Husband does not value my time - AIBU?

[oeufdepaques]

I just started my maternity leave, I am 34 weeks pg and have an ELCS planned for 39 weeks. My 3 year old is in nursery 4 days a week this week and next week before it closes for 3 weeks for the summer. She will go back the week of my ELCS.

This afternoon I have to go into work for an appraisal for one of my team members and to finish a few bits and bobs. I had originally said I could take DD in to nursery at about lunch time on my way into work but my husband said he could also take her. He hasn't taken her much recently as since I slowed down at work I generally take her and pick her up. I decided that him taking her would be better so I can get some stuff done at home.

Husband and I obviously misunderstood each other as he hadn't realised that I actually wanted him to take her. Although I apologised for the misunderstanding, he was pissed off and said I was wrong to not keep her at home this morning as she would have been much happier here. So far at home I have had someone round to repair our fridge, sorted out and washed a box of baby clothes and had to go back and forth out of the house to move my car for my neighbours who are moving in. Hardly an exciting morning for DD, who will have been playing in the garden or gone to the park with nursery.

My husband has form for this. He works hard, lots of hours, director role, high salary, stress etc. but he has always seemed to consider himself, his time and his responsibilities as more important than mine. I have always had the responsibility of practically all household tasks and now I am on maternity leave, I seem to be expected to do everything and be at everyone else's disposal. I think I should be 1. resting and 2. getting everything ready before DD's nursery closes and I have full on childcare of her for 3 weeks.

I am sick of him thinking his job/life is more important than mine. But at the same time, maybe I am being precious? I am on maternity leave, I am at home at the moment on MN and he is probably in a stressful meeting.

What should I do? Am I asking too much from him? If not how do I get him to see my point of view?

He's not lazy (works an 70 hour week at least). He's not abusivs either. I said fiesty because he's under pressure and is not very patient. He also finds it hard to see things from some one else's perspective. I think he thinks I am lucky bécause I get more time with our dd and my days are 'freer'. But just because I'm not in back to back meetings doesn't mean I'm not running around like a headless chicken though.

Thanks Jackie. I will have a discussion later. And yes the lie in thing is crazy. But we've fallen into this and I haven't asked for lie ins. Dd calls for me, I wake up early anyway and he has always been a deep sleeper.

Not lazy? He does nothing at home, he expects all the lie ins and minimal parenting. Sounds lazy to me!

You have negotiated yourself a poor deal.

Most men naturally think their own selves, their own time, their own careers etc etc etc take primacy. It takes a lot of direct boundary setting to help them stop being deluded.

Now that you have let this go on so long it is obviously going to be harder than if you had been clear about how you think your time is just as important as he thinks he is time is from the outset, and had not offered to do all the housework.

I do no housework, neither does my husband. We have a cleaner. My husband occasionally tries it on by suggesting that as a feminist I should take out the bins - he loses every time. I tend to cook more, but we share the sh1t work equally, because I won't have it any other way.

Take responsibility for setting boundaries, rather than letting him decide everything. Men find it more difficult than women to have absolute power and to exercise it benevolently and fairly, you need to point out to him expressly what you will and will not accept. Literally zero point in getting grumpy and hoping he will magically guess.

Well why have you posted then? Of course he's never going to value your time if you do this thing "oh he's SOOO important!"

Maybe you need to decide what you want because I can only see this getting worse after the baby comes.

This is a man who thinks that he is the person in the family and you and DC are accessories/possessions. You, as you don't have a penis, are somewhere between a domestic appliance and a pet, and need to understand that the shitwork is your problem because it's not 'real' work - it's women's work, and women are not really people.

My dh works 70 hrs a week in a similar role to your husbands. We take turns to have lie ins and when he's home he pitches in with whatever needs doing around the house or with the kids. I am a Sahm. Your dh sounds like he has a high opinion of himself and you are allowing him to walk all over you.
Fast forward in time with two children in tow , guess who's going to be doing all the donkey work??

I think you are doing the right thing talking to him. He may not realize how much you do. When he is at home he gets to relax and sit around or play with DC because you have made the home environment nice (cooked, cleaned etc) and taken on the "mental load" (a few threads on that recently) - sounds like he does not appreciate that you have enabled that.

YANBU. I think a major thing that needs to be discussed in these cases is the sometimes monotonous and unrewarding nature of the work.

Someone who works 70 hours a week in a high-falutin' high-stress role is getting some payback for that: status, pay, institutional position, a sense of power, a sense of dignity. Someone who works 70 hours a week cleaning up vomit and shit, shopping, and doing relatively menial tasks that are unpaid does not have those self-preserving things on which to fall back. This can actually make the latter role considerably harder to perform. When it's exacerbated by an inequality of shared labour in the household, it can start to feel very undermining indeed.

OP- You need to talk - tell him to reserve his willy waving for the board room. He is making you feel less worthwhile and important than he is. Marriage is a partnership and it's about time he was reminded of that by the sound of things. Does he ever do anything unexpectedly lovely for you? I'm guessing not! He needs bringing down to earth PDQ! Good luck.

Why has it taken you till your second pregnancy, so at least 4 years with him, to notice or care about this? You obviously slipped into "default parent" role when your first was born, so I'm guessing he figured it was the status quo.

If you are at home and your child is at nursery, while he is at work, then I don't see the issue with you doing stuff. Washing baby clothes and moving the car aren't exactly onerous tasks. You need to accept that being the stay at home parent while he's at work means you do the housework.

