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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think friends will only go so far for you

40 replies

greynwhitecat · 05/07/2017 19:55

Here is the situation, that most people think I should end my marriage, perhaps they are right.

But I have come to understand the same people who urge you to leave are the ones who won't be there when you need them.

So I'm wary

AIBU?

OP posts:

WillRikersExtraNipple · 05/07/2017 19:57

I don't know what your friends have to do with your marriage. Either end it or don't, that's up to you.

Original poster

greynwhitecat · 05/07/2017 19:58

Because like it or not it's difficult raising a child in total isolation.

OP posts:

Groupie123 · 05/07/2017 19:58

Rather than tell your friends, you need to talk to a marriage counseller.

indigox · 05/07/2017 19:59

Stop being so dependent on people.

PurpleDaisies · 05/07/2017 19:59

What are you expecting them to do if you did leave? I'm a bit confused to be honest. It looks like you're wanting to be annoyed with your friends even though they haven't done anything wrong.

MsJudgemental · 05/07/2017 20:01

More info needed.

Original poster

greynwhitecat · 05/07/2017 20:02

I'm not annoyed with them, just recognising that they won't be living my life or the challenges that come with being a lone parent with no support whatsoever. it's not about being dependent on people, just that between working, paying for childcare, sorting out ill children, paying bills, ferrying children back and forth ... that's tricky when you're relying on you & only you.

OP posts:

RideOn · 05/07/2017 20:04

YANBU. I agree, they won't be there to do what needs to be done.

IrritatedUser1960 · 05/07/2017 20:04

Well this is precisely what happened to my husband, his rather nasty group of swinging friends (I refused to have anything to do with it) constantly urged him to leave me, said they would stand by him, he would "shine" without me holding him back.
He left me expecting it all to be wonderful, friends soon got fed up with him now he wants to come back (fat chance of that).
A typical example of being pressurised by a peer group.
Never listen to friends when you are making an important life decision.

Morecoffeeurgently · 05/07/2017 20:06

What is it you would want your friends' to do if you left your marriage? Are their circumstances as such that the could do what you need/want them to do?

I'm retired so if anyone needed me to look after their DC in an emergency situation or if they had something they needed to be child-free for, I could do it. But if your friends' all have jobs then obviously they can't do that easily. Same with babysitting. If you want to go out on the evening of their regular night out with their mates etc then that's a lot to expect.

But that's not to say that if you are in a marriage that's making you miserable you should stay.

FrancisCrawford · 05/07/2017 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 05/07/2017 20:07

Yes, its difficult to be a lone parent. But again what do your friends haw to do with you ending your marriage?

Bosabosa · 05/07/2017 20:08

Got to be your decision . Unusual for real friends to be saying you should leave the father of your child unless they can see some real suffering going on . Most friends try to stay out of giving advice like that as no one knows what goes on in a marriage except the people in it. If you are happy to stay (however you have weighed that up ), then tell them that and ask them to refrain from further comments.
Hopefully you or your kids are not suffering abuse / as I could see why you are being advised to leave .
Also, I don't quite understand why all the decisions and responsibilities are yours if you did leave- would you not expect him to help with child care cover, maintenance etc?
Good luck whatever happens x

Original poster

greynwhitecat · 05/07/2017 20:11

It's not about giving them a list of chores or something, it's more recognising the fact that as I say bringing up a child in isolation is hard. Most people's answer to this is to widen your support network but I'm not sure this is the answer.

OP posts:

Crabbitstick · 05/07/2017 20:11

If your friends have their own lives, their own kids, careers, elderly parents then of course they will be limited in what they can do.
But that's no really the point is it?
If your marriage needs to be over then that's something you need to do regardless of what friends can/cannot offer.
Why do your friends think you should separate?

WillRikersExtraNipple · 05/07/2017 20:12

Well you wouldn't be in isolation would you? Your friends would still be your friends, your community etc.
I think your focus is wrong.

Saiman · 05/07/2017 20:14

A friend giving advice to leave your marriage is not automatically saying 'hey i'll co parent with you'.

I have my own kids and work full time. But if a friend was in an awful marriage i would probably advise her to ltb and help where i could l. But not be a co-parent.

CloserIAmToFine · 05/07/2017 20:25

OP you're not going to get meaningful responses to your vague cryptic posts.

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/07/2017 20:31

They are probably fully aware of all that and still advising you to leave your marriage.

Why would you be doing it in "total isolation"? Is your children's father likely to disappear like he never existed?

littlebird77 · 05/07/2017 20:32

You should end your marriage if it can not be saved. Nothing should be expected from others inc friends, if they are helpful then that is a bonus. People can only do so much, they have their own crap going on and their own battles to cope with.

You need to raise your child alone if you leave, it is your child and millions of mothers have done so perfectly well and with no support. You will be fine.
There are agencies that can support you, esp if you are victim of domestic violence.

mineofuselessinformation · 05/07/2017 20:34

it's not about being dependent on people, just that between working, paying for childcare, sorting out ill children, paying bills, ferrying children back and forth ... that's tricky when you're relying on you & only you.
^This.
The question you need to ask yourself if you're pretty much doing this anyway - many people are when their marriage is breaking down.
If the answer is yes, then you have nothing to lose.

Original poster

greynwhitecat · 05/07/2017 20:41

there is a good chance he would disappear, yes.

closer, don't answer then

OP posts:

JigglyTuff · 05/07/2017 20:46

Well it is hard. But I think it's harder to stay in a miserable relationship personally. Staying because it makes for easier logistics strikes me as a very poor reason to keep a marriage going.

Crabbitstick · 05/07/2017 21:23

How do you feel about being married to someone who would walk away from his children if his marriage ended.
That would make me question my marriage.

MadMags · 05/07/2017 21:28

I don't think friends would encourage you to leave a good marriage.

The thing is, you would cope because you'd have to.

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