WIBU to tell my team members they must attend this leaving do?

[regenerator]

Ok, I know I would be but I do feel I would be justified in raising the matter.

We are a small team in a larger organisation and one of our team members is leaving having been with us for almost 5 years. Everyone was positive about going out to say goodbye, and we usually go out as a team at Christmas/when someone leaves etc - we don't socialise a lot but mark occasions and always have a good time when we do. Organising a date for a 'do' was hard as we are all busy people, but we finally got one that suited everyone.

We decided to have the meal in a location about 30 minutes drive from where we work, which is nearer to where leaving girl lives. Aside from one person, no one lives in the town we work in, so there is no 'obvious' location we could go to that would suit everyone.

The day after we settled on a date, the management of our organisation announced that there would be a 'summer party' held on the same date in our place of work - a licenced bar, buffet etc. Two of our team members immediately started saying they would like to go to that and leaving girl immediately started trying to accommodate them, suggesting other dates etc. None were any good and they said they would go to the staff do for an hour or so and then come to the leaving do.

However, the leaving girl feels it isn't fair to expect them to come as, with the distance, if they don't have a meal it won't be worth the time spent to get there - neither of them wants to drive, which is obviously fair enough. She has left it with them and nothing has been said for a day or so and she has said to me, sadly, not sulkily or in a flounce, that she may just 'leave it'.

I feel so bad for her as she has been a great person to work with and a friend and now may leave without it being marked. I also feel these two were incredibly rude to go back on plans made and would like to gently point this out. I get that, for one reason or another, they both know a lot more people in the wider organisation than the rest of our team does, so that's why they want to go to the summer party. But...no one else is leaving, they can go to any number of occasions with their other friend. Our colleague is leaving and we probably won't see her again. It may well be that they don't realise how she is feeling...

WIBU to do that? I am the manager of the team, if it matters.

[regenerator]

FFs, why don't people read the thread? I get that it doesn't change whether or not I'm unreasonable, but how many more suggestions of lunch and how great the 'ball' will be are possible?

As for Leaving dos need to be walking distance from the office so people can get home their usual way if they wish. WTF? so if you drive to work but want to drink, how does that help?? The last thing I want is a do near work - there's no way to get home other than by car? In the city, there is easier transport to where these people live.

[callmeadoctor]

All go for a pub lunch, sorted

[StealthPolarBear]

It might be rude but unfortunately they're allowed to be in their time off
I did laugh at leaving dos must be in walking distance of the office though. All ours would have to be in the office canteen, which shuts at 3

[StealthPolarBear]

They can't do lunches.
Can people not read?

[Chattymummyhere]

This is the type of thing my dh ( a manager) would give a erm yeah I guess maybe response to and just not show up. Infact his known for it now.

People have life's outside of work and demanding they go to party/leaving party in their own time is terrible. They might have children/elderly parents or you know hobbies or just want to relax away from the people they spend most of their awake time with. Just because you work together doesn't mean you want to be friends or see each other outside of work. Work eats up into enough time without all these extra not needed social events tagged on.

[Theycalledmethewildrose]

these people

Honestly, your attitude needs to change rapidly.

You might think the summer party will be shit, obviously others don't.

You have to respect other people opinions.

[MrsDustyBusty]

but yes. it is rude to agree to go then back out because you fancy something else more.

In fairness, they may be looking for any excuse to back out at what sounds like an expensive and time consuming Night of Angry Management.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

I'm wondering if they felt pressured in to going to the leaving do.

[callmeadoctor]

She said they can't do lunch in the workplace? ( Unless I misunderstood?) So go to local pub lunch, you don't have to drink!

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

does no one agree that they were rude?

I do - changing their minds (at short notice) so that they can benefit from free food and booze, rather than support someone they have worked with is a mean and spiteful trick.

[witsender]

Yes, it sounds very much like a good excuse of being pushed into a meal 30 mins away by bossy mgt.

[grannytomine]

Lunchtime meal on the day of the summer party and then make a bit of a fuss of her at the party? It is horrible for a nice member of staff to leave with nothing to mark the occasion.

[MrsDustyBusty]

She's not dying, presumably she's leaving of her own free will. Surely she doesn't need to be supported?

[callmeadoctor]

'Where we work, it's not possible to do anything at lunchtime" So does that mean you have to go out? Or no lunch or all eat separately?

[becausebecausebecause]

If you're not paying for their time after hours, of course you can't insist they go. Team manager's are not that powerful.

[LaurieMarlow]

Regenerator you posted on aibu, you're being told (unanimously I think) yabu, so start taking that on board rather than nit pick responses.

You can't tell your team what to do in their own time (can't believe you had to ask tbh), the ball is a more appealing option to some, the leaving do wasn't very particularly well thought out in the first place, you apparently can't do lunch.

In the confines of that, make the best of what you can do. How about late afternoon fizz and nibbles, then those going to the ball can do so. The rest can hang on for more drinks.

[DontTouchTheMoustache]

It's not fair to say it's rude of them though as they didn't know about the work event when they agreed the date, the work event date can't be changed but the leaving do date can so it's not rude of them to want to change their plans.
You need to stop pushing your own agenda onto your team, they will not thank you for it.

[caffeinestream]

How many more people are going to suggest lunch when OP has made it perfectly clear that they can't do lunch.

Not everyone works in an office or somewhere where you all take lunch together, is that really so hard for some people to understand?!

[2rebecca]

If it is near they can go out but not drink alcohol. Otherwise they have a 1 hour detour and still can't drink as have to drive home. Cake and flowers is doable. The op said bringing in food to work at lunch time isn't possible but didn't mention going out for lunch. I think work stuff should be done in work time. The Op is keener on spending an evening with her colleAgues than the others are

[Theycalledmethewildrose]

Surely they can all hang around after work for an hour and open a bottle of fizz, toast her and the people who want to go escape to the party can do so and the others can stick around for a chat.

[WankYouForTheMusic]

Honestly, the fact that two of a small group have already tried to cry off indicates that either the work do is going to be a more attractive gig than you're making it sound, or your arrangements are shitter than you thought. There could be multiple reasons for either of these.

It's possible that you're being reasonable and two other people aren't, but less likely than the alternative.

[callmeadoctor]

Sorry, I didn't think that the OP was clear, whether they couldn't do lunch because of space or there was no time. Or they weren't allowed 😀

[callmeadoctor]

Book a leaving stripogram to arrive at work for her 😀😀