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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DM to pay me to do her gardening....

58 replies

Cakeisbest · 04/07/2017 20:47

...when she has a gardener who she pays £20 an hour but doesn't like him very much, and I would have to drive 30 miles each way and give up a morning or afternoon to do it? She's over 80 and finds it frustrating that she can't manage to keep the garden under control anymore but doesn't want to ask the gardener to do more so just keeps moaning about it.

OP posts:
AfraidOfMyShadow · 04/07/2017 21:23

And just to add, helping doesn't mean doing it yourself especially if it is long term. You can help to find her a better gardener Smile

SemiNormal · 04/07/2017 21:24

Urgh this is fucking horrible. You know if my son begrudges me a favour like this when I'm old and not capable of doing certain things I'd be heartbroken to be honest. I wouldn't dream of charging my mum for things I help her out with, even if I was skint I wouldn't.

FreudianSlurp · 04/07/2017 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SlothMama · 04/07/2017 21:29

YABVU She's your Mum!

NellieFiveBellies · 04/07/2017 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lonelymummyof1 · 04/07/2017 21:31

Did she charge you for wiping your arse ?

SemiNormal · 04/07/2017 21:33

YABU for making me think of this song - That's a particularly awful version of the song, Tammys is much better.

wonkylegs · 04/07/2017 21:36

I think people forget that their relationships with their parents are not always representative of other people's - I don't 'owe' my parents anything (shit childhood, parents that were crap at family stuff and some really shit situations etc) but have made my peace with them as an adult.
Where do you draw the line on doing stuff for free especially when it's not only for free but costs you expenses?
Nipping round the corner to help out on the odd occasion is different from a regular commitment. I don't work for family for free because by law even doing work for free for family means I need to be insured and pay licence fees and that also doesn't allow for the costs of turning down fee paying work to fit in their 'free job'.

If your mum isn't struggling to pay the gardener (not all 80yo are poor OAPs) and is just unhappy with what they are doing - you have a few options:
Your suggestion - may be awkward to be her 'employee' and working with family quite often ends up with issues (I won't work for my family - it's not worth the hassle and they can't afford me anyway - mainly because they think everything should be free even if it costs me money Hmm) Also what happens when you are busy, go on holiday or no longer have time to do it.
You could work for 'expenses only' less awkward but still has to issues with working for family, you may want to do this whilst helping her find a new gardener Or
You could offer to speak to her existing gardener
Or as other people have said you could work for 'free'

sodablackcurrant · 04/07/2017 21:40

Why don't you talk to the gardener. Pay him more if necessary. Keep it between you and gardener.

If mother finds out and objects. Tell her to feck off and get her to provide a solution. Sorry. Just because she is at an age doesn't mean she can dictate everything and organise YOUR life.

Thin end of the wedge here from mother me thinks.

LastMinuteH0l · 04/07/2017 21:42

I dont know how big the garden is

Suggestion you can employ a gardener to do a "big garden clear up" twice a year. Normally gardener will provide quote for one days work to cut hedges before spring and autumn & tidy. This includes taking away the rubbish in van to the correct point of disposal

If it regular small gardening like cutting grass and dead heading, tidy I would source a local friend, neighbour, volunteer, scouts, or pay a gardener

I visit friends and family and often get asked to do a variety of "jobs" eg gardening, painting, DIY, cooking, cleaning, driving

I have never charged for my time and have been happy to help
I do normally say when I am available

However, on occassion I have said NO, I do have limits

muckypup73 · 04/07/2017 21:43

Much likemy sister who used to charge my mother for petrol its bloody well cheek!

DrunkenMissOrderly · 04/07/2017 21:43

It depends on your relationship I suppose, what sort of favours does she charge you for?

Bluerose27 · 04/07/2017 21:45

As others have said, if it's a once off do it and don't charge. If it's a weekly thing then help your mum to find a new gardener. If giving up a morning/afternoon a week to sort out her garden on an ongoing basis doesn't suit you then it doesn't suit you.

Rinkydinkypink · 04/07/2017 21:47

She needs help to find a better cheaper gardener (horticulture students!). You can't charge her. She's your mum!

Floralnomad · 04/07/2017 21:51

My mum is 78 and has multiple health problems we , as a family, do loads for her , dh generally spends at least half a day each weekend doing her gardening or diy . When she was able she did loads for us , it's how families work , I cannot envisage ever asking her to pay for our help.

Nospringflower · 04/07/2017 21:54

Well, I think you are already doing a lot for your mum and so she needs to sort out the gardener or let you sort it out and allow you to sort out the money for it (from her cash).

All these people saying you should do it are deluded. Of course you should help your mum but that doesnt mean sacrificing every waking hour when she could pay for help.

LastMinuteH0l · 04/07/2017 21:55

It could also be a communication issue

Perhaps you could ask your Mum exactly what she wants the gardener to do and phone him.
Perhaps she wants something specific done

If the gardener comes once a month, perhaps he needs to visit more regularly ?

Secondly, if there are alot of weeds perhaps a weed mat can be placed with pea shingle ontop or bark. I trying to think of things that can make the garden low maintenance

Also, I think older people struggle knowing that they used to be capable of doing jobs themselves and as they get older they have to ask for help...they get frustrated !
Some older people (not all) moan that other people dont do the job as well as they used to when they were younger

Colacolaaddict · 04/07/2017 21:58

Help her find a new gardener

Etymology23 · 04/07/2017 22:00

This sounds like it could benefit everyone? You could charge your mum

AcrossthePond55 · 04/07/2017 22:04

Well, has she actually asked you to do it or are you just 'tired' of hearing her complain? If the latter then yes, YABU. Either speak to the gardener yourself if what she's complaining about is realistic or just keep quiet and let her complain. She may actually get some pleasure in moaning about the gardener. She's 80, let her kvetch.

If she has actually asked you to do her gardening then I think it's not as cut and dried. I understand about paying your parents back for what they've done for you but undertaking full time care of her garden is another thing, especially if she can afford to pay for a gardener.

SleightOfHand · 04/07/2017 22:12

I wouldn't have liked to have taken money off my mother for jobs but I'd have tried to help with getting reinforcements in.

Original poster
Cakeisbest · 05/07/2017 09:03

Thanks for the input everyone, it has given me food for thought. Thing is, I don't even like gardening so I was thinking if she paid me the same as she was paying the gardener that would sweeten the pill for me. But it would be a weekly, long term commitment. This might be her way of getting to see me more even though she comes to us almost every Sunday for a roast. I'll sort out seeing her to do something more pleasurable together, and also go around the garden with her noting down jobs she wants done so she or me can give the gardener exact instructions and establish how much time he needs to do the jobs. At the moment he does an hour every two weeks which is not much more than mowing the lawn. Paying his fees are not an issue. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 05/07/2017 09:55

Sounds like you need a new gardener and perhaps a couple of hours weekly in the heavier gardening months .

MissJC · 05/07/2017 10:53

I think the current Gardner IBU. My Gardner charges £15 a fortnight.

allertse · 05/07/2017 11:42

I'm quite shocked at these responses tbh. I wouldn't do the best part of a two hour round trip every week to garden for my mum. I don't even do my own gardening! I'd happily help her find a gardener she's happier with (and I'd pay for it if she couldn't, but it doesn't sound like that's relevant), but if I'm driving 30 miles every weekend I want to spend time with my mum not slave in her garden.