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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband does not value my time - AIBU?

59 replies

oeufdepaques · 06/07/2017 10:10

I just started my maternity leave, I am 34 weeks pg and have an ELCS planned for 39 weeks. My 3 year old is in nursery 4 days a week this week and next week before it closes for 3 weeks for the summer. She will go back the week of my ELCS.

This afternoon I have to go into work for an appraisal for one of my team members and to finish a few bits and bobs. I had originally said I could take DD in to nursery at about lunch time on my way into work but my husband said he could also take her. He hasn't taken her much recently as since I slowed down at work I generally take her and pick her up. I decided that him taking her would be better so I can get some stuff done at home.

Husband and I obviously misunderstood each other as he hadn't realised that I actually wanted him to take her. Although I apologised for the misunderstanding, he was pissed off and said I was wrong to not keep her at home this morning as she would have been much happier here. So far at home I have had someone round to repair our fridge, sorted out and washed a box of baby clothes and had to go back and forth out of the house to move my car for my neighbours who are moving in. Hardly an exciting morning for DD, who will have been playing in the garden or gone to the park with nursery.

My husband has form for this. He works hard, lots of hours, director role, high salary, stress etc. but he has always seemed to consider himself, his time and his responsibilities as more important than mine. I have always had the responsibility of practically all household tasks and now I am on maternity leave, I seem to be expected to do everything and be at everyone else's disposal. I think I should be 1. resting and 2. getting everything ready before DD's nursery closes and I have full on childcare of her for 3 weeks.

I am sick of him thinking his job/life is more important than mine. But at the same time, maybe I am being precious? I am on maternity leave, I am at home at the moment on MN and he is probably in a stressful meeting.

What should I do? Am I asking too much from him? If not how do I get him to see my point of view?

OP posts:
LovelyBath77 · 06/07/2017 10:17

I know what you mean, mine can be like this also. He's self employed, and rushed off this morning leaving all the recycling etc and could have taken it out, while I had to rush about getting the children ready and doing it too. Sometimes i wonder if they get caught up in it all and just don't THINK. Not sure though!

Original poster
oeufdepaques · 06/07/2017 10:46

Yes I would like to think that it's a matter of not thinking but with my DH I am not always so sure.

Although it's a relief to know I am not alone!

OP posts:
WankYouForTheMusic · 06/07/2017 10:54

This specific instance, I'd say it depends what was said. You're not very clear in your OP. It may be that neither of you is at fault. Both of you are busy, you have a small child and another on the way. Sometimes something gives.

However, if you feel there's a wider issue with him not valuing your time and work as much, that's a concern and it would be even if the misunderstanding was 100% your fault today. You say you do all the housework. Why is that?

Original poster
oeufdepaques · 06/07/2017 11:32

Yes sorry this morning's example wasn't a good one. The misunderstanding was my fault.

However there is a wider issue. I am expected to do everything because his job is more 'important' than mine. He hasn't planned and cooked a meal for 3 years! And when I was working he would often just come home from work at 8pm and announce that I would need to take dd to nursery the following day because he had a meeting. Never thinking to ask if it would be possible for me.

He also told our insurance broker that my job is the equivalent of being an admin clerk. Nothing wrong with being an admin clerk or equivalent of course but I manage a team within a sales environment. I have targets and pressure as well as management meetings and presentations.

It just feels like he thinks my time and I are so much less important than him just because of his status and salary and now it's even worse as I'm on mat leave. I'm expected to do everything!

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 06/07/2017 11:36

Urgh, I hate that dynamic. DH pulled that shit once with me and never again.

That said, I think mat leave is a tricky time as naturally the person in the house will do more around the house. The real issue is what happens when you go back to work and how the day-to-day is - sounds to me like that needs a reset.

It does strike me though that you are having a CS... what's his plan for supporting you through that? You probably aren't going to be able to do much at all for the first couple of weeks...

WankYouForTheMusic · 06/07/2017 11:40

Then YANBU.

You don't mention your usual working hours OP. If you're at home more than him, under ordinary circumstances you should probably be expected to do a bit more. I'm not one who thinks people SAHing with a toddler should do all the domestic chores but you know, load the washing machine, mop up messes, start tea prep etc. But not everything! And especially not when heavily pregnant!

TheSlowLoris · 06/07/2017 12:13

Well if he pulling him up on that shit to be honest op. I wouldn't stand for it.

TheSlowLoris · 06/07/2017 12:14

*I'd be, not if he.

Original poster
oeufdepaques · 06/07/2017 12:15

Happy to do more and have always done so. I do all the washing, shopping, cooking, admin etc. But some appreciation and some understanding that I'm not just at home watching tv all day would be nice. And some understanding that I need a bit of time to myself wouldn't go amiss either. He gets lie ins at the weekend and I get none. I get up earlier than him every day of the week. Why, because he's the one with the more stressful job and earns double my salary.

