to think this is why women don't leave their abusive husbands.

[OohMavis]

Because if they're forced to flee, leaving everything behind because they're in danger, they will be completely left to rot.

This is what's happening to my friend. She's left him, he attacked their child and she went to stay miles away with her brother in a tiny one-bedroom flat. She and her four children are sleeping on a sofabed in his living room.

The nearest refuge with space is in Wales, we're in the southeast. There is no emergency housing available. She's been given precisely nothing in the way of emergency funds, been told they'll (the council) give her a bond deposit scheme and housing benefit that won't even cover half the rent for a house that will be suitable, or even one that will not be suitable. Not that she can find a place, landlords openly declare they won't take the bond scheme OR housing benefit tenants.

So she's fucked. Skint. Homeless. The kids are traumatised and nobody can do anything.

She isn't considering going back to him, but it's so easy to see why she would.

I work very closely with a large women's refuge service in the north-west. We are always, ALWAYS, at full capacity. The current problem is that because of the benefits cap, we cannot move women on to independent housing once they have had the support they need, because there is no social housing available and they can't afford private rental. At a recent meeting with a housing officer for the council, we were told that the only affordable housing for our service users is in Hull. 100 miles away. It's ridiculous. Meanwhile there are women who desperately need our refuge space, who can't access it. I'd like to say it will take a death to make this a priority, but there are deaths every week from abusive partners, and yet here we are.

ILove

@Janeismymiddlename, your post should be pinned something.

SomeWHERE^

Have a look at Part Time Working Mummy's page on Facebook. She may be able to help or know who could.

Often councils will help in another area if you have family there,and need support,
My local concil do this, i wonder if her brother can appeal to his local council and say she needs his support, as she was being abused in her relationship and had to move urgently away from domestic violence
Also councils can give money towards a bond, again ours do, not sure if all councils do it,
If no council housing they might help with a private let, again ours do this
I hope this lady can get some help
I have been in this situation myself in the past

I stayed because I thought I was worthless. I also stayed as had no where else to go.

I did get away a few times, but family I stayed with made it clear I'd made my bed and had to go back as I was out staying my welcome.

Last time I left, I refused to go back. Worked all day, and worked all evening to save up and get out. Couldn't have done it without tax credits though.

If I hadn't stayed with family, I would have been screwed and homeless.

This is so sad.

So many men hurt women. And so many women can't get help they need. It's never as simple as just leave.

Happened to my mum, and I agree with you.
I'm one of 4 'kids', and my dad was very abusive (emotionally, physically, all aspects).
He broke her wrist once, pushed her down the stairs and punched her in the face (to name a few). Would also hit us or scare us often.
My mum or neighbours would call the police, and he would be released with a warning each and every time.
We lived in a council property, and my mum couldn't have him removed at all. He'd smash the door down, and break windows to get in if she locked him out. She had no family or friends to help, so we stayed and endured this for the whole of our childhood.
I moved out at 17, to live with my boyfriend (now DH). My mum and dad still live together with one of my siblings, and as far as I can tell there isn't any physical violence anymore since my mum started fighting back (when I was about 15ish). They just have screaming matches.
That being said me and my siblings should never have been left in that environment, but I understand why my mum didn't leave or felt that she couldn't. I don't know how social services didn't pick up on all this though.
All 4 of us 'kids' have some form of mental health, mostly depression and/or anxiety.
I wish more could be done to help those in abusive relationships. I'm sorry to hear about your friends situation OP, I hope she is able to move on and not return.

Yes, he's been arrested and released. There were witnesses and the school and social services were/are supporting them, but there's nothing they can do. There are no houses.

She's been told she can't join a housing register because she had rent arrears, does anyone know if they can do that? She had rent arrears because he took all the fucking money they had and didn't give her a penny of it. She had to borrow month-to-month for food and rent.

It just seems so unfair and hopeless.

Thank you for the offer upthread, I will show her. I do think it will be too far, though at this point I think she'll consider anything.

Notknown brilliant post.

0808 2000 247 - national domestic violence helpline, its 24 hours a day
Keep calling, every day, refuge space turns over quickly and whilst there may not be space today, there well could be tomorrow

In the meantime, involve as many services as possible - ss, health visitor etc as they can help look and apply (friendly) pressure when needed too

@WomblingThree

'Notknown'; brilliant post.

