To think my husband is an arse for going to wedding without me?

[Mumoftheark]

My husband last week has told me that he is in a considerable amount of debt (CONSIDERABLE) I'm still not clear on what it's from, he's spinning me lines that don't add up or make sense.
We have 2 children and another on the way. Last week he flew off the handle because I saw a pram in the sale I said we should look at saying we can't afford it etc etc.

We had previously been invited to his cousins wedding overseas, and need to rsvp this weekend. I said today that In the circumstances I can't afford to go - he's decided to go without me regardless! I'm absolutely fuming.
If he doesn't have money for a pram how can he have money to go to a wedding abroad of a cousin he hasn't seen in about 9 years 😡 surely as husband and wife it should be a case of we either both go or none of us do. If it was a childcare issue or something I'd be ok with him going alone but the fact is it's financial and I am the only only one prepared to make sacrifices for a debt that I had nothing to do with.

AIBU to think he should not be going?

I think you can see how he got in debt. What an idiot.

I seriously think I'd be telling him that if he goes not to come back.

What can he be thinking??

L T B

He's going anyway (most likely). As Yvette says, use the time to find out what he's been up to.

My ex claimed it was all my fault we were hugely in debt. I'd buy a coffee at Costas, a coat for the baby, maybe a magazine. Tens of thousands of £'s worth apparently. I still don't know how he spent that much (eating out and drinking but I think there must also have been gambling or drugs or paying for sex).

Use the time to seriously ponder if you wish to go on. I know ltb is a huge decision, but financial impropriety is exhausting and will be really hard on your kids.

When I divorced my income was cut in half but after the divorce I could buy clothes for the kids when I wanted, and never had to return a trolley of groceries due to exh's mystery spending.

Book or ask someone to babysit your children, take him out for a walk or somewhere quiet and look him in the eye and demand the truth, not just half or a little bit that suits. The whole truth.

When you know where the debt has come from, you will have at least one more problem to contend with (gambling, addiction, drugs, another woman) and this needs to be considered in the action that you take once you know what is going on.

It is not acceptable to lie to you about debt, or about how it came about..nor is it acceptable to refuse to buy a pram and then spend the same money going overseas. His priorities are completely wrong.

There might be a point when you have to say to him that you absolutely can not agree to the wedding trip, and if he chooses to go then he will deal with the consequences. Those consequences are up to you Op, but his dishonesty and a lack of commitment can not be allowed to carry on.

He's clearly immature, irresponsible and utterly selfish. I don't even know what to suggest. :( I feel very bad for you.

I don't think the wedding or pram is the issue - it's the fact that somehow he's run up a very considerable debt that is going to have a massive impact on your family finances but you don't know how or where he ran it up. I've run stupid debts up on credit cards and store cards as I'm always buying things I don't really need, and my DH is amazing at keeping the reins on me and we have completely honesty and trust. I think he needs to be honest too, and tell you how he's amassed this. If he won't then I'd be very concerned about his ability to admit a problem and deal with it. I'm sorry you're pregnant and dealing with this crap .

Would he be getting any pressure from his mother etc to go to this wedding? Even so him swanning off to a wedding abroad after saying there's no money for a pram is ridiculously unfair and selfish.

YANBU
Has he got an addiction, what is your marriage like generally?
It doesn't sound a healthy relationship tbh.

milliemolliemou how do you know the wedding is in Italy?

Are the debts in his name only?

The fact he's not saying why it's for is worrying...gambling? Drugs? Prostitutes?

My trust would be broken and I would leave him.

Banff All overseas weddings that feature in AIBU are in Italy, it's the law.

Like the one a few weeks ago where someones FIL was demanding that the OP's strapped for cash family and some elderly infirm relatives attend, was designated as being in Italy, without the OP mentioning the location.

Is there really a wedding or is he using it as a cover story to jet off with another woman, hence unaccountable debt?

My first thought was hide his passport or call groom and say there's been a mistake and he can't afford to go, but actually, having him out the way while you investigate is a good idea! If he's this reckless and doesn't have a good explanation for the debt, could it be gambling?

I know this is tangential to the main issue, but do consider buying a used pram/buggy. I bought a Phil & Teds buggy off Ebay for 20 quid. It's been around the block a few times, but for something that costs upwards of 500 when new it's been a great deal. The guy even dropped it off at our place for us.

And all the best with your OH - what a massive knob.

Has he always been selfish?

Thanks for your replies everyone. Really appreciate it.

