Husband does not value my time - AIBU?

[oeufdepaques]

I just started my maternity leave, I am 34 weeks pg and have an ELCS planned for 39 weeks. My 3 year old is in nursery 4 days a week this week and next week before it closes for 3 weeks for the summer. She will go back the week of my ELCS.

This afternoon I have to go into work for an appraisal for one of my team members and to finish a few bits and bobs. I had originally said I could take DD in to nursery at about lunch time on my way into work but my husband said he could also take her. He hasn't taken her much recently as since I slowed down at work I generally take her and pick her up. I decided that him taking her would be better so I can get some stuff done at home.

Husband and I obviously misunderstood each other as he hadn't realised that I actually wanted him to take her. Although I apologised for the misunderstanding, he was pissed off and said I was wrong to not keep her at home this morning as she would have been much happier here. So far at home I have had someone round to repair our fridge, sorted out and washed a box of baby clothes and had to go back and forth out of the house to move my car for my neighbours who are moving in. Hardly an exciting morning for DD, who will have been playing in the garden or gone to the park with nursery.

My husband has form for this. He works hard, lots of hours, director role, high salary, stress etc. but he has always seemed to consider himself, his time and his responsibilities as more important than mine. I have always had the responsibility of practically all household tasks and now I am on maternity leave, I seem to be expected to do everything and be at everyone else's disposal. I think I should be 1. resting and 2. getting everything ready before DD's nursery closes and I have full on childcare of her for 3 weeks.

I am sick of him thinking his job/life is more important than mine. But at the same time, maybe I am being precious? I am on maternity leave, I am at home at the moment on MN and he is probably in a stressful meeting.

What should I do? Am I asking too much from him? If not how do I get him to see my point of view?

If you remove a child from nursery you are still paying for the place, I am a SAHM and I not only put my son in a nursery one day a week but increased it to 2 days a few months before I had ds2 because a few months after that he was starting preschool.

So then he went to preschool 5 mornings a week when he was 3 and ds2 was a few months old.

Dh has always been a very hands on parent. I went away for several weekends on my own visiting friends leaving him with our two children who he loved being with and was great with them.

Maybe your Dh needs reminding how much hard work looking after a toddler is.

Do you get any time on the weekend to yourself where your Dh is aloe with his child? If not, it's Thursday, think about doing it. All this deep sleeper bit is just an excuse by you to not wake him.

If he was a single parent or you ended up hospitalised from this pregnancy for the next few weeks how would he do it? He would have to and that is the point, he doesn't have to so he shirks spending time with his child because it is hard work and you let him.

If you don't have kids then you don't understand the exhaustion of having a toddler and being heavily pregnant harshbuttrue.

Using nursery on mat leave is the norm - it means you keep your place and your DC gets all the benefits of the nursery routine and activities, some which you are likely to struggle to do with a new born.

Google the mental load and my wife left me because I left my dishes by the sink and show him those articles

Maybe they do still pay for the hours, I'm not actually sure. But if you have to pay for the hours, it doesn't mean you have to use it. Most of the people I know who have kids try to spend as much time as possible with them when they're not at work, and that's why they wanted to have kids in the first place

Righty ho. So you think it would've been better for a heavily pregnant woman to combine toddler wangling with the various jobs she was doing this morning, whilst paying for the privilege, instead of the child having the benefit of their normal routine, interaction with others and a child centred environment at the nursery? Pull the other one love, it's got big fat fucking bells on it.

Also, in case anyone's still in any doubt about how very normal this is, let me remind you all that childcare tax credits are still paid during maternity leave, where income makes the family eligible. The alternative would be some people being unable to return after the second or subsequent child because they lose their childcare place.

And YY about not understanding. I happen to think that the childfree can often make very valuable contributions on MN. This, however, has not been one of those occasions.

DH is like this.

Same thing, big job, etc.

I'm on mat leave with DD, she's six months. DS who is 3 is at nursery full time.

First question when he gets home is always : 'What did you do all day?'

He hasn't cooked, cleaned, done laundry or any other household shit for at least a year.

If he's a director, which I am on the verge of becoming, he needs someone mostly at home to take care of stuff so he can work the hours needed to earn the six-seven figure salary. The job is not going to improve so he either changes it or you change him. I think you have a lot of soul-searching to do.

And how do you feel about that toffeeboffin? Respected, valued and cherished?

The nursery thing was obviously poor communication (and listening) but i think that sometimes he needs reminding that people in all walks of life who live on their own would still have to put out the bloody recycling, unless they pay a cleaner to do it for them!