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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if sometimes, men just leave and there's no other woman?

82 replies

MrsOverTheRoad · 04/07/2017 00:56

I always see on here when a DH leaves his wife out of the blue, all the posters say "He has another woman...wait and see...she'll come out of the woodwork soon"

And very often, it's true.

But some men must just leave...right? A very good couple friend of mine and DH's has broken up because he's suddenly said he's not happy and is leaving. He moved out immediately and stayed in his office...within a week he had a rental flat.

We...the friends and other mates, are all shocked. His wife is in absolute bits and we're all supporting her as well as we can.

They've been married for 25 years and their business has JUST begun to be successful....they're only in their 40s and should be enjoying their time with some money etc but he's just gone and left!

He says it's because he loves her but not in "that deep love way" Hmm

I asked my DH if he thought there could be another woman and he says he's almost positive not...that the man doesn't have time for an affair....

It's so awful and has really upset everyone...her the most of course! But we all feel very sad too. Do some men just go? No OW?

OP posts:
OkPedro · 04/07/2017 02:29

You are judging mrs
leave your "friends" alone and let them sort out their relationship without you interfering. You sound very over invested.

Original poster
MrsOverTheRoad · 04/07/2017 02:43

Pedro do be quiet. If you don't like it, then bugger off to another thread.

Simple.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 04/07/2017 02:46

Mrs I was happy to answer your OP but tbh you are sounding like an ass now. Pedro has as much right to post on this thread as you do, and she makes a fair point that (unless the "friend" is you) you dont know what goes on behind closed doors.

Just because you dont like what she is saying doesnt make it any less valid.

OkPedro · 04/07/2017 02:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Vereesa · 04/07/2017 03:00

Someone leaving isn't always attributed to one huge event/fallout. Rather, it can be due to the culmination of years and years of the little things. Maybe it's the intolerance towards some habits, maybe it's the arguments you can't be bothered to fight, maybe it's growing up and watching the other person grow in a different direction. Many possibilities, really.

Especially for people who aren't very outwardly vocal about their thoughts and feelings, I don't think it's unusual to wake up one day deciding that the little things finally do add up and that it's time to go.

Jenna43 · 04/07/2017 03:29

Of the people I know where the husband has suddenly left, the wives who were shocked and thought things were OK... There were OW. The ones who had been struggling with the relationship for a while and were unhappy, no OW.

daisychain01 · 04/07/2017 03:41

If someone just 'ups and leaves' a relationship and the other party is stunned and couldn't see it coming, i think you'd have to worry a bit about their levels of perception about the state of the relationship.

That, or they are the type to bury their head in the sand and try to ignore the fact things aren't right.

Original poster
MrsOverTheRoad · 04/07/2017 03:54

Kipper I made the very same point about three of my posts in! She chose to ignore that and persomally attack me.

we have no way of really knowing what's going on...but when it's your friends, it's unsettling isn't it? my words.

OP posts:
OkPedro · 04/07/2017 04:03

Ah here "personally attack me"
Get a grip mrs
You chose to ignore 3 posts I made before the one that riled you Hmm

Original poster
MrsOverTheRoad · 04/07/2017 04:13

Pedro I actually missed your first post entirely.

OP posts:
user1471545174 · 04/07/2017 05:09

I knew of a case where there was no apparent OW but it later emerged that there had in fact been a short-term secret OW (colleague) followed by period of being alone, followed by new relationship. So the ex-H didn't look like a baddie.

SuperBeagle · 04/07/2017 05:52

I know several relationships where the man left and didn't have an OW (and a couple who did), and similarly, I know several women who have left without having an OW, and some who did.

On the whole, I know more people who've left relationships who didn't have someone waiting in the wings than who did. And if there was someone in the background, they sure waited a long time before making it public.

AceholeRimmer · 04/07/2017 05:53

Maybe no OW now but is intending to find one/meet one now he is single? But it does happen where there is absolutely no-one.. our friends split a few months back as the man wasn't happy. There is definitely no-one else but I think he's open to it.. he left a huge house, holidays, his cats, luxuries (she was the big earner) a group of friends. He just wanted to live a simpler life on his own as I think a lot of people do. It is a shock OP but so common now. I've stopped looking at it as a waste of all those years together and instead just closing the chapter.. It's not a waste if it was mostly happy.

