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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if sometimes, men just leave and there's no other woman?

82 replies

MrsOverTheRoad · 04/07/2017 00:56

I always see on here when a DH leaves his wife out of the blue, all the posters say "He has another woman...wait and see...she'll come out of the woodwork soon"

And very often, it's true.

But some men must just leave...right? A very good couple friend of mine and DH's has broken up because he's suddenly said he's not happy and is leaving. He moved out immediately and stayed in his office...within a week he had a rental flat.

We...the friends and other mates, are all shocked. His wife is in absolute bits and we're all supporting her as well as we can.

They've been married for 25 years and their business has JUST begun to be successful....they're only in their 40s and should be enjoying their time with some money etc but he's just gone and left!

He says it's because he loves her but not in "that deep love way" Hmm

I asked my DH if he thought there could be another woman and he says he's almost positive not...that the man doesn't have time for an affair....

It's so awful and has really upset everyone...her the most of course! But we all feel very sad too. Do some men just go? No OW?

OP posts:
NetworkGuy · 04/07/2017 07:45

A friend of mine (male) is now divorced and action came from his (15 years younger) wife. She was a hard working department head in a school, he has been a photographer with own business, now diversified (still repairs photos, etc, but market dropped out of wedding photos etc) and in her words he wasn't providing hr with the lifestyle she wanted. No man in her life, he feels incredibly depressed. missing 2 grown up daughters, grandchild (daughter, partner, gc have attic 'flat') + family pets, now he lives alone, unhappy...

Not always someone else, just "fallen out of love".

In the OP situation, if money is his driving force, and he sees business turning to success, is that his reason?

Maybe it will turn out there's OW after some 'grace period', but maybe not.

ThatsNotMyMarmot · 04/07/2017 07:48

I think it's much rarer for a man to leave without a suitable 'alternative option'. Women manage time alone much better than men do generally and often relish their own space compared to men that feel like it's a situation thrust upon them until the next lady enters their life.
Agree with PP that even if there's no obvious OW after the divorce, the cynic in me says there was but the relationship didn't weather the storm of the divorce (she did a bunk when it looked like he might be free full time etc.) or the considerable charms of a polyglot OW in the form of OL dating sites is the trigger to make him leave.

Put another way. If magically the man cannot ever have an OW or ever use the internet, a lot of them would stay rather than eat beans out of a tin in a damp flat just to have their own space.

Summerswallow · 04/07/2017 07:51

Of course it's possible. My husband was once depressed and couldn't think what to do, so thought of leaving. He didn't though.

In general, though, I haven't seen great swathes of men leaving their marriages without an OW at least triggering the whole thing. In fact, I can't think of any in my social circle, but I can think of quite a few mid-life crisis men run off with a younger model.

The question is- why would someone upset a home life in which they have easy contact with their children and stability of marriage. The marriage has to be pretty darn awful to bother changing the status quo, and in my experience, not many men want to do that unless there's something new and shiny to go to.

They may be stereotypes but they are there for a reason, there's bound to be a few exceptions (I don't know any).

ShatnersWig · 04/07/2017 07:58

I left my partner of 10 years. There was no other woman. Everyone was totally shocked. But we'd become different people, wanted different things, and our age gap was certainly something to do with this; also the fact that my partner was emotionally abusive. I've now been single for 7 years, haven't had a date in 5, so am still single. So yes of course some men will leave without there being an OW just as some women will leave without there being an OM.

People and relationships change.

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/07/2017 08:17

I ended my 20 year marriage with no OM.
Just a sense of there must be more to life than this.
You never know what is going on in a marriage.

Yes, but that's not unusual, and it's not what the OP is posting about.

The received narrative is that women leave to be alone (as you did), while men leave to be with another woman.

The husband of one of my good friends left her. I assumed there was an OW, but a few years have past, and one hasn't emerged. He's now desperate to get back together - so either he's realised his mistake, or there was a secret OW, and she's dumped him (wouldn't be surprised, he's the lowest of the low).

I don't really understand what OkPedro's problem is with the OP, or the thread. It's an anonymous forum - people are allowed to discuss whatever they want. The OP acknowledges that she doesn't have the first clue as to what's actually gone on in her friends' relationship. Sometimes people need to talk about things - even things that aren't any of their business - just to process them. What better place than an anonymous forum?

If you don't like the thread topic, leave or report it, if you really need to tell on the OP.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 04/07/2017 09:02

How many men EVER attempt to take the kids with them?

The courts are always biased in favour of the woman, no matter how much she works or how unfit she might be.

Firesuit · 04/07/2017 09:07

The marriage has to be pretty darn awful to bother changing the status quo, and in my experience, not many men want to do that unless there's something new and shiny to go to.

Exactly. Everyone says the "right" way to leave is to leave then find someone. Which is fine if you're a twenty-something with no money and no children. If there's a cost to leaving that's going to blight your life for 20 years, you don't leave unless the incentives make it look like you might at least break even.

When the cost of leaving is huge, people remain in misery for years. Meeting OW/OM is a good thing, if it helps them escape.

FeralBeryl · 04/07/2017 09:21

Pedro can I please ask how long it took you to reach the amicable state after your marriage broke down? (You'll see from my pp why I ask - I'm not just bring a nosy twat Wink)

TrollMummy · 04/07/2017 09:23

Isn't it common at this age/ stage - mid life crisis and empty nest?

babybarrister · 04/07/2017 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheStoic · 04/07/2017 09:25

Generally speaking - if the wife thinks the marriage was fine, there's another woman.

