting him accept it I think.

I don't think it's an issue of him going without you, the issue is him supposedly not having the money to buy a pram for his child but he has the money to go abroad for a wedding. YANBU in these circumstances. To get into a considerable amount of debt he clearly has problems prioritising spending, and attending a wedding overseas should not be a priority over paying off debts and buying things for the new baby.

Yanbu. do you have a joint account you can check? credit/debit cards?

Has he been frank about the level of the debt and how it was incurred? Sorry, you've said it was horrendous and he's spinning you a line.

Is there anyone else apart from MN you can talk to - eg any mutual friends/family? Is he gambling?

Horrendous position for you to be in esp if pregnant, but can you talk to him calmly and put your position? Or ask him if he's costed his visit to Italy? tell him you'll go too (and that you've sorted child care)?

Sympathies, OP.

Presumably if you already have two children then you already have a pram so don't need another one.

I don't really think the pram is the issue...

Thanks everyone.

He's just been honest about the amount (I think) but not where it's come from. Well he's attempting to say how but it's not in any way adding up.

We don't have joint accounts or anything.

Pram wise our children are not of buggy age so I definitely need one of some description.

The financial infidelity is huge in my books.
What kind of debt and why was it incurred.
I'd be concerned he would leave and not return forcing you to deal with all the mess.

What was his response when you said 'if we can't afford a pram, we can't afford for you to go abroad to a randomers wedding'?

If you cannot afford a pram for your forthcoming baby then he cannot afford to go to this wedding. Plain and simple. That he cannot see this is very worrying. Has he booked flights yet?

While he is away I would be going through his bank statements. .
It may be that you won't want him to return...

If money wasn't an issue I don't see the problem with him going alone, I dont think it has to be husband and wife or nothing.

He is being massively unreasonable to go with your current finances though, debts and your baby should be coming first no questions asked. This is presumably why he has these debts because he's not prioritising or he's spending money on a whim. Oversees weddings are nice if you can afford it but they are not a priority or a necessity. If he says his cousin will be offended if he doesn't go, just remind him that if people have weddings abroad not everyone will be able to go, that's a simple fact.

Bloody selfish if him to refuse you and baby a pram, now that is an essential.

YANBU.

Hide/burn/accidentally wash his passport in his trousers, and buy the pram.

Have you done his credit score to check?

He doesn't care about your wants, he's financially stupid and has got himself and you in the shit. Why do you think that this will be any different now you know? He should wise up, be sorry and grovel? It's not going to happen.

How come you told him YOU can't afford to go? Is it not family money? Surely it's a case of WE can't go?

YANBU.

He is being ridiculously selfish!

Don't try to prevent him going. Use the time while he's away to investigate what he's been up to and think about whether or or you can be with this man long term.

Definitely not BU OP. He can't go. Simple as!

Yvetteballs is bang on ...

this is your opportunity to find out exactly what is happening x

He's in considerable debt, you need a pram and he wants to spend £hundreds on a trip to a wedding? He needs a reality check. YADNBU, not remotely!

Don't burn his passport, technically illegal, but rain down all kinds of other fire. Please tell me he's not actually booked yet?

Perhaps you should tell him that if he goes under the circumstances, (hiding debt, refusing to discuss, not letting you purchase baby essentials while pissing off to a holiday/wedding on his own for someone he hasn't seen in 9 years, etc), then you will likely think he is being deceptive and is not committed to the marriage and you will be consulting a divorce solicitor. And he should make arrangements to stay elsewhere upon his return.

Why won't he show you evidence and explain how this debt came about? Has he developed an addiction (e.g. gambling?). He is putting his wants (going to the wedding) above you and your DC's needs (money for baby stuff etc)

You MUST sort this out. He has to be honest about your financial situation and you need to wotk out a plan and budget together - good luck.