Blu123 · 04/07/2017 06:10

Depression can make someone up and leave a marriage. It can make you so numb emotionally that you really do believe you would be better off on your own, and that your partner would probably be happier without you.

Maybe the stress of running a business and the general pressures of family life just got too much. Not that that's an excuse, but I've known that to happen to couples myself.

newbian · 04/07/2017 06:16

Sometimes presence of OW is a symptom and not a cause. The husbands were unhappy but the only thing that made them actually leave was an OW asking them to be with them properly.

I think it's also a social issue whereby women still tend to be stuck with the bulk of domestic work, so men who aren't keen to do that themselves only consider leaving if there's OW to make a new home with.

IDismyname · 04/07/2017 06:20

Vereesa has accurately assessed my marriage situation!

Pickerel · 04/07/2017 06:24

OP I'm wondering the same thing. A couple we know split up a few months ago, his choice. No sign of an OW yet but I can't help feeling that one will emerge.

Wildthoughts · 04/07/2017 06:46

My exh left with no ow but it wasn't sudden and we had been struggling for years, just hanging on in there. He was also diagnosed with depression not long before he left. So occasionally yes they leave with no one to go to. Five years on, still no one.

Groupie123 · 04/07/2017 06:53

It does happen. But tbh I don't think it happens often. I might be a skeptic but I think there's almost always a OW/OM - but the relationship might not have lasted through the divorce proceedings!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/07/2017 06:53

It is really sad & hard when friends split up, dynamics change & you miss the way it all was. Inevitably one of them meets someone else & then you tend to see more of one of them than the other & mostly you lose the friendship with the other one.

It's rare a man leaves without there being someone in the wings. Even if it's not obvious for a while or sometimes even known about. I know a few relationships where the wife still thinks there wasn't anyone else, but there was, however the OW's didn't want the relationship full time & they ended up splitting up before anyone knew the OW's even existed. Another one carried on seeing his OW for over 2 years (practically living together) until his divorce was final. One lives with his 'best mate' & his ex wife & friends all naively don't see how in love they are.

Sadly, for your friend & your friendship, it doesn't change the fact he wanted out. It's really crap when someone does it out of the blue & hasn't been open and honest with their partner long before then so they can both work on it & so that the other person isn't blindsided.

I hope she finds her feet quickly & that, in time, she decides that although she thought she wasn't unhappy, she's actually happier 💐

Crispsheets · 04/07/2017 06:58

I ended my 20 year marriage with no OM.
Just a sense of there must be more to life than this.
You never know what is going on in a marriage.

Craicvac · 04/07/2017 07:08

A family member ended his marriage...nearly pulled out the day before the wedding, tried for several years before sharing how he felt, went to marriage counselling but wife was determined to stick her head in the sand and was telling us that everything was fine in the same convo as telling us how unhappy he was. Eventually he got up the confidence to end it, and has really struggled with how everyone assumed there was an OW and the feeling of waiting for one to appear. It seems that if it's a sudden walk out there's a far higher likelihood of an OW, but I think it's unfair to tar all men with the same brush.

luckylucky24 · 04/07/2017 07:29

I think it is very cynical to assume that every time a marriage breaks down it is because of an affair.
People change over time. Relationships change.

LittleBooInABox · 04/07/2017 07:38

I think sometimes the person being left can't bare that it could just be their not in love anymore. So they need to invent or cast a other women to have sneered her man with some kind of witchcraft. It's sad really.

Relationships break down. It happens all of the time, people change, what they want changes. Marriages aren't except from that.

Their isn't always another women. But it's easier to blame someone else than look in the mirror at both parties and see you both did things to cause the end. Very rarely does someone leave a happy marriage.

I had the same situation. There was another women, I didn't blame her. We weren't compatible, I blame him and me. She had no loyalty to me.

DeadGood · 04/07/2017 07:41

To be clear OP, would it make you feel better if this man had been cheating?!