To feel utterly heartbroken that DH will miss the birth of our first baby (and to partly blame myself)...?

[ButterflyFree]

It's going to be a long one, but I'll make it comprehensive so as not to drip feed.

I'm British and DH is of a different nationality, and I have lived with him in his home country for the past 5+ years. I'll be 37 weeks pregnant on Saturday with our first baby; a little boy, whom we both simply cannot wait to meet. Most of my maternity care has taken place in our country of residence, but DH and I decided together that we would come to my family home in London for the summer and that I would give birth here, for a number of reasons:

⁃	Our country of residence is extremely hot at this time of year, and I wouldn't be able to set foot outside in the heat. Family home in London is next to a park & the Thames; perfect for pregnant walks (waddles), & strolls with the pram once baby arrives. 
⁃	My due date is 29th July, and DH's work (which is seasonal) was due to take him to Germany for the majority of August. So, if he got one or two days off during the month-long training camp, he would be able to hop on a short haul flight and come to visit us in London more easily, as opposed to a 7+ hr flight to his home country. 
⁃	The fact that DH was supposed to be in Germany with work in August also meant that it made sense for me to be in London, staying with my mother, so that I would have help adapting to life with a newborn. 
⁃	In DH's culture it is tradition for the new mum and baby to stay at her mother's house for the first 40 days after the birth.
⁃	My grandparents - to whom I am exceptionally close - would not be well enough to take the long-haul flight to come and meet the baby. Whereas DH's family would be more than willing and able to come to London - plus I'll be returning back home to them a month after delivering anyway. 

So, for all the above reasons, it made absolute sense to us both that I should deliver in London. At this point I must also confirm that yes, we are paying for 100% private maternity care here - before I get flamed and accused of 'living a cushy expat lifestyle and coming back to sponge off the NHS' - which I was indeed accused of on another thread of a different topic a little while back...!

Anyway, spool forward to now: DH and I had been in London since the end of May, having a wonderful time, spending quality time together before baby comes and with my family, and continuing to attend my antenatal appointments at the private wing at which I am booked to deliver. The pregnancy has been progressing perfectly and everything was marvellous.

Suddenly and unexpectedly, DH got called up to his country's compulsory military service. It can happen anytime between the age of 18-30 (he's 26), but new recruits are usually only ever called up to start in January. This is the first time they've ever done a new call-up session in July. He had to leave me and return home the very next day in order to answer the call of duty and complete the (rather lengthy) registration process. He appealed to a committee to delay his call-up due to the fact that his wife is about to give birth to our first baby any day now, but there are no exceptions made.

To make matters worse, the 1-year long military service (which will mean he cannot do his usual job for a whole year) includes a 45-day 'lockdown' period with absolutely no communication with the outside world, starting on 1st August. So I won't even be able to talk to my DH or send him pics & videos of our newborn baby boy for a month and a half.

I am a bag of pregnancy-hormone fuelled emotions anyway, but this situation has just utterly devastated me. I'm not usually one who shows my emotions but ever since he got the call-up I've been crying every day, and the smallest thing can set me off. I am completely and utterly heartbroken that my beloved DH will be forced to miss the precious, priceless moment of our first baby being born, and won't even get to meet our son until he's almost 2 months old. Of course DH is also beyond devastated and he has tried every possible avenue to get a delay, but to no avail.

The two of us are sitting on opposite sides of the world, both so excited about our impending arrival, but both completely gutted about these unforeseen circumstances and what they mean for us. And I can't help but blame myself somehow - even though all our reasons for choosing to have the baby in London made perfect sense at the time, and we could never have predicted this. But if I had just decided to stay in our country of residence and give birth there (which also would've been MUCH cheaper), at least DH would be let out of the military base for one day when I would go into labour. Of course it's far too late for me to fly back and have the baby there now - if I could, I would.

AIBU to feel so utterly bereft and robbed of one of the most magical moments in life? And to worry about how I will cope with the emotions of giving birth and DH not being able to be there? This should be the most joyous and exciting time but instead I am here sobbing my eyes out to sleep every night... It breaks my heart to think that DH will not be the first one to see and hold our baby. Or AIB a massive drama queen? Is it something I should just take on the chin because women throughout the generations have had to deal with giving birth without their DHs by their side? Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and if so, how did you and your DH cope?

Thank you to anyone who has read all the way to the end of my post of epic proportions - to be honest it has been cathartic just to write it all down and get it out.

" I feel I've gotten quite a pasting for being the person to suggest that the story sounded highly unusual to me."

Well yes. Because your first thought was not how can I support this soon-to-be-mum, or come up with ideas to help the father. Rather, you concluded without research or further information that there is something somewhat suspect going on. Other countries do things differently. It amazes me that so many people seem not to get that.

ButterflyFree. I think I must have the wrong person if you don't recognize the handbag reference. It was a thread by a woman who was booked to have her baby at a private hospital in London. She had posted a photo of the waiting room (I think?) and inadvertently included a shot of her lovely handbag. It raised a few lighthearted comments 😁 Nothing newsworthy at all but I thought you might be the same person

👜👜👜👜👜👜👜👜👜👜👜👜

Oh poor you op.