Having said that, while you are both working, it's a different story. Obviously then, everything should be shared. He's got you for a mug, because he's persuaded you that he is so important and you aren't. He needs to step up, and you need to tell him that. I just don't get why you've waited so long.

He works 70 hours a week. You spend 24 hours a day growing another human being. You're entitled to a lie in!

My x was like this. I didn't leave him because of housework but now that I'm on my own I wouldn't even tolerate 'just' the issue of doing 75% housework. I think the only way that works reading these threads is to tell them it's their turn to do the recycling this time. Then say nothing and do nothing and let it spill over the side of the bin inside, miss the collection. Don't react. Don't say anything.

I just have kids now but if they don't do their assigned jobs, ie, hanging out wet clothes on to clothes horse or unloading the dishwasher, I won't start cooking dinner. I think my kids are better workers than my x ever was though. My kids are quite lazy and entitled but they aren't in my x's league at all.

I don't understand why your child is in nursery when you are at home tbh - if I was your DH that would annoy me too. To me its more normal that nurseries are used when parents are in work, and that parents want to spend time with their kids when they aren't at work, even if spending time just involves hanging out at home with the kids in the garden and the parent doing chores.

Ummm my husband has multiple directorships and a high income. He works very long hours and often works away. When he is here, he still:

• gets up at 6am with the kids, I sleep til 8am. Every day. But then I have always breastfed so I did the night feeds
• makes breakfast for him and the kids
• loads the dishwasher and wipes surfaces every night when he gets home (often after we've all gone to bed)
• sorts the recycling every week and does the bins, usually late at night the day before it's due to be collected
• hoovers once a week (only two rooms carpeted in our house though tbh)
• changes beds every fortnight

To be honest I consider that a pretty low level of housework considering everything that needs to be done in a house with kids, but I am a SAHM and he does work long hours.

If he didn't do any housework it would be game over for us. I'm nobodies bloody skivvy. I do the jobs that need doing when I have spare time and I am excellent at providing quality childcare and watching CBeebies

He has also worked flexibly for the birth of all kids so he can do more in those first few months. People in senior roles are generally excellent at juggling priorities. The question is not does he have the time, the question is how high up the priority list is family?

He works 70 hours, how money hours do you work? And I mean in both your paid job and your unpaid job as a mum, housekeeper, cleaner, cook etc. You are probably on call 24/7

Many hours, not money

Thanks for the comments.
I am clearly responsible for some of his attitude - I have slipped into this role myself.
It's good for me to get perspective on what's normal or not. So thanks. We will have a good discussion.

Just to be clear - I stopped work last week to go on maternity leave. My dd is still in nursery for two weeks because she enjoys it and I need to sort out the house and nursery at home before she is on holiday. She'll go back 2 days a week in August which I think is good for her.

I am happy to do the majority of work whilst on mat leave. I am also lucky as we have a cleaner. It's my dh's attitude that his time is more valuable than mine which pisses me off .

Posted for a rant and to get some perspective which I have. Thanks.

OP by saying he's not lazy when, in my opinion he is, shows that you have totally bought into the "his time is more important" story that he has sold you.

I also agree with PPs who say that this will get worse, not better, when DC2 comes along

And ignore the PP querying your decision to send DD into nursery. You do not have to justify yourself to them!

Yes boop I know this needs tackling head on before dc2.

I don't understand why your child is in nursery when you are at home tbh - if I was your DH that would annoy me too.-

OP is 34 week pregnant. She is on maternity leave and deserves rest. I have heard enough of "what will you do in your free time when you are on maternity leave" comments too and feel annoyed. Maternity leave is for mum to get some rest. it isnt a holiday.

I am 31 weeks pregnant and I can completely understand someone who has been doing a whole lot, is finding it harder to manage and having the child in nursery could be a big help just to have that little break from taking care of a kid along with everything else.

I think he's being very unreasonable to expect you to do everything when you will have a newborn and a three year old.

Children remaining at nursery while their mother is on maternity leave is entirely normal. Because you lose the place if you remove them and, naturally, they prefer to fill it with anyone else who comes along rather than leave it empty for up to a year. That's how nurseries work.

OPs DH can see his arse about this if he likes, but his other options are them paying for hours they don't use, or removing DD altogether, with all the upheaval that suggests, and having no guarantee that a spot will be available in the future.

WankYou, you obviously move in very different circles from me. I don't have kids, but lots of my friends do, and I can honestly say that none of them have every kept their child in nursery when they are on mat leave. Maybe they do still pay for the hours, I'm not actually sure. But if you have to pay for the hours, it doesn't mean you have to use it. Most of the people I know who have kids try to spend as much time as possible with them when they're not at work, and that's why they wanted to have kids in the first place

Keeping kids in nursery over a mat leave is entirely normal. If you believe nursery is good for children (because if you didn't, you'd choose another setting) then it's good for children. It doesn't stop being good for them just because mum's at home on mat leave. Also as a pp said, if you give up a place in your preferred setting you won't get it back. And why shouldn't child #2 get a bit of uninterrupted time?

I speak as one who only has one child, but who kept him in nursery when I had six months off work after redundancy. You don't have to justify keeping DD in nursery OP, either to your DH or to Harsh.

OP - have you read Wifework? suggest you do