To feel utterly heartbroken that DH will miss the birth of our first baby (and to partly blame myself)...?

[ButterflyFree]

It's going to be a long one, but I'll make it comprehensive so as not to drip feed.

I'm British and DH is of a different nationality, and I have lived with him in his home country for the past 5+ years. I'll be 37 weeks pregnant on Saturday with our first baby; a little boy, whom we both simply cannot wait to meet. Most of my maternity care has taken place in our country of residence, but DH and I decided together that we would come to my family home in London for the summer and that I would give birth here, for a number of reasons:

⁃	Our country of residence is extremely hot at this time of year, and I wouldn't be able to set foot outside in the heat. Family home in London is next to a park & the Thames; perfect for pregnant walks (waddles), & strolls with the pram once baby arrives. 
⁃	My due date is 29th July, and DH's work (which is seasonal) was due to take him to Germany for the majority of August. So, if he got one or two days off during the month-long training camp, he would be able to hop on a short haul flight and come to visit us in London more easily, as opposed to a 7+ hr flight to his home country. 
⁃	The fact that DH was supposed to be in Germany with work in August also meant that it made sense for me to be in London, staying with my mother, so that I would have help adapting to life with a newborn. 
⁃	In DH's culture it is tradition for the new mum and baby to stay at her mother's house for the first 40 days after the birth.
⁃	My grandparents - to whom I am exceptionally close - would not be well enough to take the long-haul flight to come and meet the baby. Whereas DH's family would be more than willing and able to come to London - plus I'll be returning back home to them a month after delivering anyway. 

So, for all the above reasons, it made absolute sense to us both that I should deliver in London. At this point I must also confirm that yes, we are paying for 100% private maternity care here - before I get flamed and accused of 'living a cushy expat lifestyle and coming back to sponge off the NHS' - which I was indeed accused of on another thread of a different topic a little while back...!

Anyway, spool forward to now: DH and I had been in London since the end of May, having a wonderful time, spending quality time together before baby comes and with my family, and continuing to attend my antenatal appointments at the private wing at which I am booked to deliver. The pregnancy has been progressing perfectly and everything was marvellous.

Suddenly and unexpectedly, DH got called up to his country's compulsory military service. It can happen anytime between the age of 18-30 (he's 26), but new recruits are usually only ever called up to start in January. This is the first time they've ever done a new call-up session in July. He had to leave me and return home the very next day in order to answer the call of duty and complete the (rather lengthy) registration process. He appealed to a committee to delay his call-up due to the fact that his wife is about to give birth to our first baby any day now, but there are no exceptions made.

To make matters worse, the 1-year long military service (which will mean he cannot do his usual job for a whole year) includes a 45-day 'lockdown' period with absolutely no communication with the outside world, starting on 1st August. So I won't even be able to talk to my DH or send him pics & videos of our newborn baby boy for a month and a half.

I am a bag of pregnancy-hormone fuelled emotions anyway, but this situation has just utterly devastated me. I'm not usually one who shows my emotions but ever since he got the call-up I've been crying every day, and the smallest thing can set me off. I am completely and utterly heartbroken that my beloved DH will be forced to miss the precious, priceless moment of our first baby being born, and won't even get to meet our son until he's almost 2 months old. Of course DH is also beyond devastated and he has tried every possible avenue to get a delay, but to no avail.

The two of us are sitting on opposite sides of the world, both so excited about our impending arrival, but both completely gutted about these unforeseen circumstances and what they mean for us. And I can't help but blame myself somehow - even though all our reasons for choosing to have the baby in London made perfect sense at the time, and we could never have predicted this. But if I had just decided to stay in our country of residence and give birth there (which also would've been MUCH cheaper), at least DH would be let out of the military base for one day when I would go into labour. Of course it's far too late for me to fly back and have the baby there now - if I could, I would.

AIBU to feel so utterly bereft and robbed of one of the most magical moments in life? And to worry about how I will cope with the emotions of giving birth and DH not being able to be there? This should be the most joyous and exciting time but instead I am here sobbing my eyes out to sleep every night... It breaks my heart to think that DH will not be the first one to see and hold our baby. Or AIB a massive drama queen? Is it something I should just take on the chin because women throughout the generations have had to deal with giving birth without their DHs by their side? Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and if so, how did you and your DH cope?

Thank you to anyone who has read all the way to the end of my post of epic proportions - to be honest it has been cathartic just to write it all down and get it out.

What a tough situation ButterflyFree. I take it that there are no exemptions from military service if you're married to a foreign national and your DH is not a dual national? In DH's home country exemptions are given if man has no male siblings, if they need glasses or have certain medical conditions. I am scraping the bottom of the barrel here, I know.