Yes I stand by my silly comment, in the great scheme of life - yes its silly to me this poor man is going to miss the birth of his child due to some stupid rules and regulations somewhere. Yes thats silly.

Anyway op its all done now, you have to make best of it. I would make sure he gets plenty of alone time with baby when he gets back so they can bond. Good luck.

Can he just accept the fine?

I guess which country makes a difference here?

I feel for you Op. what a horrible 'surprise' to deal with when you are nearly at the end your pregnancy. Some great ideas upthread about how to keep in touch. And the idea that you'll get your lion king moment eventually. It is also worth remembering that there will be a whole barrage of firsts for you both to enjoy over the next few months and years.
And (I hope this doesn't sound flippant or minimising because it's not meant that way) but I never ever think of my children's birth unless asked and I doubt my DH does either - once a baby arrives then your life is whisked forward, not back.

Note to self - must not complain about jury service when I get "called up"

"Scottishdiem" did you actually look at my post? Three or four paragraphs of suggestions how to help her. Where is the helpful ideas in your post?

I did not conclude something was going on. I said it sounded to me as an outsider like a dodgy story and asked was the OP sure it was genuine. If it's such a common situation, I challenge anyone to give another example of it happening. If my team member or neighbour or plumber announced that they would not be showing up tomorrow as they were going back to their home country for surprise military service on the strength of a notification received today, I really wouldn't take it at face value without asking a lot more questions. Just because this situation is genuine does not mean it is normal. Here, or virtually anywhere else.

@ItsGone Oh I'm so curious about that handbag now! 😂👜 Definitely wasn't me though.

@Justgivemeamo I agree with you on the importance of facilitating plenty of father/son bonding time when possible. I have no doubt that they will develop a wonderfully close relationship regardless of whether it starts a month or so later than it should have been able to.

@Sofabitch There isn't a fine to get out of it; otherwise everyone would just pay. It's one of the few things you can't use money to buy your way out of there - even members of the ruling families get called up, with no extra leniency. DH is a known professional sportsman and represents the country at international level, but as I said, there is no way out of the call-up unless the medical screenings and psych eval deem you unfit for service.

yes of course I only said it because sometimes the main career gets possessive - and thinks only they can do things right.

I agree with a previous poster not to put yourself under too much pressure to do really complicated activities to 'capture each moment'.

High effort with a new born could turn it into stress and failure vs delight and shared joy. Also, you might end up feeling obligated to do things you actually can't because it's become your responsibility to capture everything. Don't take on the job of official documentary and chronicle maker!

One thing i found I could do relatively easily with a new born was to take a photo every one or two nights, simply because I was up with him and my smart phone as I 'fed & read' ... although most of the snaps included my cleavage, and don't see the light of day now, they are a lovely personal memory and chart DS growth in little ways that I didn't notice at the time. Just don't lock yourself into daily... it just passed the time when he was feeding, and every 7-10daus I snapped him in a milk stupor straight after lying on the bed. I wonder if photos like that might be nice for your husband to flick through once he's back, as they capture the intimate private little moments just you and he can share...

Which gets me thinking, you'll have to play it by ear a bit, as you & do might find it upsetting to send him stuff that emphasizes what he's missing. Or they might help him share emotionally when he's not able to share physically. I suspect you both won't know until it happens, so be prepared to roll with it and tune in to your own emotional needs as it unfolds...

Playing dh voice to the little one is a lovely idea though, particularly at squishy huggy times, as the baby will associate his daddy's voice with those times and feelings, so will have started that bond off already. You might have to stick your fingers in your ears though if you find it makes you sad though.

I think you'll work it all out and it will be ok in the end. You sound like you've got your head screwed on right (!), sensible and thoughtful.

Bottom line is the Uk allows Dual Citizenship. The Emiratis don't. The Emirati's are calling the shots here.

This, along with a number of other things discussed on the thread, is probably why some people looking at this situation think , my goodness, what a way to have to live, I would hate that- why don't you just leave and never go back? You don't have to be a xenophobic Daily Mailer or to have some belief that the Emirati way of life is 'inferior' to recognise that it's a way of life you yourself would hate, and to suggest that someone dealing with problems related to it may want to consider walking away from it all.

Thank you @WellThisIsShit - very good advice again. DH and I are both of the 'Snapchat generation' I suppose, so it comes quite naturally to us to document and share pictures and videos of our days with each other when we're not together anyway. I would imagine it'll be the same once baby is here, but as you said, we'll have to roll with it and take each day as it comes :)

@alltouchedout Everyone's entitled to their own opinion but let me clarify that there is absolutely no way I would consider 'walking away from it all' - I love the life we have built there, the family I have joined through marriage there, our careers there, our home there. We have a fantastic quality of life and will be able to provide a great deal more security for our children there than anywhere else. So there's no need for anyone to continue any discussion of this point because it's completely out of the question for me.

