To think friends will only go so far for you

[greynwhitecat]

Here is the situation, that most people think I should end my marriage, perhaps they are right.

But I have come to understand the same people who urge you to leave are the ones who won't be there when you need them.

So I'm wary

AIBU?

[greynwhitecat]

Single and happy, yes, alone and happy, I'm not so sure about :)

[LowGravity]

Well you're not wrong. As a lone parent you will spend a lot of time alone. I've been one for 9 years, however i'm very happy in my own company so it rarely bothers me. But, I have family close by who help out a lot and whom I speak to pretty much daily. I don't know how those without family cope because as you say friends aren't often available. Yes my friends are always at the end of the phone but there's not much they can do practically to help me. The advice I always give to anyone new to single parenthood is to make friends with their kids friends parents. I share school runs with a couple of school mum friends who are neighbours, we also watch each others kids whilst we run errands etc. These friendships have probably made the biggest difference to our lives. I still have my 'old' friends but they are spread far and wide and I often go a couple of months without seeing any of them.
Regardless of the struggles involved in single parenthood, I would choose them over an unhappy relationship every time. It is possible to be single and happy.

[Enidblyton1]

I agree OP, though it sadly shouldn't affect any decision about leaving your DP

[KasimirPushkino]

Totally agree with Ethel here, and I get what you're saying, OP. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you

[hulahoopsrus]

Whilst you're right OP - can you put some cash aside...? Work more hours? Anything at all to make life easier when you're on your own?

[MadMags]

Potentially I could be facing a lot of time on my own and I'm not sure that's a good thing.

But is it worse than being in a marriage that is bad for you/making you unhappy/abusive?

[greynwhitecat]

I'm not holding them responsible.

Just saying it's easy to tell someone to leave when you're not the one in an empty house you have to pay the bills for and deal with the children.

Thanks Ethel :)

[greynwhitecat]

Will, you seem determined to misunderstand.

I can go weeks without seeing friends. Not because they don't care about me but they have

jobs (Mon-Fri 9-5 typical)

leaving evenings and weekends for

their own children
their husbands/partners
parents
siblings
other friends
hobbies/interests

do you see what I mean?

Potentially I could be facing a lot of time on my own and I'm not sure that's a good thing.

[Anotherdayanotherdollar]

Considering that you are currently married and have a relationship with your child's/children's father, why are your friends to assume that he would automatically stop being an active parent if you were to separate?
If you're already doing it all then he's no loss.
If you don't hold your husband responsible for supporting your children and ensuring their well-being, then why hold your friends responsible??
Sorry if I've picked it up all wrong or if there are other factors involved.

[ethelfleda]

I think I see where you are coming from. I think a lot of the time people don't give you good advice or are even honest about what they really think of your situation. Only really very good friends will do this and I think they're rare. A lot of people will advise you to leave but has anyone actually tried to suggest a more proactive approach to saving your marriage as opposed to ending it? Only you know if that is even appropriate in your situation obviously.

[frogsgoladidadida]

Depends on the friends. I have some who will do anything within their powers, and me for them. Then there were those who when I broke my ankle and discovered I was pregnant, bitched about my needing help (to open up the local toddler groups and get my son to therapy) within a week.

No one is saying that life isn't easier with friends around, all helping out BUT...
You will be surprised by what you can achieve on your own!

Good luck.

[WillRikersExtraNipple]

But they don't cease to exist, do they?

[greynwhitecat]

I don't have any family, and as I've explained, friendships can only go so far.

[WillRikersExtraNipple]

Why would you be in total isolation though? Does ending your marriage mean moving to an uninhabited island and never speaking to friends and family again?

[greynwhitecat]

Thanks. Will have a think. Being totally alone is a daunting prospect.

[MadMags]

I don't think friends would encourage you to leave a good marriage.

The thing is, you would cope because you'd have to.

[Crabbitstick]

How do you feel about being married to someone who would walk away from his children if his marriage ended.
That would make me question my marriage.

[JigglyTuff]

Well it is hard. But I think it's harder to stay in a miserable relationship personally. Staying because it makes for easier logistics strikes me as a very poor reason to keep a marriage going.

[greynwhitecat]

there is a good chance he would disappear, yes.

closer, don't answer then

[mineofuselessinformation]

it's not about being dependent on people, just that between working, paying for childcare, sorting out ill children, paying bills, ferrying children back and forth ... that's tricky when you're relying on you & only you.
^This.
The question you need to ask yourself if you're pretty much doing this anyway - many people are when their marriage is breaking down.
If the answer is yes, then you have nothing to lose.

[littlebird77]

You should end your marriage if it can not be saved. Nothing should be expected from others inc friends, if they are helpful then that is a bonus. People can only do so much, they have their own crap going on and their own battles to cope with.

You need to raise your child alone if you leave, it is your child and millions of mothers have done so perfectly well and with no support. You will be fine.
There are agencies that can support you, esp if you are victim of domestic violence.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

They are probably fully aware of all that and still advising you to leave your marriage.

Why would you be doing it in "total isolation"? Is your children's father likely to disappear like he never existed?

[CloserIAmToFine]

OP you're not going to get meaningful responses to your vague cryptic posts.

[Saiman]

A friend giving advice to leave your marriage is not automatically saying 'hey i'll co parent with you'.

I have my own kids and work full time. But if a friend was in an awful marriage i would probably advise her to ltb and help where i could l. But not be a co-parent.

[WillRikersExtraNipple]

Well you wouldn't be in isolation would you? Your friends would still be your friends, your community etc.
I think your focus is wrong.