Thank you.

Freesia pear

How on earth do you cope with the gun situation?

@topofthemorningtoyou

The UK has no statute of limitations

This is awful. I wish people would donate more to causes like this, it's a service that is so much in need. I was extremely lucky when I left my abusive ex because I was pregnant but didn't have any children. It meant I was able to stay in a tiny grotty bedsit as a single person, in a house share that wouldn't have been suitable for a small family. And I was able to get back on my feet quickly by going to work, without the worry of childcare. Then once my baby was born, it was fairly easy to get a council house which was prioritized to me as a DV victim. And I was able to stay on benefits so I could provide a stable home life and focus on recovery - and it was enough money to keep us fed and clothed. I don't think that is possible these days. If I hadn't had those options available to me I probably would have had to stay, and I would still be stuck there now, putting up with the punches and kicks and verbal abuse and my poor DD would have to witness all of it and she would probably have ended up being victimized too.

@Ilove

I'm sorry for what your friend is going through OP. I will be thinking of her and hoping life improves for her family and that she starts to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Like others here I have experienced similar to your friend. I was emotionally and financially abused for over a decade , it took the beginning of similar cruelty to my ds for me to see how wrong it all was and that I had to make it stop. I was fortunate to have family nearby with a spare room that they allowed me and my dcs to sleep in while we recovered and I found work (for years I was the 'little woman' and kept in my place so had no skills for work or money). I'm still paying off debts I incurred while with that abusive man , I'll be free from them in under a year.

The lack of support I found frustrating was with regards to contact. My ex continued to abuse my ds during contact and because he was prepped by his dad to say positive things to cafcas my ex gained more and more access with each court visit. It's only improved now that my son is practically a man , thought he emotional damage is done and I felt powerless to stop it when it was happening.

I'm not sure what my point is OP but I wanted to post a message of support and hopefully show that there is hope , it's a long road though.

Is she sorted at all?

Yes, she is! Thank you so much everyone for your advice on this thread. I advised her to get in touch with social services in her new area and they stepped. Turns out they must have had a three-bedroom house hiding under a huge rock or something, because she's getting the keys tomorrow. She's so relieved, it's unbelievable.

That's wonderful.

It does seem obvious but it's probably not, having somewhere to go is essential to leaving.

The work thing should be more obvious too. Holding a job down when you are being abused is difficult, then explaining frequent job changes to employers is difficult. Then frequent absences.

I don't have a solution or even a suggestions, jut trying to get a job when I left one because I literally didn't have the bus afire to get there or the money to phone in, another because I was enjoying it too much so had to quit at no notice to prove myself and another because of frequent absences because there's no explanation for being black and blue.

Thank you for supporting your friend.

Brilliant news!

Wishing her best of luck going forward.

IME much as so many services have suffered severely in the last 10 years or so, some help is out there but she will have to hunt it down, it won't find her.

OP, hope your friend gets the help she needs. Apparently, this housing association is open for 24 hours.

I worked in LA Homelessness for 14 years. Women fleeing DV who got help

Came in with a letter from relative saying Im not keeping her anymore don't send her back. Kicked up a fuss and went straight to her MP if help wasn't immediate (it triggers a 'Members' Enquiry' , which management hate, as MP goes straight through to them, bypassing other staff and they can't refuse calls. Knew their housing rights and if didn't have a solicitor had at least taken advantage of 30 mins free advice

Women left to rot with a relative somewhere -

Quiet. Accepted "we've got nothing, go back to your relative" immediately (aka we've got Temp accomm so saving it for REAL emergency ie someone who really won't go away and anyway, TA takes ages to arrange so if we know you'll go away without a fuss you are one less for us to think about..you didn't make a fuss so you must be able to stay where you are anyway)

Glad Im out of it all there were some women you really did wonder about, really wanted to help and some dickhead of a manager is hellbent on finding every way not to help - unless client kicks off enough, of course

If a woman's been worn down and battered from pillar to post for ages she likely isn't going to want to kick up a fuss. I was always glad when some did though. & the miraculously got help.

Men get away with being violent disrespectful thugs and yet women have to pay the price? Meanwhile the men can stay right where they are. This world is shit at times. In fact a lot of the time