Oh @ButterflyFree I can understand why you're so upset. What a difficult situation. RhubarbGin has it spot on- you will never forget the moment you introduce them. In fact, remembering my DH's first moments with my 2DC is making me feel a bit choked. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Loving the idea of the youtube channel, it sounds like it would suit you both! My friend told me about an app recently where you record a second of video a day and it edits it into one big video for you- this wouldn't take up too much time with a newborn and would be a record of your days. I'll try to find out the name.

Bless you @MacTweedy Thank you. That app sounds great - a clever and simple way to create a sort of time lapse of baby's early days. Please do let me know if you find out the name of it.

I understand that the timing is very unfortunate but I guess you knew about his impending military service when you married him and got pregnant knowing that would it come sometime soon.

@quizqueen We didn't know about his impending military service when we got married as it was only introduced 2 years ago, and as I mentioned upthread, the recruitment of new call-ups usually only happens every January. As it turns out they have now suddenly added an additional mid-year recruitment date (due, I suspect, to the current issues with Qatar, which only came to a head in June). Plus, he could've got the call up anytime before turning 30, so that could've been any time in the next 4 years.

As you can see from that, the chances of him being called up at exactly the time I'm due to give birth this July were pretty much 0. Hence why it's so upsetting and unsettling. If I had known about this possibility, 1. I never would've planned to give birth in the UK, and 2. I wouldn't have felt entitled to whinge about it!

www.movehub.com/blog/dual-citizenship-around-the-world-map

An interesting article.

I agree with sycamore and itsgone about not putting too much pressure on yourself to capture every moment. But I like the idea of the app for recording a bit of video each day (except don't feel bad if you don't manage to do it every single day!) I also recommend getting some baby milestone cards, preferably a set which includes a card for every week or two at the beginning. And ask your mum to take photos of you and baby together, because you and your DH might both like those (I remember having a hormonal sob that there weren't enough photos of me and DS at the beginning )

I also agree with alltouchedout:
"You don't have to be a xenophobic Daily Mailer or to have some belief that the Emirati way of life is 'inferior' to recognise that it's a way of life you yourself would hate, and to suggest that someone dealing with problems related to it may want to consider walking away from it all."

I've read your more recent posts OP and completely respect the fact that you're happy with your life there and won't consider leaving. That's fair enough. But doesn't mean other people are xenophobic or whatever for not wanting to choose that life for themselves.

But doesn't mean other people are xenophobic or whatever for not wanting to choose that life for themselves

I cant recall that anyone said it did.

Yes Rhubarb, I'm wondering where this exchange was meant to have happened too?!

But I think we're being overly literal, and spoiling the chance of posters wanting to have a ruckus :)

Rhubarb and WellThis
" I hate the way any thread remotely about the UAE is seen as a free-for-all for people's DM-inspired UAE hatred."
Apparently anyone who doesn't want to live in UAE must be a hate-filled Daily Mail reader

OP may I recommend an app my friend uses to share photos of her DCs with her mum and grandparents who live abroad?

It's called Lifecake. She says it works well as all the pics are in one place, plus it's chronological so she can scroll back through and look back at the baby pics and seen how her DCs have grown and changed. Not sure if you can put videos on there but either way it might be something nice your DH can scroll through once he is able to

Thank you for the suggestion @AuroraBora I'll be downloading that app and having a play around with it :)

@AnotherEmma I've already got a lovely set of milestone cards ready to use, so that will definitely help with chronicling baby's growth and major achievements. And thanks for the suggestion about making sure I also take pictures WITH the baby and not just OF the baby - my mum often gets wistful about the fact she has virtually no photos with me as a child because she raised me alone and had nobody to take them of the two of us 😢 but that was obviously in the pre-selfie days... 😅

Thanks again for all your ideas and advice everyone; it really has helped me to put the whole situation into perspective and not a single tear has been shed today! Making progress 😁

"But doesn't mean other people are xenophobic or whatever for not wanting to choose that life for themselves."

Of course not. The problem arises when people dont think that other people shouldn't chose a life that they themselves would not like. Or, as more than one pointed post hints at, actively disbelieves the OP because they cannot comprehend that another country does things differently from Gods Own Country (England).

scottish
I agree with that. But I don't think anyone judged or blamed the OP for living there.
I agree that the posts questioning the truth of the situation were pretty out of order. But then again scepticism is very common on here so I hope the OP didn't take it too personally.

Rhubarb and WellThis
" I hate the way any thread remotely about the UAE is seen as a free-for-all for people's DM-inspired UAE hatred."
Apparently anyone who doesn't want to live in UAE must be a hate-filled Daily Mail reader hmm

But no one called anyone a xenophobe. Posters said that they weren't xenophobic to have the beliefs they have.

It seems to me the people complaining about the mention of xenophobia are the ones who brought it up.

But I don't think anyone judged or blamed the OP for living there

They did when they said they could never live there.