To ask DM to pay me to do her gardening....

[Cakeisbest]

...when she has a gardener who she pays £20 an hour but doesn't like him very much, and I would have to drive 30 miles each way and give up a morning or afternoon to do it? She's over 80 and finds it frustrating that she can't manage to keep the garden under control anymore but doesn't want to ask the gardener to do more so just keeps moaning about it.

ýabu, help her out, shes your mum

I think you should just help your mother out tbh

Yabvu

YANBU, I hate gardening. My mum can afford a gardener, so I think she should sort it.

Yabvu she's your mum

Yabvu. Help your Mum out and hope someone will help you if you live beyond 80

Fucking hell, she's 80, she's your mum and you want to charge her to do something she can no longer manage. YABVVVU

Unless you are still paying her back for all the years she wiped your bum, fed you, washed your clothes, cleaned up after you then YABU. Help her out, thats what families do.

Wow - you would actually take money from your own Mother to do a bit of gardening? Of course YABU.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, I'd expect my petrol to be covered at least. However, I wouldn't do it if I were you, you already seem resentful of the idea of doing so. I suggest that you help your mum either speak to her current gardener about what's causing her issue, or help her find one she prefers.

YABU
why is it such a chore to give up a morning/afternoon for your own mother?

Twenty quid an hour?! Daylight robbery.

Unless you are still paying her back for all the years she wiped your bum, fed you, washed your clothes, cleaned up after you then YABU. Help her out, thats what families do.

See, attitudes like this are not helpful. Saying 'remember your parent (who probably chose to be a parent), actually parented you? Now you have to put yourself at any inconvenience and cost for them'.

The op has mentioned it would be quite a journey before even doing any gardening (and I'm going to make an assumption the op isn't exactly young themselves (sorry)). There's a line between 'helping family, because' and being put at a possible financial or other inconvenience.

Yabvvu

• she is your mum
• she is 80

We have a problem in this country with an ageing population Edmund. I absolutely think you should look after ageing parents where you can. Other cultures and countries manage it happily. She's thirty miles away, it's not like she's at the other end of the country.

Would this be a morning or afternoon once, as a one off?

I suspect you mean a morning or afternoon every week, on a regular and long term basis?

Is your mother well off to an extent where she can very easily afford to pay the useless gardener this very high rate?

I think your time would be better spent recruiting a better gardener for her, if this is an ongoing thing.

As a one off you would be unreasonable to charge her for 3 or 4 hours of your time, but if she is trying to manipulate you into committing to drive for an hour to spend several hours gardening, while she continues to pay the gardener whose work she expects you to actually do, YANBU to say "No, I will not do this, but I will help you find a more satisfactory solution by helping you find a gardener who will do your garden properly".

I disagree with the trite old "she wiped your bum" argument . Its utter tosh. We all chose to have children and knew that doing so would involve bum wiping and other small child personal care - you take that on willingly and unconditionally, without any wish to be "paid back" when you choose to bring a child into the world. Nobody "owes" their parents in a tit for tat way.

However becoming your parent's employee puts a very odd co-dependant twist on the relationship and doesn't sound healthy.

The correct way to handle this isn't to take on the manual task she can't do and ask to be paid, it is to help her more appropriately out source the work to a non related employee with whom she can have a normal client-contractor relationship OR to willingly take on the work for free if and only if you will not resent it (for example if you love and adore gardening and are looking for an excuse to be around your mum more). In your case the first option of helping her more appropriately out source.

We have a problem in this country with an ageing population Edmund. I absolutely think you should look after ageing parents where you can.

I disagree. I believe we need more invested into social care so the burden doesn't fall upon families. We live in an era where families can be split all over the country/world, it's irresponsible to keep idealising the 'old days' where looking after older members of the family came without question (especially when it's the women that are expected to do it).

Regardless, the OP's mother is obviously in a position to hire someone to do the gardening, I think a fair compromise is to help her tell her gardener she has different expectations or help her find a new one. That's still helping out a parent without needing to do quite a long round journey with possibly quite a lot of physical work whilst there.

Would it not be easier for you to have a word with the current gardener for her?

I think maybe help your mum get another gardener she's happy with.

Where does it end though?

If my mum had her way, I would clean her house every week, do her gardening. I already do all of her shopping and finances and sort out her building work, on top of a demanding full time job and my family.

If she couldn't afford to get someone to help with these things, then I would help her more. And when she can no longer manage on her own, she will live with me.

This is so sad
YABVVU

Yeah, tackle the problem that the current gardener isn't doing what she wants him to do, rather than fudge the issue with you helping out and begruding your mum for it

How depressing.

No, you shouldn't be charging your mother to help her out.

I don't think you should charge your own mum.
But I do think she should give you something just to acknowledge the effort. Hopefully she has helped you over the years for free.