To think that the way a person turns out is more nurture than nature?

[ethelfleda]

Being pregnant with our first child, I've found myself asking what sort of personality traits I would like them to have and whether or not they are a product of their genes or their upbringing. For example, I would like my son to have confidence as well as empathy... are they things that you can reach your child or is it completely down to genetic make up in your opinion? Have you or do you know anyone who has two or more children that were raised the same but are completely different?
I would imagine there is definitely an element of which genes they inherit but I have always thought the way a child is raised and their experiences shape who they are. I believe I am more like my father than my mother for instance but I believe that is because I followed him around like a puppy all the time and was MUCH closer to him than my mom.
Really interested to know people's opinions on this one!

My two boys are 3 and 6, same father, and are so different.

When I only had ds1 I would have said it was 75% nurture. Now I think it's 75% nature.

Genes play a huge part.
But we can choose what to do, and we can change things that are undesirable about ourselves.
IF we want to, and crucially if we know we have a choice. That's where nurture or good upbringing can help. Nurture can't cure all ills, but it gives someone more of a chance than they otherwise would have had.

If what OP says is true, then it leads to saying that it's probably the parents' fault when kid turns out badly. I can't go along with that.

I think it's a combination of the two. My three are adopted and are very different from each other in their personalities. But at the same time they are so much like my husband and I in their ways it's scary. So nurture definitely affects them. Additionally my youngest who has never lived with her birth family is significantly more assured than her siblings, I suspect due to the stability she had in her early life.

I don't think I agree now that I have a DD. She's happy. All the time. She sleeps. Everyone tells me it's because I'm so relaxed but I'm really not. I truly believe children have their own essential nature and, whilst experiences will shape them and their beliefs as they grow up, they are who they are.

Who do you look like OP because the one you look like is prob the parent you take after. People usually say they take after the one they like or admire most, no one wants to think they are like the selfish moody one.
And siblings have very different upbringings - usually the first gets much more attention(naturally) , the second has an easier time as DPs are experienced and less stressed, last one gets. Bit spoilt as DPs know they will have no more.

I read once, on here I think actually, that nature is the colours you're given and nurture is the picture you paint with them.

I think that's lovely

Combination of both - I think you can teach children to overcome their genetic traits to some extent - my dd (7) has her dads very quick temper (he even says it's just how he was) despite him not being around 90% of the time and neither myself nor my husband being shouty people. But we're getting there with her learning to control it.

I have two DC first one is shy, not particularly confident and a worrier. Second one is super confident doesn't worry about anything and will talk to anyone.

Who do you look like OP because the one you look like is prob the parent you take after

Since when?!?

My ds's are the image of dh...nothing of me in them at all, looks wise. Personality and ability wise however they 'take after' me much more than dh.

My DD came out exactly the way she is, hasn't changed a bit, nature all the way.

I think genes form the baseline but nurture is massively important too.

Nature. Children have very strong personality from birth/few months. Interests etc.
But also what you look like and personality affect how others treat you which affects your behaviour.
Genes create how you look too.
But even things like being youngest in year group can permanently affect your confidence.
Its worrying when you see relatives you dont want your kid to end up like eg smoking etc but you know the genes for that behaviour are just as likely to be there as yours for avoiding it.

It would be a concern when adopting 1) as pp said about prenatal care, drinking/drugs/smoking etc
2) genetic personality
3) mistreatment causing them to be removed

Maybe you can ruin a child but cant necessarily stop them deciding to ruin it for themself.
Dd has always been difficult, from a baby. But then i say out of 4 GP only one is truly easy going. Quite a lot of difficult personalities.
Dd2 frequently does the same things despite due to age gap, never having seen dd1 do them. Stuff i havent seen other kids do.
Some kids sit and colour from toddlers others are always trying to escape.

Although I think it's a mixture of both the individual personality plays a huge part. I'm not sure if it's even genes.
Dd is a sweet, positive glass half full type of person (she is however currently a hormonal teenager so obviously has her moments) but as a small child was just delighted with life and happy being her and was always extremely confident and chatty.
Ds1 is 2 and half years younger and couldn't be more different. I had always assumed shyness was a learned/nurture behaviour but he showed me I was wrong. He was shy from birth. Hated attention and would hide his face in his pram the second he had head control. He even hated the cheerleader type things you do to toddlers when they learn to walk etc. He would literally hide. He has gained a lot of confidence as he's got older but will always lean towards shyness I think. He is also the most negative, grumpy glass half empty person I have ever met. He also behaves like he feels the world should revolve around him.

They are a absolutely like chalk and cheese and always have been. Even as babies their differences were obvious and personalities show quite early even in very young babies.

Nature.

I think that people prefer the idea that it is nurture because it better suits our sense of justice. I think the idea that it might be nurture is legitimised by libraries of parenting books that only have value if we swallow the idea that nurture is a greater influence.

Nurture helps and hinders. You can ruin a good kid, and give a difficult kid strategies and support to make the best of themselves. But... my kids get more like DH with every passing day. Not sure why I bothered...

You're cute, OP. Come back when you've raised a couple of kids past the toddler stage and let us know what you think.

Just you wait OP - you will see just how different two (or more) children from the same parents, raised the same way, can be!

Of course nurture (just like one's culture - another 'introduced' factor) has an impact.

But nature's where it all begins, and it's very difficult to override that in any significant way.

I have parented my eldest child very differently to how my parents did it.
Personality wise, we might as well be clones.
That does help me spot issues very quickly, but nature seems to have more influence.
On the other hand, my younger child is very different. I think it will always be some and some!

I remember watching a documentary about psychopaths - apparently there brain scans are different but they only go on to be criminals if they have poor parenting as well.

Nature loads the gun. Nurture pulls the trigger.

I'm adopted. I had no talents or abilities common with my adopted siblings. I did have a very distinct talent for something at a very early age. I was amazing at sewing/knitting/at 5 or 6. None of my adopted family had any skills like this. I was making all my own clothes as a teen without patterns, No one showed me how to do this, l just picked it up. I ended up studying Fashion at university.

When l met my birth mother, her mother had been an amazing tailoress and my birth father had been an art student. No one in my adopted family had any of these abilities. They were highly academic.

But nature was definitely overriding nutrients in my case.

I believe it is more nature than nurture. My daughter is the only one of my five who is an introvert with little sense of humour. My others are extroverts and jokers. One child is full of confidence while another struggles with his. They all differ in many ways and have done since the day they were born. Four of my babies slept through the night from a very young age and were no trouble. My fifth never slept for more than 10 minutes as a baby and she is an insomniac at aged 8.

Me and my sister are like chalk and cheese but we were raised the same.

Nature wins.

I think the exact opposite tbh. I think it's nature all the way. I've seen too many examples. I'm utterly convinced that genes don't just affect looks and health but also personality and character.

The Dunedin Study documentary, Why Am I? is fascinating on this subject.

this is anecdotal but i have two friends that are adopted sisters they are not bilogical sisters but have the same adopted parents , same upbringing kind attentive parents the oldest is married ,has a good career two kids nice house etc ,the youngest was a teen mother,never worked three kids with three dads lives in social housing they are both living similar lives to their birth mothers[they have both met their birth mothers]