Someone mentioned financial infidelity and you've got it spot on. I feel like I've been cheated on, I can deal with what ever the reason for the debt but what I can not live with is lies and denial. He's completely broken my trust and I feel like I don't even know him.

The debts are essentially all in his name but surely as his wife that technically makes them mine as well so doesn't really matter.

He works away Monday - Friday and none of his paper work is even here. I've never thought that odd because I never had reason to, but now it makes sense, he's clearly been hiding it for a reason. I do plan however to tell him to get the past years worth of statements and bring them home so I can go over them.

At the moment I'm just so angry the wedding is just the icing on the cake. I'm so close to walking away but I also know being pregnant isn't the best time to make major choices like ending a marriage. If however he can't be completely transparent then I don't feel like I have much choice. I also don't know if I want him back if he goes to this wedding either.
I don't know if the debts just him almost trying to keep up with the jones if you like. He works with a group of very wealthy people from an entirely different background to his - most o which are yet to have children. I've seen them go out and buy bottles of expensive champagne without a thought. I'm wondering now if maybe DH is going out during the week when he's away and is carrying on in the same way when he clearly can't afford to. He does have a lot of pride and wouldn't want his peers to think he wasn't able to keep up.

I'd like to say it's definitely not sex another family gambolling etc, but right now I feel like I don't even no him so who the hell knows what he's been hiding. Could be anything really

Ps wedding isn't in Italy lol

Sorry this is happening.
He's an are yes!
But you need to talk to Him.
Tell him you feel he betrayed your trust.
Also I don't know how you handle your money but our money is exactly that- OURS. There's no I can't afford it or you can't afford it. It's either we have the money to go to the wedding or we don't.
You should be a unit whether you have separate accounts or not. I believe you should be a team and transparent with money to each other.
Oh and I would go buy the pram right now.
Seen as money isn't an issue for him anymore and he can afford the wedding 😂 but I'm also childish like that.
It's totally unfair and it sounds almost like he has a big debt but you should suffer for it... redicilous.
Talk to him. Xx

I hope it is just a "keeping up with the colleagues thing". However, he has still let your family down - that is money that should have been going to help the family not squandered to save "face". He needs to grow up, show some maturity.

When I worked with people like that putting pressure to go out. I would bow out but I would regularly tell them I had left money behind the bar for the first round (cheaper than Bolly and restaurant meals all night) but that I couldn't stay (I would go home or to my hotel room) but hoped they had a good time. They still liked me.

Good luck OP hope you get it sorted

@WhateverNameIsStillAvailable thank you. I feel like the money should be OURS as well.
He's made me feel really stupid if I'm honest. He's always said he didn't want a join account because my credit rating wasn't great. That's not because I haven't paid bills it's because I haven't had much credit - always lived within my means. I only recently got a credit card with a terrible interest rate to start improving my score, but only spend on it what I can afford to pay back each month. It hurts that's he's made such a thing about my credit rating and as his is really good has made me feel pretty shitty about mine, when actually the real reason he hasn't wanted a joint account is so he can hide the finances and control everything so I've been unaware of what's going on. Because I've believed it's down to me I've never pushed to look into the finances because I thought he had it under control. The money that comes in is from him working, he transfers money into my account as and when I need it, our rent and utilities are being paid so there was no reason for me to have to worry or not trust him.
I've always been dealt independent and had my own money until we had our second child and we decided I'd stay at home. Now I'm expecting number 3 I can't even get a job as know one will employ a pregnant women. Few completely trapped.

I'm sorry Mumoftheark, he's not acting like he's in a partnership.

Why has he told you now? What prompted him to confess?

If he's still jetting off to the wedding then it's not that he's reformed.

If he's not willing to sit down with you and go through his banking with you to show you exactly how this debt was accumulated and the true amount then, pregnant or no, I'd consider leaving or trying to get him to leave. Sometimes you just have to think about yourself.

I think you should tell him 'you show me yours, I'll show you mine' as far as finances go. Make it a mutual thing and see what he says. If he says 'no' when you've offered mutual transparency then you'll know the debt was not accrued 'honestly' (i.e. frittering away on meals out, 'boys' holidays, expensive clothes, or 'gadgets') and that he has something to hide about what he spent the money on.

As far as your liability, IMO you need to see either a financial counselor or a solicitor. You absolutely need to know what your liability might be and/or how to protect yourself in the future.

Wow what a dick. Please don't breed any more with this guy

So sorry OP. You are right to be angry & hurt. I think this would be a deal-breaker for me & it's even worse he's not remorseful & wants to waste money on an overseas holiday!