Skipping military service is a massive deal there too. You would be arrested as soon as you entered the country, and even if you escaped arrest you would be unemployable because you have to present a certificate detailing your military service status (complete/exempt/surplus to requirements/reserves) when applying for jobs or any course of study. What some people do is stay out of the country until they exceed maximum age then pay a massive fine but avoid jail. Obviously this isn't very useful if you are resident though.

You are right @Atenco thank you for the positive perspective. I'm lucky to be with my mum for now, and lucky that I'll get to introduce our beautiful baby to my grandparents too... and I'm so excited that our little boy will grow up with a wonderful father. It's somewhat comforting to think about the fact that baby won't remember his daddy not being around for the first month or so of his life anyway.

@emmyrose2000 He can't come back to London between now and 1st August - he's already technically on duty so can't travel overseas. It's just the no contact part that will start on that date. So although it would definitely be something I'd consider if he could come back here for a few days (my midwife also suggested it), unfortunately it won't make any difference.

And absolutely, if he was a full time military man then I would have to accept it and I would also have been prepared for it. I was even prepared that it could be a possibility for him to get called up with the next batch in January. But not now!

I spent 10 years there, OP so I know how London is a much more appealing place to spend the last days of your pregnancy and the early days of birth. Unless you want to traipse around the malls with your baby you're pretty much confined to barracks (sorry about the "pun") otherwise.

I have everything crossed he gets his no-contact period shortened.

I am sorry that you understandably feel so upset.

However, and I don't mean to be harsh, you are being a tad dramatic and flowery in putting so much emphasis on the magic of the one moment of birth. Of course it is special, of course you'd both love to have him there but if that's impossible, then you need to shift the focus on to the real magic - being parents to a brand new baby. It's the next decades that are special, not just the birth and the newborn days. If I were you, I think I'd be more upset about the early weeks rather than the moment of birth itself but of course everyone is different.

But in short, if the circumstances cannot be changed, then your mind sets will have to change. So there are some great ideas here about the videos etc and embrace those. It's hard but don't wallow so much in the grief of missing out on the Disney moment of mum and dad beaming as the newborn is placed into your arms. Birth rarely goes exactly as anyone of us expects so for you, this is one of your challenges and you will cope. Take the longer view. It sucks that you have to, but you really need to try to make the most of it.

(For what it's worth, the whole thing sounds extremely dodgy to me, disappearing a day after receiving the notice and not due to reappear for months. If he knew fully what was involved and genuinely only get that short notice, then he was quite foolish not to "lose" the letter in the post for a couple of weeks. Being arrested for reporting late doesn't sound significantly worse than what he's in for already. If you're sure it's genuine, I apologise for planting any seeds of doubt but as an outside reader, it all sounds very suspicious. )

Best wishes for a safe, boring delivery of a healthy baby to a healthy mother, and for a lifetime of happiness as a family.

"Yes he will have missed the start but he will have a whole amazing lifetime with this child. There is so much to look forward to."

A lovely way to put it, thank you @Squishedstrawberry4

Definitely will have a whatsapp group to share updates with my in-laws and my MIL and at least 2 of the SILs are planning to come over for a few days once baby is born. They're all upset about the situation and very sympathetic towards me, so it's great to have their support too.

@alteredimages There are certain nationalities of foreign wives that disqualify the man from military service, but British is not one of them. We are allies; no suspicious of me possibly being a double agent unfortunately 😅🕵🏻‍♀️ and dual nationality is not possible.

It sounds very similar - DH has 2 brothers though, and he did Lasik for his eyes, so not helpful in our case!! He even tried that route, submitting his lasik procedure report to the medical committee, but they weren't having it...!

@sycamore54321 I realise the whole concept of what's happened probably seems quite implausible to anyone who isn't familiar with the region, but I assure you it's 100% genuine. Some other friends and family members have also been called up at the same time now, as well as husbands of my some of my friends. The call-up is sent by SMS (complete with delivery receipt so there's no avoiding it), not by letter, and I was sitting beside DH when he received and opened it. He was quickly able to verify its authenticity both by the number it came from and by the fact that other friends & colleagues of his received it at the same time.

I also assure you that the punishment for absconding or reporting late would be much, much worse! He had no option but to return immediately.

I do think you make a fair point about me perhaps over-romanticising the idea of that magical birth moment. But as a first timer it's natural to have a rose-tinted view of how it should all be I suppose, and it's something we've been building up to and looking forward to together for the past 9 months. I'm well aware that births rarely go the way you expect them to - hence why I haven't bothered to make a birth plan because I'm a very go-with-the-flow person - but the one thing I absolutely did expect to have was DH by my side.

Please, please stop panicking.

NONE of this is of your own making.

You did what was best for all concerned and it had turned out not so great.

But, your baby is healthy and about to put in an appearance. Train up your mum with a video camera or mobile phone and get her to film the whole thing, or as much as she or you or he would want to see!