I'd just like him to réalisé that being on mat leave is nice yes, but not a holiday!

OP posts:
shouldwestayorshouldwego · 06/07/2017 12:26

Plus acknowledging that he couldn't do his job as well if you had an equivalent job with an equivalent salary. He can only do those hours because you take control at home.

TheSlowLoris · 06/07/2017 12:29

Have you told him?

Original poster
oeufdepaques · 06/07/2017 12:33

I do try to but I'm not the best communicator. He's quite feisty too and sometimes I can be left feeling that I'm unreasonable as I know his job is pressured (although mine can be too!). He does provide for us really well - we are lucky to not have any money worries and that's generally down to him. But also good to know that I should be appreciated as it's true that without me it would be impossible for him to have any free time or relax...

OP posts:
domesticslattern · 06/07/2017 12:50

Why does he get lie-ins at the weekend and you get none? Have you asked him directly if he would get up on one day, and you the other, which does he prefer? Arrange it in advance, avoids miscommunication and barking.

StaplesCorner · 06/07/2017 12:52

The more you write oeuf the more worrying this sounds - "quite feisty"? Is that a euphemism for aggressive?

endofthelinefinally · 06/07/2017 12:54

When we did our life insurance when our Dc were small we calculated my role as equivalent to full time nanny and housekeeper. Around double DH's then salary.
Have you asked him how he would care for his children if anything happened to you?

He sounds very disrespectful. Sad

Parker231 · 06/07/2017 12:57

Sounds like you need to set down some rules before your mat leave otherwise he will do nothing. He could do the nursery runs, online food shop and the night feeds at the weekend and weekend family meals.

BitOutOfPractice · 06/07/2017 12:58

Man thinks himself more important than women. Not exactly a new revelation is it? I think most men do. I don't think these events like the recycling etc are thoughtlessness. They just think these tasks are beneath them and a women will do them if they don't.

Not all men of course. But many. And, it would seem anecdotally from MN, many men with senior positions at work are the worst offenders.

We still have a long way to go before we achieve equality and this sort of domestic inequality seems to be be the most stubborn to shift

TheSlowLoris · 06/07/2017 12:59

So he thinks he's more important than you because he earns more. He sounds like a dick. Does he value you at all or are you just a producer of children and general skivvy.

BitOutOfPractice · 06/07/2017 12:59

And I agree that he sounds worse and worse the more you type. A lazy, entitled bully to be precise

saoirse31 · 06/07/2017 13:06

Its threads like this that make me appreciate being a single parent.

Jackiebrambles · 06/07/2017 13:09

It's a familiar scenario. My husband is in a similar high earning/high pressure job, and we've had times when things have slipped like this.

You really need to sit down and discuss this now. Because when the new baby is here you will both be under double pressure - I found having a new baby and a pre schooler/toddler really bloody tough and I needed us both to be on board supporting each other. He needs to be taking the eldest to nursery not assuming you will because you are on mat leave (for example). Having to get both children ready and out of the house for nursery drop off will be tough when you are post c-section!!

Him getting a lie in and you not is utter bullshit. He needs to know this. You have to tell him.

Clandestino · 06/07/2017 13:10

"feisty" means aggressive and abusive, I guess.
So you are taking care of the whole household and your daughter and are expected to continue doing so with a second child (I know we shouldn't be questioning other people's choices but why the fuck would you want a second child with a man who treats you as a door mat?) and get no time off because he believes you're less important than him? Fucking hell. This sounds like a very unequal relationship, doesn't it?

OOAOML · 06/07/2017 13:17

I earn more than my husband but I don't think myself better than him, and I don't think my time is more valuable than his. He is covering more of the school holidays than I am, because he gets more holidays and has flex. We have a pattern of who takes our son to school, and if one of us needs to change day to accommodate a meeting then we agree it between us.

The stuff about him getting all the lie ins is ridiculous - you are both working, whether that is out of the house or bringing up children. If you get burnt out, how is he going to cope with the children if you can't any more?

gandalf456 · 06/07/2017 13:25

They all turn into their fathers once they have children

anxiousandpregnant · 06/07/2017 13:27

You don't even get a lie in on the weekend? Why?

Me and my partner both work full time but when I was on MAT leave I would still get my turn of a lie in at the weekend and he has a very physical tiring job.

Just because your not director of a company doesn't mean your less important and don't need sleep. Does he think you just laze around all day watching Jeremy Kyle and taking naps?

It sounds as though you have a few things to talk about with him before the baby arrives because how he's treating you at the moment is appalling, your like the live in maid/nanny.

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