To ask DM to pay me to do her gardening....

[Cakeisbest]

...when she has a gardener who she pays £20 an hour but doesn't like him very much, and I would have to drive 30 miles each way and give up a morning or afternoon to do it? She's over 80 and finds it frustrating that she can't manage to keep the garden under control anymore but doesn't want to ask the gardener to do more so just keeps moaning about it.

We had this issue actually. My PIL wanted him to help with the gardening which was fine in theory. He didn't mind mowing the lawns and doing a bit of weeding, but during the summer it was taking almost a full Saturday every week to get it done due to the amount of weeding and planting and so on that his PIL wanted.

He said eventually he wasn't doing it any more because he wanted to be able to go out and do things on his days off or do things around our house that needed it.

His PIL then had to pay a gardener and scale back what they did in the garden each year. I think if you're local or it is a once in a while thing it is fine, but I don't think expecting it to be a regular thing when people have limited time off is fair.

I wouldn't ask my mum to pay me but I would help her find a new gardener.

I have a good relationship with my DM. She wouldn't dream of asking me to do her gardening, and I wouldn't have the sort of time to spare you are suggesting anyway. Get her to change gardener if she doesn't like the one she has at the moment.

YADNBU

To all the people saying "have you paid her back for wiping your arse as a kid" or "looking after you as a child", just to remind you, no-one asks to be born, that's such a cop out response.

Just because you have been born doesn't mean your indebted to serve your parents for their entire life, able to do all and everything at their beck and call, even if it inconviences you. I couldn't afford in time nor money to go 60 miles once a week to do free gardening, so I don't see why the OP should be obligated to go.

Just a basic fact
We will but for accident or severe illness get old and will probably rely on younger folks to look after us

Just a basic fact We will but for accident or severe illness get old and will probably rely on younger folks to look after us

And I personally hope those 'younger folk' are not my family. I don't want them to start stressing or even resent me in my later years, as the there is always an emotional and even possible mental/physical effect of looking after those you love. It shouldn't be a price to pay for being raised by decent (or even not so decent) parents. Whilst of course you would expect to be looked after well by social/community care, there isn't the emotional attachment there, hopefully meaning you can enjoy family time without it feeling like a 'must' for either side.

Obviously, this is not to suggest families never do anything for each other, it's just there's a big difference between helping your mum talk to the gardener (not difficult) and driving 60 miles to do physical work every week (could be very difficult for several reasons).

I think those who work in social care very often do form attachments to those they administer personal care to as they are after all human

PortiaCastis yes, of course. I think anyone working in care should have exceptional people skills. It's not the same attachment as being actual family though, the paid carer can somewhat leave their feelings at the door at the end of the day, the family member is a carer 24/7.

No you shouldn't charge your mum but help her find a new gardener instead