If the wife agrees the marriage was on the rocks, there's not necessarily another woman.

steppemum · 04/07/2017 09:31

My brother left his first wife.
he had a very brief affair, finished it, told his wife and then left the marriage.
The affair was a symptom of his unhappiness I think. there was no OW and he was single for a while afterwards. He eventually met my SIL.

We knew there were issues in the marriage and so were not really surprised.

I do think many men leave to OW, but there is no reason why they shouldn't just leave because they are unhappy.

Blobby10 · 04/07/2017 10:04

My ex and I split up and there wasn't anyone else for either of us - we just didn't love each other any more - at least, not enough to be married. Neither of us could pinpoint why, or why we didn't want to fight for the relationship it was just one of those things.

So no, there isn't always someone else involved

PickingOakum · 04/07/2017 10:29

I know a man in his early 40s who is counting down the days until his youngest is 18. He will then leave his marriage.

There is no other woman, and he doesn't want one. His perspective is that "you just go through all the shit again with someone else." There's been significant problems for a while, but the crunch came when his best mate died from liver failure through alcoholism in his mid 30s, and it forced this man to take a harsh look at his life.

What's interesting is that he's a very smart bloke, but pretty useless when it comes to understanding other people. As such, he's never actually properly communicated with his wife about their lives, which may have prevented the situation deteriorating to the extent it has.

What's also interesting is that I suspect, in the end, it will actually be his wife that officially instigates the divorce, but she won't realise it's what he's been looking forward to.

A very sad situation all round.

Orlantina · 04/07/2017 10:33

Marriages break down.
Relationships break down.
There could easily be some kind of emotional abuse, domestic violence etc going on.

No need for another woman. Or man.

People leave relationships all the time. Women do and men do. Even when they have children.

LaurieFairyCake · 04/07/2017 10:40

Very rarely. Usually another woman/man, followed by mental health issues like depression/crisis (including mid life).

I do couples counselling. I would guess 80 plus per cent of the time it's for someone if you're a man. Much less so if it's a woman leaving.

TheTurnOfTheScrew · 04/07/2017 10:44

obviously massively anecdotal, but among my friends/acquaintances, the relationship breakdowns that didn't involve a third party were all instigated by the female partner.

KaosReigns · 04/07/2017 10:47

Shockingly enough, men are human beings with thoughts and feelings capable of making big life decisions without it being about jumping in to another vagina.

Women on here are told to LTB every day and it's not because of some piece on the side, why would it be any different for men. The question is pretty sexist and offensive.

worridmum · 04/07/2017 11:15

Could you imagine the response on here that women only leave relationships because of a OM people can and do change why should anyone stay in a unhappy relationship we campaign for more women to leave ones but on the other hand tarnish all men saying they are cheating etc

Ethylred · 04/07/2017 11:22

It can happen. DB left his wife after 25 years because he couldn't stand the rage and emotional abuse any longer. The kids were in uni at that point.

PinkHeart5911 · 04/07/2017 11:31

Of course some men just leave, it doesn't always involve another women just in the same way many women leave not becuase of another man.

Sometimes people are just unhappy
Sometimes they just fall out of love, people do change over time and sometimes the person you married isn't who you are looking at 15 years later.

Dh friend split from his wife 2 years ago and he is still single, he just didn't want to be with his wife anymore and is happier alone.

My aunt left her dh at the start of this year not for another man, but becuase she wasn't happy and has since been enjoying her life alone.

Generally speaking - if the wife thinks the marriage was fine, there's another woman what? Becuase people never kid themselves. Some people just don't want to see the problems or unhappiness that might be in the relationship

Vereesa · 04/07/2017 11:53

I do couples counselling. I would guess 80 plus per cent of the time it's for someone if you're a man. Much less so if it's a woman leaving.

Thing is, when one party gradually falls out of love said couple isn't likely to go to couples counselling. Affairs/cheating is violent in what it does to a marriage and the emotional state of the other person. It's like an explosion and thus something that can very easily be identified.

In cases where one party leaves "suddenly", I personally believe that more often than nought it's just a case of the other party misreading or overlooking the signs. As I mentioned in my PP, sometimes it can be something as small as listening to them talk and realising there's no point in a debate because your views have become so vastly different through time.

In break-ups, people look for the guilt, the suspicious behaviour, the abuse, the lies. They often don't look for the indifference.

TieGrr · 04/07/2017 12:07

The received narrative is that women leave to be alone (as you did), while men leave to be with another woman.

Based purely on people I know, that is generally the case. I also know a few men who were having an affair and were gearing up to leave their wives, but the affair then ended and they stayed put. Which is mind-boggling to me. If you're unhappy enough in your relationship to cheat, then why stay just because the OW has ended it.

TheStoic · 04/07/2017 12:31

I do couples counselling. I would guess 80 plus per cent of the time it's for someone if you're a man. Much less so if it's a woman leaving.

My experience too.

Groupie123 · 04/07/2017 16:05

I disagree that 'most' women leave to stay alone. That might have been true in the days when women past 40 were considered past it, but not any more. Most of the female leavers I know left for OW/OM.