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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friends will only go so far for you

40 replies

greynwhitecat · 05/07/2017 19:55

Here is the situation, that most people think I should end my marriage, perhaps they are right.

But I have come to understand the same people who urge you to leave are the ones who won't be there when you need them.

So I'm wary

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
greynwhitecat · 05/07/2017 22:06

Thanks. Will have a think. Being totally alone is a daunting prospect.

OP posts:
WillRikersExtraNipple · 05/07/2017 22:08

Why would you be in total isolation though? Does ending your marriage mean moving to an uninhabited island and never speaking to friends and family again?

Original poster
greynwhitecat · 05/07/2017 22:10

I don't have any family, and as I've explained, friendships can only go so far.

OP posts:
WillRikersExtraNipple · 05/07/2017 22:11

But they don't cease to exist, do they?

frogsgoladidadida · 05/07/2017 22:15

Depends on the friends. I have some who will do anything within their powers, and me for them. Then there were those who when I broke my ankle and discovered I was pregnant, bitched about my needing help (to open up the local toddler groups and get my son to therapy) within a week.

No one is saying that life isn't easier with friends around, all helping out BUT...
You will be surprised by what you can achieve on your own!

Good luck.

ethelfleda · 05/07/2017 22:16

I think I see where you are coming from. I think a lot of the time people don't give you good advice or are even honest about what they really think of your situation. Only really very good friends will do this and I think they're rare. A lot of people will advise you to leave but has anyone actually tried to suggest a more proactive approach to saving your marriage as opposed to ending it? Only you know if that is even appropriate in your situation obviously.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 05/07/2017 22:16

Considering that you are currently married and have a relationship with your child's/children's father, why are your friends to assume that he would automatically stop being an active parent if you were to separate?
If you're already doing it all then he's no loss.
If you don't hold your husband responsible for supporting your children and ensuring their well-being, then why hold your friends responsible?? Confused
Sorry if I've picked it up all wrong or if there are other factors involved.

Original poster
greynwhitecat · 05/07/2017 22:18

Will, you seem determined to misunderstand.

I can go weeks without seeing friends. Not because they don't care about me but they have

jobs (Mon-Fri 9-5 typical)

leaving evenings and weekends for

their own children
their husbands/partners
parents
siblings
other friends
hobbies/interests

do you see what I mean?

Potentially I could be facing a lot of time on my own and I'm not sure that's a good thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
greynwhitecat · 05/07/2017 22:19

I'm not holding them responsible.

Just saying it's easy to tell someone to leave when you're not the one in an empty house you have to pay the bills for and deal with the children.

Thanks Ethel :)

OP posts:
MadMags · 05/07/2017 22:24

Potentially I could be facing a lot of time on my own and I'm not sure that's a good thing.

But is it worse than being in a marriage that is bad for you/making you unhappy/abusive?

hulahoopsrus · 05/07/2017 22:44

Whilst you're right OP - can you put some cash aside...? Work more hours? Anything at all to make life easier when you're on your own?

KasimirPushkino · 06/07/2017 09:35

Totally agree with Ethel here, and I get what you're saying, OP. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you Flowers

Enidblyton1 · 06/07/2017 09:48

I agree OP, though it sadly shouldn't affect any decision about leaving your DP

LowGravity · 06/07/2017 09:54

Well you're not wrong. As a lone parent you will spend a lot of time alone. I've been one for 9 years, however i'm very happy in my own company so it rarely bothers me. But, I have family close by who help out a lot and whom I speak to pretty much daily. I don't know how those without family cope because as you say friends aren't often available. Yes my friends are always at the end of the phone but there's not much they can do practically to help me. The advice I always give to anyone new to single parenthood is to make friends with their kids friends parents. I share school runs with a couple of school mum friends who are neighbours, we also watch each others kids whilst we run errands etc. These friendships have probably made the biggest difference to our lives. I still have my 'old' friends but they are spread far and wide and I often go a couple of months without seeing any of them.
Regardless of the struggles involved in single parenthood, I would choose them over an unhappy relationship every time. It is possible to be single and happy.

Original poster
greynwhitecat · 06/07/2017 16:28

Single and happy, yes, alone and happy, I'm not so sure about :)

OP posts:
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