You can Skype, ask for permission now and see what may be available. I'd personally write to the someone high up, not your dh, you. For permission for him to see the birth by Skype (if the hospital allow it - check first).

This is not your fault. You will get through this. Stop worrying and focus on giving birth and getting on with life.

"...seeing as induction at 39 weeks is already a possibility, could you do a planned induction at about 38 weeks instead..." Please be careful about this, only go for this if it is totally safe for baby.

Good luck.

You say that if you had been in the country he would have been released for one day to be with you? Is there any possibility of him being released for the day of the birth and being with you via video link?

Sycamore, it's not a place you'd want to be arrested and subsequently jailed in. I don't blame him for not losing the letter.
And yes, National Service absolutely is compulsory. I don't see anything dodgy about it at all.

Thanks @Italiangreyhound @SabineUndine

The NC period starts from 1st August and since my due date is 29th July and I should be induced by 39 weeks, that means we would still be able to communicate at that time, so yes a video linkup is on the cards for the birth. My midwife suggested it and the hospital will fully facilitate it (although Skype is blocked in DH's home country but luckily WhatsApp video calls have recently been unblocked). So that's definitely a positive - it's just the fact that he can't physically be present at the birth and hold the baby etc.

Thank you all for the positive spins and constructive ideas - no tears from me tonight (well, this morning...) and you've helped me to shift my focus towards how to make the best of a bad situation

Thank you @HappenedForAReisling yes you definitely understand the situation.

Fingers are indeed firmly crossed for a Level 4 or 5 decision from the committee next week, and thus a shortened NC period 🤞🏻

I really really feel for you - but perhaps you can look at it this way. Yes, it's crap, but if he has to do this military service then better now when the baby won't remember, than when you have an older toddler/child who is used to having Daddy around and then suddenly can't speak to him for a month and he's away for a year etc. And at least you will have family support in the early days. It is a horrible situation for you regardless of course I hope all goes well x

I would be leaving the country and never going back, but then I'd never want to live in a country like that in the first place.

Bastards. Sorry OP

OP can I ask how a young man of 26 got round the 'no marriage to foreigners' thing? Did you have 'Wasta'?

Are you actually 'legal' so to speak or are you playing the system in order to get by?

If you are not 'legal' would the baby have been given an Emirati Passport at birth? Where I am they are, but I know each Gulf Country has their own rule on that?

Honestly, you will be fine. Millions upon millions of soldiers wives have done the same. The birth is one of a mirriad of thousands of special moments.

@Rhubarbginisnotasin Marriage to foreigners is allowed and yes our marriage is 100% legal, it was conducted in a UAE court. I have all the necessary documents with me here (except the birth certificate and passport photos - obviously still pending!) to get baby a temporary passport from the consulate in order to travel back, and the permanent passport will then be issued when we're there.

Marriage to foreigners is allowed

Ah ok, so I think its one of those things that they signed up to along with the rest of the GCC many years ago but just or the sake of paying lip service to.

@Rhubarbginisnotasin In 2016, 57% of marriages registered in UAE were between a local and a foreigner, so mixed marriage is a very normal thing. They do try to encourage Emirati to Emirati marriage by offering extra financial incentives/land grants to local couples, but it doesn't seem to have really had any impact on the trend of mixed marriages increasing year on year.

Ive just realised I wasn't surprised by your opening post. I was only surprised that another poster thought there was a postal service where letters are delivered to a home address.

I was a military wife for 30 years and my eldest was almost 3 months old when he baba saw him for the first time way back in the day when there was no internet etc. Like you I'd travelled back to the Uk to give birth due to a military situation. It wasn't an ideal situation but we just got in with it all.

And Ive just thought of a practicality - who'll perform the Shahada when the wee one is born if your husband doesn't make it to the birth? To be honest with you I'd just leave it till later but it might be something to consider if you haven't already done so.

This is a promise to you - regardless of whether your husband can make it to the birth or not you'll never forget the first time you say to him 'this is our son'.

Chin Up

I would be leaving the country and never going back, but then I'd never want to live in a country like that in the first place

Ditto!

Although this is a dreadful situation and I really feel for you it was a very common occurrence during WW2 when many fathers did not see their families ( new born) for several months after the birth( it happened with my mother and older brother)....I think it may still happen to submariners in this day and age if they are on manoeuvres?
On positive side, you will still have family support so make good use of that.....write your husband loads of letters about how you are feeling ( good old fashioned love letters!) /how your son is , take videos ....document your son's development in a journal....all these ways of recording his progress will be good to look back on for both of you in years to come, when all these early memories are so easily forgotten
In the whole scheme of things although it's crap,at the moment, think of the bigger picture no you'll have a gorgeous son at the end of this.....

how can you bear to live in a country like that

emmyrose

me too