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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is why women don't leave their abusive husbands.

73 replies

OohMavis · 07/07/2017 10:47

Because if they're forced to flee, leaving everything behind because they're in danger, they will be completely left to rot.

This is what's happening to my friend. She's left him, he attacked their child and she went to stay miles away with her brother in a tiny one-bedroom flat. She and her four children are sleeping on a sofabed in his living room.

The nearest refuge with space is in Wales, we're in the southeast. There is no emergency housing available. She's been given precisely nothing in the way of emergency funds, been told they'll (the council) give her a bond deposit scheme and housing benefit that won't even cover half the rent for a house that will be suitable, or even one that will not be suitable. Not that she can find a place, landlords openly declare they won't take the bond scheme OR housing benefit tenants.

So she's fucked. Skint. Homeless. The kids are traumatised and nobody can do anything.

She isn't considering going back to him, but it's so easy to see why she would.

OP posts:

wordsareeverything · 07/07/2017 10:56

That's awful.
I used to work in housing (in the South East!) and families fleeing violence often returned to perpetrators of abuse because of the really crap emergency housing they were placed in or being so far from support networks of placed out of area. No refuse space ever.
OP, the council have to offer emergency housing if there is police evidence of the abuse as she has dependents. Is it because the housing offered is poor quality or out of area? Have they applied for permanent council accommodation? They might get a higher banding due to overcrowding. Has she got support from womens aid or similar?

wordsareeverything · 07/07/2017 10:57

*Refuge

Good of you to be concerned about her & the kids.

araiwa · 07/07/2017 11:27

Is the fact that she is staying with family counting against her? Only thing i can think of why shes not top of a list

AnyFucker · 07/07/2017 11:59

That is terrible

PacificDogwod · 07/07/2017 12:02

That is awful.
And I hope she finds more help soon.

There are of course wider political and economic reasons for why support/housing etc etc are quite as bad.

And reasons why people don't leave abusive relationships are very complex, not just practical.

But, yes, that's crap.

NameChanger22 · 07/07/2017 12:04

That's terrible.

Women are often financially unable to leave, but they still should.

PoisonousSmurf · 07/07/2017 12:05

Always amazes me that women who end up like this seem to have large families, but no one seems to go out of their way to help.
Ok, they do in a 'practical' sort of way by letting them stay for a few months. But this is why councils won't give housing. They have family!
If every member of said family paid £100 towards a deposit, then maybe the abused woman could have time to look for a job, get herself back on her feet and rent privately?
Don't expect the council to help. If they know you have friends or family, you're on your own!

MyheartbelongstoG · 07/07/2017 12:11

Can she get a job?

How old are the children?

QuiteLikely5 · 07/07/2017 12:14

Can't she try a different local authority?

Can she contact Womand Aid?

alltoomuchrightnow · 07/07/2017 12:14

this is why I went back to abusive then fiance. I got no help, as no children, no priority. The jobcentre etc were horrendous and I'd left with the clothes on my back. I went back for some months but did end up leaving him for good.
I did end up with parents for a few months but that was awful, I'd have been better off homeless.
I was the one had to leave, as it was his social housing.
The police were dreadful too and put me in danger

WinnieTheWitch50 · 07/07/2017 12:20

It's a horrendous situation to be in I had to move hundreds of miles away when I fled violent ex p. The dcs and I literally had the clothes we were standing in. Luckily my family pooled funds so I could get a deposit for a rental property and I managed to get a budgeting loan from DWP for essentials, they don't exist anymore so god knows what these poor woman do if they have no access to funds.

dataandspot · 07/07/2017 12:21

Name change 22

How can you say woman are often financially unable to leave but still should?!

What are they and their children going to live on ? Fresh air?!

DJBaggySmalls · 07/07/2017 12:23

Some women who flee have to leave their job as well. It makes them look flaky to employers. Its terrifying to have to pack a bag and walk out of your life.

anonymice · 07/07/2017 12:24

Women are often financially unable to leave, but they still should.
HOW?

SerfTerf · 07/07/2017 12:26

DV should give her top priority in any LA area she applies to for housing and I think it's still the case that as a woman fleeing DV she can pick any area she likes and doesn't have to prove a local connection.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/07/2017 12:26

How awful. No wonder women stay put for these depressingly practical reasons (and many other psychological reasons as well of course after being abused)

SerfTerf · 07/07/2017 12:30

Here.

http://m.england.shelter.org.uk/get advice/homelessness/helppfrom theecouncil whennhomeless/localconnection

Maybe a neighbouring borough could work if they have (comparatively) less housing pressure?

SaucyJack · 07/07/2017 12:30

Er, yep.

Also, the Pope's Catholic.

Honeybee79 · 07/07/2017 12:32

So sorry your friend is going through this. Horrific.

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/07/2017 12:32

My friend fled her abusive husband in the middle of the night, without shoes on. Drove around all night, went to local council offices in the morning as soon as they opened, only to be told to 'go home and try to be nicer to him', as they refused to house her and her son.

He beat her up regularly, but council told her she'd made herself homeless and therefore didn't qualify for housing.

She stayed with friends, basically sofa surfing (didn't want to leave the area because it would have meant losing her job) until she'd saved up enough for a private rental. Absolutely horrific treatment on behalf of local services, I was appalled.

FreesiaPear · 07/07/2017 12:33

I followed police advice and moved out. I'm now living a huge distance from school, and in one bedroom with child.

A few months later my controlling abusive exH is applying for a gun licence.

I've phoned the firearms department. They had no formal way of me registering concerns. Because I am no longer in the house, I can't object. DD can't object either because she is under 18, even though she has to spend time with her father.

Now I wonder if DD would have been better protected if I had stayed.

I fear for my life, the life of family members who have taken me in, and for the life of my daughter. It does not surprise me that women stay or that two women a week are killed by partners or ex partners.

Yet I'm still surprised that woman might be me. Until you're facing it, it is just a statistic.

Sprinklestar · 07/07/2017 12:34

Did she report him? Why can't she go back to the house but have him forcibly removed if there's evidence of child abuse?

Ilove · 07/07/2017 12:34

I'm not in the SE, we are in W Yorks, and I understand she probably won't want to move.

Bit I have a 2 bed property currently up for rent, we take DSS, and are willing to work with and help her to be able to pay her bond etc in instalments. We've done it before.

Once, I was your friend. This is why we help.

Feel free to PM me if you think she would like to know any more.

SerfTerf · 07/07/2017 12:36

I followed police advice and moved out. I'm now living a huge distance from school, and in one bedroom with child.

Yes I did similar. More than 15 years later I still resent/regret that I allowed US to be removed from our area and networks and he sailed on as he was.

Vanillaisboring666 · 07/07/2017 12:36

How can she work when she has small children ? No home and no childcare ?? Poor lady . I hope she soon gets the help she deserves

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